Watching A Very Potter Sequel
by Muggleborn Demigod
Summary: Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Malfoy, Snape and Dumbledore were transported to a mysterious room by a very cliché flash of light. There, they watched 'A Very Potter Musical'. But now that's over and they're joined by Remus, Sirius, Fred and George to watch A Very Potter Sequel! Sequel to 'Watching A Very Potter Musical'
1. Prologue

**Hellooo, my little ninjas! Auntie Rachel is here with... -drum roll- WATCHING A VERY POTTER SEQUEL! Woo! Who's excited? I'm excited, that's for sure.**

**For all the newbies out there, I suggest reading Watching A Very Potter Musical first. You don't have to of course, but this story might make a bit more sense if you did.**

********IMPORTANT** This story takes place in 6th year and Ron, Harry, and Ginny didn't go to the Burrow for Christmas break.**

**Disclaimer: For all the newbies out there: you should know that 1) I refer to all of my readers as 'the ninjas' or 'my little ninjas' and 2) I call them that because they are the ninjas that will help attack the Starkids/JKR so we can get the rights. We have not done so yet, so no, I do not own.**

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The figures that had just been plopped most ungracefully onto the floor in front of them shifted and groaned. Slowly, each of them stood up and looked around, not really taking note of the group. There were four of them: one was covered in scars and had graying hair, another was tall, with dark hair and eyes, and the last two seemed to be twins. The tallest of the newbies was first to speak.

"Where…where are we?"

Of course, Tall Newbie had noticed the others that had appeared with him, but the others in the new group hadn't noticed their companions. Harry reacted first, and tugged his wand out of his pocket, forgetting that it wouldn't work. Oldest-Looking Newbie had started at the sound of Tall Newbie's voice and had his wand out and pointed at him in a flash. The twins pulled their wands out much more slowly, each of them pointing one at Tall and Oldest-Looking.

"Professor?" Twin One looked a bit more relaxed; he obviously recognized Oldest-Looking. "Okay, hold on, I need to think of a—got it! What's your girlfriend's name?"

"Nymphadora is not my girlfriend," Oldest-Looking practically growled.

"Ah, but you knew we meant Tonks, didn't you? Glad it's really you, sir." Twin Two grinned, and Ginny had to swallow a sob.

"Excuse me for interrupting, gentlemen," Dumbledore said swiftly, stepping between the four newcomers. "But I do believe I can be of some assistance."

"Dumbledore!" four voices said, each varying in tone.

"Did you bring us here?" Twin One asked.

"No," Dumbledore chuckled. "That was our beloved host."

"Who?"

"A girl sent us here to watch some bloody musicals about Harry," Ron said, stepping forward.

"Ronnie-poo!" Twin Two grinned even wider than before and Ron smiled a bit.

"Hey, Fred."

"Oi!"

"And George."

"Much better." Twin One said. "But I'm Fred and he's George."

Harry snorted. "Nice try. But you're George. He's Fred."

"Thanks for ruining the fun, Harry. How can you tell us apart?" Fred asked

"That's confidential."

"Your big word has much meaning, young Harry-kins." George said solemnly.

"We just might corrupt you yet!" Fred finished for his twin.

"Ahem," Ginny coughed in such a good impression of Umbridge that Harry actually jumped and turned to look for her. "She isn't here, Harry. Now can we please make sure the others are who I think they are?"

"Right of course, little sister."

"We'll be good and shut our face-holes now."

"I'd appreciate it," Ginny said, smiling slightly.

"Now, if you'd please, sir, tell me your name?" Dumbledore asked Tall Newbie carefully.

"Dumbledore," Oldest-Looking said. "I don't think-"

The twins gasped. "Remus Lupin! How dare you not think! That is such a horrendous crime, I might have to-"

"Shut your mouths and let the real adults finish?" Snape appeared from nowhere, but had obviously been listening to the conversation the entire time.

"Of course they will," Hermione intervened before the twins could protest. "Right, boys?" she turned to the twins and stared at them, telling them with her eyes that if they disagreed they'd be in trouble. The two boys nodded. "Good. You may continue now, Professor Dumbledore."

The elder man's eyes twinkled. "Thank you, Miss Granger." He turned to Remus. "Remus, please allow me to explain once I finish with my questions. Everything will make a bit more sense, I'm sure." Remus nodded and Dumbledore looked at Tall Newbie again. "Your name?"

"Sirius Black," said the confused looking man. He looked even more confused when everyone around him gasped (minus Snape and Malfoy).

"Your Animagus form, please, Mr. Black?"

"A—a grim-like dog."

"Albus, what's going on? Why does everyone look so sad?"

"Alas, I'm afraid that has a long tale attached to it. I shall give you the shorter version for now. Sirius…you are dead."

If anything, that made the poor man even more confused. "Dead? I can't be dead. I have to look after Harry…"

"Sirius," Harry choked on his words slightly. Said man turned to look at his godson and was shocked to find tears in his eyes.

"Harry…?"

But Harry couldn't say anything. He had launched himself at his godfather, crying into his chest. Sirius held onto him tightly and started to cry as he realized, that yes, he was indeed dead. After a few minutes of this, and everyone else leaving the room to leave the two alone, Harry looked up.

"I'm sorry, kiddo." Sirius whispered.

Harry froze and glared at his godfather. "It wasn't your fault! It was mine. I let you fall. I should have done something-"

"Shh," Sirius soothed. "If I died fighting, fighting for you, then you shouldn't feel guilty. I don't know what happened and I don't want to." Sirius held up his hand when Harry moved to protest. "No, Harry, don't tell me. Everything will work out in the end, I'm sure of it. Now can you _please_ tell me why I'm here?"

~OoOoOoOoO~

One hour later, the groups had merged and an explanation (including the list of dead people, which caused many more tears) had been given. The three doors that no one could open now had the labels 'SIRIUS', 'REMUS', and 'FRED AND GEORGE.' The Gryffindor rooms had all been expanded; a new bed had popped up in Harry and Ron's room and in Hermione and Ginny's as well. It had come with a note on it that read:

_For the next guests that arrive. Don't worry; it's not going to happen until this musical is over._

So they just let them be.

By the time all of this excitement was over, it was late afternoon. Dumbledore suggested that they only watch the first act of the musical and finish it the next morning. Everyone agreed and was soon seated.

Dumbledore had taken the chair again, he had asked the room whether or not it could have more pillows (even though it was already covered in them) and the room complied. Dumbledore had sat down in the completely overstuffed and colorful chair looking satisfied. Snape and Malfoy had taken the smaller couch, while the Gryffindors took the larger one again. When Fred questioned if they were supposed to sit on the floor, a new chair (like Dumbledore's but far less stuffed) appeared with several bean bag chairs. Fred, George, and Sirius dove for the bean bags and Remus calmly walked over and took the chair. Five minutes and three slaps later, a smirking Snape was sitting down once more and the twins and Sirius were settled on the floor.

The screen, which had stayed blank, was now lighting up again, but instead of a logo showing up on the screen, another one of those really annoying notes did.

_Okay, guys, this is only the second musical out of three. It takes place in Harry's first year and is really, really funny. Remus and Sirius have been brought in for reasons that shall be explained as the musical progresses and Fred and George were brought in because…well, they're the Weasley Twins; you can't just not have them. (Plus everyone voted for them to be here.)_

_I hope you enjoy A Very Potter Sequel!_

"Well this should be interesting," Sirius commented as Fred and George grinned at each other.

"For you maybe," Harry grumbled.

"Can we start now?" Ron asked impatiently.

"I'm sure it'll be up in a second, Ron," Ginny rolled her eyes.

Just as Ginny completed her sentence, the disclaimer showed up and was quickly followed by a man dressed in a hood…

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**Thanks for voting to bring in Fred and George! They won with a total of 10 votes, Neville was second with 5 votes, Luna third with 4 votes, and Lucius Malfoy was fourth with 3 votes. Everyone else had 0 votes.**

**I hoped you all enjoyed the first chapter. Now, a very important question:**

**Should I post a chapter tomorrow with them watching the first scene and then resume my usual Saturday updating schedule? Or should I wait a few days? You decide!**

**Please Review!**


	2. Act 1 Scene 1

**11 REVIEWS ALREADY?! Plus 9 favorites and 19 followers?! Holy Percabeth, I love you people. Regulusly, (cause Sirius is the fun one and Regulus is the serious one. haha I feel clever) you ninjas are awesome.**

**Thank you sososososososo much for all the reviews/favorites/alerts!**

**This will be one of my fave chapters to write because 'It's Not Over Yet' is one of my favorite songs. Plus I have a thing for mentioning things that are cliché and having the characters comment on their cliché-ness. And fangirling is mentioned. Love that shiz.**

**Disclaimer: Ninjas! We must decide an attack date. We will get those rights! (But for now, I don't own.)**

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Act 1 Scene 1

**Lucius: You're late.**

**Yaxley: Late? What's it matter?**

"Who the hell are these guys?" Ron asked.

"Do you really expect me to know?" Hermione raised an eyebrow.

"Well, you're Hermione Granger. You know everything." Harry pointed out.

Hermione huffed, "I do not!"

**Look at this morning's Prophet, "The Boy-Who-Lived does it Again", "The Dark Lord Dead for Good." I knew it! We backed the wrong side,** **again!**

"Ha, sucks for them."

**Lucius: Calm yourself Yaxley.**

"Oh, so that's who it is." Ron said.

"You know who he is?" Hermione questioned.

"Yeah."

She studied his face for a moment. "You don't know who he is, do you."

"No clue."

**Yaxley: All us Death Eaters are going to Azkaban now. NOOO! No, no, no!**

**Lucius: Do you have what I sent you for or not?**

"Uh…why is he doing that weird skipping thing?"

**Yaxley: Yeah I got it. -pulls out pouch- I had to break into the Ministry for it but I got it.**

**Lucius: Excellent.**

**Yaxley: And you should see the Ministry. The Dark Lord not dead more than a day and they've already got the wizard cops out after us.**

"The wizard cops?"

"I get it," Hermione smiled at everyone's confused look. "In the Wizarding World, we have Aurors to catch the bad guys, but in the muggle world we have policemen, which are also known as the cops. I guess the writers thought it'd be funnier to call them the wizard cops."

"It is pretty funny," Harry chuckled. "Next time I see Mad-Eye or Tonks I should call them a wizard cop."

Hermione giggled. "I'd love to see their reactions."

**Lucius: Damn those wizard cops!**

"Some of them are stupid," Malfoy mused. "Well, most of them actually. They couldn't catch a Dark Wizard if their life depended on it. Which it does."

**Well, none of that matters anymore for as long as we have this.**

**Yaxley: Who do you think you are? We don't stand a chance against the wizard cops.**

"Well….they kind of do. I've seen some of them in action. They aren't very bright, like Malfoy said," Harry nodded towards the young Slytherin. "I'm sure they could at least put up a decent fight. The Death Eaters I mean."

**Not even you Lucius Malfoy.**

Malfoy gaped and everyone else (minus Snape, who scowled and Dumbledore, who twinkled) started to laugh. Really, really hard.

**Lucius: (singing) Don't ever tell me what I can't do.**

Malfoy buried his head in his hands and everyone else laughed even harder. A great feat, as they had been practically in tears just a moment before.

**I'd watch my tongue if I were you for all we know, You-Know-Who could be watching us.**

**Yaxley: (spoken) He can't be; he's dead!**

"Not really. He came back to Quirrell at the end of the last musical, remember?" Ginny reminded the screen.

"Gin-Gin, you're talking to an inanimate object-" Fred started.

"-and that's a sign of insanity, you know." George finished.

**Lucius: (singing) That never stopped our plans before. You've no idea what I have in store. You really think that you'd be at my door if we had nothing to discuss? He may be gone, but that is just as well.** **Come inside, don't you fret for it's not over yet.**

"Great. That's just perfect."

**Death Eaters: (singing) Evil Plans, we are making evil plans. Evil deeds with evil hands, we are making evil plans.**

**Death Eater 1: (speaking) Lucius Malfoy, why have you called us here? Why?**

"I don't recognize his voice…" Hermione's brow furrowed.

"Maybe it's a new actor?" Dumbledore suggested.

"Most likely."

**Death Eater 2: What do we do, Lucius?**

"I do believe that one sounds quite a bit like the actor that portrayed myself." Dumbledore said, his eyes twinkling in happiness at the sound of the children's laughter. He was glas they were still so cheerful, even though they had just found out that several of their loved ones were about to die.

**Death Eater 3: There is nothing to do, the Dark Lord is dead. Harry Potter wins, end of story.**

"That one sounds like Snape," Harry said.

**Lucius: Yes, I know, I know. He marries Ginny, they live happily ever after.**

Sirius laughed and Remus chuckled as Harry and Ginny blushed.

"Didn't we tell you two?" Sirius said to the twins. "He will marry your sister whether you like it or not. Potter family traditions and curses and lots of other cliché things you find in fairytales say that Potter men are doomed to have messy hair, bad eyesight, and marry red-heads. You know, I think lots of people would use that in stories. It's probably a super-cliché now." Sirius said thoughtfully.

"Never said that we didn't like it-" George shrugged and ignored Sirius's comment on clichés.

"-just figured it should have happened sooner." Fred said.

"She's dating Dean Thomas at the moment-"

"-and we've heard from Ron that Harry's been acting a bit weird-"

"-especially when around our little sister."

"We figure Ron's too oblivious-"

"-to everything that has to do with the female species-"

"-'cause he never noticed he likes our resident Know-it-All-"

"-and that she likes him back-"

"-but that's really not the point of what we're saying."

"What we mean is," George started slowly, as if trying to think of a way to phrase whatever he was about to say. "We think that Harry likes Ginny-"

"-who happens to still like him, as well-"

"-but is trying to push those feelings away because Ron's his best friend."

"You should probably talk to him." they said together.

Sirius thought about it for a moment before nodding. "Maybe when the first act is over."

The twins cracked identical grins. "Great."

Meanwhile, Ron was fretting about foreshadowing. "They won't get married right? Please tell me they won't actually get married!"

"Ron, I thought you supported them?" Hermione looked amused.

"I was joking when I said they could be married! I do not want Ginny to marry at all!"

"Ronald Bilius Weasley, I can marry whoever I want and you can't do a thing about it!" Ginny said heatedly.

"Guys," Harry said weakly. They didn't pay attention to him. "Guys." He said a bit louder this time. He was ignored. "GUYS!"

"Merlin, Harry, you don't have to shout." Ron said, rubbing his ear.

"I had to get your attention somehow," Harry grumbled. "But can we please continue with the musical? I know the room pauses it for us when we say something, but I really don't want to be here forever. So can we please just keep watching and argue later?"

"Fine."

"Whatever."

"Sure."

**There is literally no way to move forward from this point.**

"Duh."

**Yaxley: Then why are we all here?**

**Lucius: I was just getting to that. Harry Potter…we're in this sorry state because of him and to think of all the chances we had to destroy him. Why if we had destroyed him at his first year at Hogwarts, we'd be ruling the world right now!**

"Oh geez, that makes me even gladder we got to the Stone in time."

**Death Eater 1: Yes Lucius, no one is arguing that.**

**Death Eater 2: What does it matter? We can't change the past.**

Hermione gasped as she got what was going to happen. Dumbledore had a knowing look and Remus looked like he knew what was about to occur too.

**Lucius: Oh? (singing) I know it seems impossible. We've been thrown off our track but if we can't move forward, why shouldn't we move back? -pulls out a Time Turner-**

"Knew it," Hermione grinned.

"It looks pretty similar to me," Harry said as he studied the time turner on the screen.

**Friends and companions of evil and sin, think not of loss, but a new way to win! For what is a present without a beginning to start it all?**

**Yaxley: Go on.**

**Lucius: There is a boy that everyone knows, the plan is simple. I propose that that we choke the weed before it grows up and ends it all. Do you follow me?**

**Death Eater 1: No.**

The Gryffindors and former Gryffindors laughed and Remus rolled his eyes.

**Lucius: The Dark Lord would have survived had they never met…**

**Death Eater 2: Wait, wait, wait, wait, so you're saying he wouldn't be destroyed?**

**Lucius: He'd be alive, what don't you get?**

**Death Eater 3: Still not understanding…**

**Lucius: With Potter gone, the future will be set!**

**Death Eaters: Oh!**

**Lucius: So it's not over yet.**

**Death Eaters: Evil plans, what a brilliant evil plan! Malfoy, you're an evil man. We love making evil plans.**

**Lucius: (speaking) So it is decided, we shall use this Time Turner to back in time to Harry Potter's first year at Hogwarts. We'll destroy him before he ever gets the chance to destroy us. My friends, I think we're going back.**

"To Hogwarts!" Harry shouted and everyone who had seen the previous musical laughed while the twins, Sirius, and Remus looked a little lost.

**Who's with me?**

**Death Eaters: YEAH!**

**Everyone: Our history is nothing more than what the losers settle for.**

**Lucius: So look alive and don't forget…that it's not over,**

**Everyone: It's not over…It's. Not. O. Ver. Yet! –they time travel-**

"Wow that was pretty interesting."

"I wouldn't mind doing what the actors did to Lucius either," Ginny grinned.

"Gross, Ginny! Why would you want to touch that guy? Especially after what he's done to you." Ron looked disgusted.

"Not the real Malfoy, you idiot! I meant the actor!"

"Oh."

"I agree," Hermione said. "He was pretty cute."

"I think he was the same guy that played Cedric last musical."

"I was thinking the same thing."

The two girls laughed and the boys looked disgusted while the Starkid logo popped onto the screen, followed by the title _A Very Potter Sequel_ with 'Get Back to Hogwarts' playing in the background.

"Hey guys," Sirius said suddenly. "There's more."

**Train Conductor Person: Platform 9, Platform 10, nothing in between.**

"OH MY MERLIN IT'S QUIRRELL!" Ginny squealed loudly. Hermione started to whisper to the other girl furiously about who they thought he would be playing in this musical and wondered if he would be as amazing.

**Harry: Can someone tell me bow to get to Platform Nine and Three Quarters?**

"Hey, it's me!" Harry exclaimed.

"Shh!" the girls shushed him as they continued to discuss Brian Rosenthal. A note had popped up in the middle of their discussion that had a list of all the actors' and actresses' names on it, as well as the person they played. It said that they'd be able to see what other characters the actors and actresses played as the musical progressed. The girls had skimmed through the paper before finding Quirrell and sighed in delight when they saw what it read: _Quirrell – Brian Rosenthal, nicknamed Brosenthal because there are two Brians._

Ah, the joy of being a fangirl.

**Please Review!**


	3. Act 1 Scene 2

**Long chapter. 15 pages on Microsoft Word. I feel accomplished :) And I got an honorable mention at the science fair, so that just adds onto it.**

**I really wanted to avoid the whole 'YOU WERE ABUSED?!' thing between Harry and the others, but there was really no way out of it. I tried not to have Harry say outright that he was abused though, as it's not totally canon. I hope that scene was okay, I feel like it wasn't my best work.**

**31 reviews, 74 followers, and 46 favorites. Wow. I thanketh thee for it all. Love ya, ninjas!**

**Disclaimer: Well, I don't own, but I have very evil plans to own it in the future.**

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Act 1 Scene 2

**Harry: Excuse me sir, can you tell me how to get to Platform 9 ¾?**

"You didn't know?" Malfoy asked curiously.

Harry shrugged. "Hagrid never told me."

"Then how'd you get to the platform?" Hermione asked.

"A friend." Harry and Ron grinned at each other.

**Train Conductor Person: Platform 9 ¾, there ain't no such thing. You're the 700th kid to ask me that.**

"Do 700 kids really attend Hogwarts?"

Hermione's brow furrowed. "No, I think the average is usually 300."

**I still refuse to believe that it exists.**

**Harry: Sir you've gotta help me. I just ran away from home from my mean aunt and uncle. They keep me under some stairs.**

"WHAT?!"

Harry cringed as the girls and Sirius yelled. Sometimes, he really hated this musical.

"They kept you under some stairs?" Sirius growled.

"Maybe?" Harry squeaked.

"Mate, why didn't you tell us?" Ron looked concerned.

"Look, can we talk about this some other time?" Malfoy interrupted. He shrank back at all the glares he received. Thankfully, Snape saved him before anyone could comment.

"Draco is right. Potter obviously doesn't want to talk about it," he said smoothly. "I suggest you save this discussion until we break again."

"I agree with Severus," Dumbledore said, all traces of the twinkle gone. "This discussion is for another time."

Sirius agreed reluctantly.

**Listen, you gotta believe me. I got this letter from Hogwarts School of Witchcra…sir! Listen, please, a bird gave it to me!** **Pfft, ****yeah right, Hogwarts.**

"Aw, don't give up so fast Harry-kins."

**Molly: Oh, hurry kids! We're gonna miss the train. Come on, Weasleys.**

"Is that supposed to be Mum?"

"I guess."

**Bill!**

**Bill: Yo, yo Ma.**

Ginny was the first to laugh, soon followed by everyone else at how ridiculous Bill looked.

**Molly: Charlie!**

**Charlie: Sup mummy.**

Ginny, Ron, Fred, and George laughed harder.

**Molly: Percy.**

**Percy: Hello, Mother.**

They quickly sobered up and stared at the screen stone-faced.

**Molly: Fred and George.**

**Fred: But I'm George!**

"Hey Forge! It's us!"

"You're right, Gred, it is!"

**Molly: Nice try, you've got an F on your shirt dumbass.**

The Weasleys burst out laughing again.

"I'd _kill_ to see Mum say that!" Fred wheezed.

**Arthur: Oh boy, real Muggles! Everybody say Chocolate Frog! -shuts camera- I think I got it. It's so silly.**

Harry laughed and Hermione giggled, "I should really teach your dad about Muggle things and how they work."

**Molly: Oh Arthur, stop fiddling with that Muggle picture maker.**

**Arthur: Alright dear.**

**Molly: George, Fred, Percy, Charlie, Bill…where's Ron with your sister?**

"We were wondering-"

"-the same thing, musical Mum." Fred and George grinned at the two other Weasleys in the room.

**Ron: Did somebody say Ron?**

Fred, George and Sirius laughed and Remus looked mildly amused by the character's portrayal.

**Molly: Ronnie, hurry, you're gonna miss your train.**

**Ron: Well, I'm trying to go faster but I've got this idiot little sister.**

"Please don't start that again."

**Molly: Ronnie, apologize to your idiot sister.**

**Ron: No!**

**Molly: Oh, you're gonna get it! –claps at Bill, who claps at Charlie, who claps at Percy, who claps at Fred, who claps George, who claps Ron, who claps at Ginny-**

**Ginny: Aah!**

"What the hell was that supposed to be?" Sirius looked really confused.

"I think she was slapping them, Sirius," Remus said.

"Oh. But that doesn't even look realistic!"

Remus sighed and shook his head as everyone else laughed at Sirius, who still looked a bit confused.

**Arthur: Alright gang, alright, picture time. This is Ronnie's first day at Hogwarts so here we go.**

**Molly: Oh, they're so cute!**

**Arthur: Alright now, smile and -shuts camera- I got it! That'll be a good one.**

"We all looked pretty stupid in that."

"No duh."

**Molly: Oh, Arthur.**

**Harry: Excuse me, sir?**

**Arthur: Yes, my dear boy?**

"Wait, hold on," Ron said as he held up a hand. "why is Dad there? When we met Harry he wasn't there."

Everyone just shrugged.

**Harry: I couldn't but overhear you say something about Hogwarts. Can you tell me how to get to Platform 9 ¾?**

**Arthur: Platform 9 ¾? Why, it's right through that brick wall.**

**Harry: What? W-what?**

"I guess it does sound pretty stupid when you say it out loud."

**Molly: Arthur, I think he doesn't know. Must have been raised by Muggles.**

**Harry: What's a Muggle?**

"You didn't know what a Muggle was?" Malfoy said incredulously.

"I was raised by them," Harry said defensively. "They never told me about this stuff."

"How stupid."

"Anyways, I think Hagrid told me, I don't really remember."

**Arthur: What's a Muggle? Why it's a wizard who doesn't…I mean it's a wizard who can't…He doesn't know what a Moogle is.**

"A Moogle? Really?"

**Molly: A Muggle is a non-magical person. I tell you what; you stick with Ronnie over there. It's his first year at Hogwarts too. **

That is sorta how it happened. But it's funnier this way."

**Alright Weasleys, in you go!**

**Arthur: Alright, follow me gang, come on. Here we go.**

"Why are Bill and Charlie going to Hogwarts? They graduated before my first year."

**Molly: Ginny dear, Ginny dear you come with me. Ginny, let the boys alone. Ginny, leave the boys alone. You can go to Hogwarts next year.**

**Ginny: -cries-**

**Ron: Yes, -waves hand around- at last…FREEDOM!**

Ginny huffed.

**God, I hate my stupid little sister. Ugh, she is just such a…such a…**

**Harry: Butter face?**

"Oh gee, thanks Harry." Ginny pouted.

"Uh, sorry." Harry said sheepishly.

**Ron: Hahahahahahaha. You know what kid, you're alright.** **I'm Ron Weasley. Hey, do you want a delicious Redvine?**

"Ooo," Hermione said. "I love those."

"Me too!" Harry said. "They're like my favorite snack in the whole world."

**Harry: Absolutely!**

**Ron: Well hey, here you go good buddy.**

**Harry: These are like my favorite snack in the whole world.**

"No need to repeat yourself Harry." Remus chuckled. Everyone stared at him. "What?"

"It's just," Fred started slowly. "You just made a joke."

"And?"

"You were a Professor. I didn't know it was possible for Professors, ex or not, to make jokes." George said.

"Well, it's not like I was a Marauder for nothing."

Fred and George's jaws dropped. "What?!"

"We didn't tell you?" Harry looked amused. "My dad, Remus, Sirius and the rat-" Sirius growled here. "were the Marauders."

"WHAT?!"

"I'm Moony." Remus smiled.

"I'm Padfoot." Sirius said proudly.

"My dad was Prongs." Harry said.

"The rat was Wormtail." Ron said darkly.

"Ooooh," the twins looked at each other. "I get it. Moony because of the werewolf thing-"

"-Padfoot because you're a dog Animagus-"

"-Wormtail because he was a rat and-"

"-Prongs because your dad was a stag Animagus."

Harry looked surprised. "How'd you know?"

"Well, your patronus is a stag-"

"-so we assumed that was why."

"Prongs, you know. Antlers." Fred and George stuck their hands up behind their heads and waved them around. Everyone laughed again and started to laugh even harder when the twins got on their hands and knees and started to bow to Remus and Sirius. Finally, Snape snapped and said that he "preferred the musical over such foolishness" so they turned back to the screen.

**Ron: Oh my god, me too. –they stare at each other before doing the mirror thing and mimicking each other's movements – **

"We should totally try that sometime."

"Definitely."

**Alright, favorite Aimee Mann song on three, one, two, three.**

**Harry and Ron: Redvines.**

Ginny rolled her eyes.

**Harry: Favorite color of vines, other than green.**

**Harry and Ron: Redvines.**

Hermione facepalmed

**Ron: Favorite way to say red wines in a German accent.**

**Harry and Ron: Redvines. OH MY GOD! –hug-**

"Wow. Bonding over candy. This wasn't how it really happened, right?" Sirius asked.

"Weeelll…"

"Oh my God it did happen that way! That is so cool!" Sirius laughed.

**Ron: Where have you been all of my life?**

**Harry: In a cupboard under some stairs.**

Sirius stopped laughing.

**Ron: That's so cool. Alright well, come on friend. Let's go to Hogwarts, just gotta go through that brick wall.**

**Harry: That sounds kind of scary.**

"It did," Hermione admitted.

**Ron: Hey, it's okay. We can do it together. Wanna hold hands?**

**Harry: I'd love that.**

"We aren't five."

**Ron: On the count of three…one-**

**Harry and Ron: -two, THREE! AH! -they run "through" the wall-**

**Ron: That's big brick wall.**

"Well hello, you just ran halfway around the stage to go through that archway."

**Percy: All aboard gang, Hogwarts Express.**

**Ron: Alright, let's go get a seat pal.**

**Harry: You got it.**

**Ron: Hey pal, that's, uh, a pretty cool headband you've got there.**

"I bet it's for your scar," Fred grinned.

"Sucker's bet. We all know it's for his scar." George replied.

**Harry: Ah, thanks I wear it to cover this gross scar I got when I was a baby.**

"Told you."

**I was in the car with my parents when they crashed into a crocodile. My parents got eaten, but then the crocodile took out a knife and gave me this scar. At least that's what my liar aunt and uncle told me.**

"I don't know how you believed that. It is the fakest sounding story I have ever heard and you two are my best friends." Hermione shook her head.

"Hey!"

**Ron: Well, that sucks, can I see it?**

**Harry: Uh yeah, sure. -takes off headband- What?**

"Dude, reactions are hilarious."

"And annoying." Harry muttered.

**Ron: Oh my god, you're Ha…you're Har…Har…**

**Seamus: Bloody Hell, it's Harry Potta!**

"That's Seamus, right?"

"Yeah. Though I think they're exaggerating his accent a bit. But only just a bit."

"Sure, Ron. Just a bit."

**Kids: Yay!**

**Seamus: Seamus Finnigan today, Mr. Potter, gotta say meeting you like this is a right treat, a right treat!**

**Harry: Hi, Seamus.**

**Dean: Yo, what up man, my name's Dean Thomas. You want some bubbleguuuum?**

Hermione covered her mouth in horror and everyone else laughed.

**Harry: Yeah, I love bubble gum.**

**Neville: Will you sign my Harry Potter poster, Mr. Potter?**

**Harry: Uh, yeah, sure. Okay, who should I make it out to?**

**Neville: Neville Longbottom, sir.**

**Harry: Okay, Shlongbottom.**

Everyone who had seen the previous musical laughed while everyone else looked confused.

"So that's where it's from!"

"You're so mean, Harry!"

"I don't get it." Sirius said.

"What's new?" Remus asked.

"Hey!"

Before anyone else could say anything Ginny quickly explained why they were laughing.

"Oooh. I get it now."

**Cho: Ni hao, Harry Potter my name is Cho Chang y'all. You should visit the Ravenclaw House sometime.**

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "Are they insinuating that you like Miss Chang, Harry?"

"I used to," Harry said, a trace of pink on his cheeks. "But I like someone else now."

"Right. That is so going into the discussion at the end of Act 1."

Harry looked like he was about to ask what he meant, but Sirius had already turned away.

**Harry: Ron, what is going on? Everyone is treating me like I'm-like I'm famous or something.**

"You are one of the three most famous people in all of Wizarding Britain, Potter." Malfoy remarked.

"Who are the other two?"

"Dumbledore and You-Know-Who."

"Oh."

**Ron: But Harry, you are. (singing) You're Harry Freakin' Potter. You don't understand you're a legend man to us all.**

"You are."

**Every son and daughter-**

**Kids: Safe!**

**Ron: -from You-Know-Who all because of you, you were small, but I wonder if you can recall?**

"Most of it."

**Kids: Oooo…**

**Ron: Long story short, this guy -whispers- Voldemort, (normal) was super cruel.**

**Harry: Voldemort?**

**Kids: -gasp- Shh!**

"Just a name, people. Get over it"

**Ron: He tried to kill you and your parents and this is where it gets intensely cool. Even though you were a tiny little boy, you should've died, but you survived and then destroyed-**

**Harry: What?**

**Ron: -this evil guy and it's a story we enjoy to tell!**

"It sure is," Harry grumbled.

**Kids and Ron: You're Harry Freakin' Potter! We don't prefer Gandalf, Merlin, or Oz.**

The muggle raised students laughed while everyone else looked confused.

"Gandalf and Oz are fictional wizards from books," Hermione explained. "They're very famous."

**You're a whole lot hotter. With that lightning scar, you're a superstar to us all! If we're in trouble, we know who to call!**

**Ron: And the best part is, you're rich!**

"Yes, Ron, that is obviously the best part."

**Rita: Did somebody say Harry Potter?** **Rita Skeeter here from the Daily Prophet**

"Not her," the Trio groaned.

**reporting to you live, dear readers, from Platform 9 ¾ where I just happened upon the original Wiz Kid himself, Harry Potter the lad who lived. Now, let's you and me get on the level HP. Where have you been for ten years? Are you excited to go to Hogwarts? Are you frightened for your life?**

"Why would I be frightened for my life?"

**Harry: Why would I be frightened for my life?**

"Harry, what have I said about repeating yourself?"

**Rita: Well, ain't you cock short. Know this, dear readers, HP-the eleven year old titan shows no fear, even in the face of a murderous dog like Sirius Black.**

**Harry: Who's Sirius Black?**

**Rita: Who's Sirius Black? You don't know? He used to be your dad's best friend until he betrayed him to the Dark Lord and got him killed. Yup, turns out he was a Death Eater. He killed thirteen ducks before they caught him and I mean people.**

Sirius looked down, ashamed, and Remus put a hand on his shoulder.

**He hates your guts, wants you dead.**

"Wrong," Sirius whispered. "I'd never want that."

**He just escaped from Azkaban, but it's no skin off your back, kid. You know why? (singing) You're Harry Freakin' Potter! I wouldn't wince at all; you're invincible to all harm.** **Like Betty Crocker, I wanna eat you up; no one'll beat you up with that charm. Remember Harry kid, you're the boss, you're the king, you're the bomb!** **Keep your nose clean kid; don't take any wooden sickles ha!**

"I love Betty Crocker!" Hermione said. "Don't we have some of that here?"

"I'll make brownies later," Harry promised. "maybe even a cake. But the song's wrong. Ron's king, right Ron?"

Ron groaned. "Don't bring it up. Please."

**Percy: All aboard!**

**Arthur: I love you so much.**

**Molly: I love you!**

**Harry: Ron, this is all too much to take in.** **This is all so surreal.**

"It was pretty hard to believe."

**Ron: No it's not, you're Harry Potter. You're the coolest goddamn kid in the entire world. Everything's awesome for you so you better get used to it.**

"It is_ not_ always awesome for me, but I _am _used to it."

**Harry: (singing) This is all so sad, I mean my mom and dad were killed long ago.**

**Kids: Long ago they died.**

**Harry: I wanna be psyched but being unliked is all I know.**

"Also kind of true."

**Kids: All he knows, that's what!**

**Harry: I'd never thought I'd be a part such a fate, an opportunity eleven years late. I guess it's time for me to step up to the plate and show 'em that I'm something great!** **I'm Harry Freakin' Potter! I'll do what I can if what you say I am is true. I can't be bothered by my awful past, I've found at last something I can do so it's time I knew exactly who I am! I'm Harry Freakin' Potter.**

"They say that too much," Harry complained. "We know I'm Harry freaking Potter. You can stop saying that. It's not like if you stop I'll become Remus freakin' Lupin or something."

**Kids: You're Harry Freakin' Potter!**

**Harry: I guess.**

**Everyone: You're Harry Freakin' Potter!**

**Harry: I'm the man!**

**Everyone: Harry Freakin' Potter!**

"That was pretty good."

"Except or when they mentioned my home life. Not good."

"Right, now, Harry, are you going to tell us why they put you in a cupboard under the stairs?" Sirius asked in a serious-like manner.

"They didn't like me," Harry shrugged. "That's all there is to it."

"But when we got you in second year you had your own room." Fred pointed out.

"I got it after I got my Hogwarts letter. They Dursleys thought Hogwarts was spying on them because my cupboard was on my letter."

"And the bars on the window?" George asked.

Sirius paled. "They put _bars_ on your window. "So Hedwig couldn't hunt and I wouldn't be able to get letters." He chuckled. "Not that I would have anyways. Dobby was intercepting my mail."

"Dobby?" Remus asked.

"House-elf I freed from the Malfoys. No comments, Malfoy." Harry added when he saw Draco open his mouth.

"Okay, but Harry, why do they hate you?"

"They just do. Ever since I was dumped on their doorstep I was mistreated. No hitting, of course." He assured Sirius and Remus, who both looked like they wanted to strangle the Dursleys. "They just made me do a lot more chores than Dudley." _who had no chores_, Harry wanted to add, but opted for keeping quiet instead."

"Harry-"

"Can we please not have this conversation anymore? I don't want to talk about it."

Sirius sighed. "Fine. But Dumbledore," said man looked up from his lap, which he had been staring at for the entire conversation. "I want to talk to you about this."

"Of course, Sirius."

"Good. Is there somewhere private we can talk?"

A door appeared on the wall across from the one with the screen with a note attached to it:

_Okay, I just realized you need this. It's a destruction room. Whoever you want to brutally murder for something that happened in the musical will appear in this room as a stuffed mannequin and you get to beat them up. Wands are allowed in this room only and only if you're killing my stuffed mannequins. For chats there are no magic still. I'd like to say it's soundproof, but if you yell loud enough everyone would be able to hear you. So, feel free to have as many private chats as you want!_

"Does this happen often?" Sirius asked after reading the note.

"Kinda."

"Great."

"But at least you have a private room now."

"Oh yeah."

So Dumbledore and Sirius walked into the room of destruction.

~OoOoOoOoO~

After half-an-hour, a series of shouts, thumps, and a glass shattering, the two came out. Sirius looked pleased, but still angry, and Dumbledore looked a bit upset.

"Can we continue with the musical now? I want to leave." Snape said as soon as the door opened.

"Yes, fine." Sirius said as he sat down on the bean bag chair again.

"Good."

"Did we miss anything?"

"No, we just played hangwizard." Harry pointed to the table, where there was a piece of paper with a woman that looked a lot like Umbridge being hung and UMBRIDGE TO UMBIT_H was written underneath.

Sirius raised an eyebrow and Ginny explained that they were almost finished with their seventh game when the two came out.

"Ah."

"Yep. So are we gonna watch the musical now or what?"

**Please Review!**


	4. Act 1 Scene 3

**WHEE! I got my first ''constructive criticism''! So if you want to skip my commentary on it, just move along to the actual story, this might take a while. If the reviewer wasn't a guess you wouldn't have to deal, but...**

**The CC: When I first read it, I was like "Yeah, I can see that." but then I'm like "Whoa, self-insert? which one?" I feel like I do more than when they pointed it out. It's just how I write, by adding a bit of me into the characters (a habit I'm trying to break). But the shallow Hermione part is a bit unfair. I feel I've downplayed her know-it-all attitude a bit so she's more relaxed and fun to have for the musical, but not so much that she's become shallow. About the fangirling part: her best friends are boys and she doesn't really get to giggle with the girls in her dorm, does she? I feel like that, if given the chance, she would like to giggle about a boy once in a while, even if it makes her seem ten. Don't all female teenagers, even brainiacs like her, do this? She's finally getting time to squeal about a guy with another teenage girl. I get that I may be overdoing it, but this story IS labeled as a parody too, you know. As for the Gilderoy part...fair point. I hadn't realy thought about it. I'll try to put it in somewhere. And the twins...well yeah, the constant switching between them is annoying and tiresome, but that's just how they're written. Two red-head twins that like to prank and mess with people who are constantly finishing the other's sentences. I rather like to think they're also portrayed as rather observant, which is why they caught on to the whole, Harry/Ginny thing, even with only having Ron tell them about it. But still, thanks for pointing out the flaws, I'll try to make them more in character.**

**Okay, now that I've gotten that review out of the way, thanks for all the others that were much nicer (and the follows/favorites!)! You ninjas just keep getting better and better :)**

**Disclaimer: Why, yes, I do own Harry Potter and AVPS. -senses scary lawyers coming for me- HAHA YOU'LL NEVER GET ME! -they kick down my door and come at me with paperwork to sue me- WAIT NO, I DON'T OWN. Just don't sue. Anything but the suing.**

* * *

Act 1 Scene 3

"Ron…what are you doing?"

"It's a Muggle thing," Hermione explained to Ginny. "It's pretty much just a security system."

"Well it looks pretty stupid."

**Ron: Hey, what's up buddy?**

**Harry: Hey Ron.**

**Ron: Who's this guy?**

"Whoever he is, he looks homeless."

**Harry: I don't know. He was here when I got here. He's asleep. I think he's homeless. **

"Sirius, you don't have to repeat Harry," Remus said.

Sirius, being the mature adult he is, just stuck his tongue out.

**Ron: Gross. Um, we kind of got separated at the train station and uh, you forgot this.**

**Harry: You know man, everybody in the Wizarding world loves my scar. Why don't you keep it?**

"Aaw, that's very sweet of you Harry."

**Ron: Really? Wow.**

**Harry: Looks good man.**

"What a nice friend you are, little Harry-kins." George grinned.

"Such a wonderful boy, indeed." Fred agreed.

**Ron: Thanks. Dammit, now I wanna give you something.**

**Harry: No it's okay.**

**Ron: Um let me see here. Ooo, do you want a rat?**

"NO."

**Harry: AH!**

**Ron: AH! It's my rat.**

**Harry: Oh, you're rat.**

**Ron: His name's Scabbers.**

Sirius's face darkened and Harry glared hatefully at the screen. Remus looked angry as well.

**He's been in my family for like, a hundred years. In fact, I think my parents found him the same night your parents died.**

**Harry: Weird.**

"Not weird. He wanted it to happen."

**Ron: I know weird. Hey, you want a Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Candy Bean?**

"Those are gross," Ron said, making a face.

**Harry: Sure.**

"Curse my musical self."

**Ron: They have every flavor in the entire world, they even have a poopy flavored one but it's so rare, you'll never be lucky enough to get it.** **What flavor did you get?**

"It better not be poopy."

**Harry: Broken Computer.**

"Thank Merlin. But that sounds pretty gross too."

**Ron: That's gross. I can't remember the last time I got a candy flavored one.**

**Harry: What you get?**

**Ron: Defeat.**

"Well that's nice."

**Well, I give up on these.** **Hey, why don't' we wash these beans down with some of the greatest snacks in the entire world?**

**Ron and Harry: Redvines!**

"Bertie Bott's are just nasty. Redvines can totally help."

**Ron: Oh, I've got them right here in my bag. Um...**

**Harry and Ron: AH! –Ron pulls out a cat-**

"CROOKSHANKS!" the kids yelled.

"Demon cat," Ron muttered. Hermione elbowed him.

**Hermione: Oh, Crookshanks! Oh, bad kitty, sorry. Sometimes he just crawls into the darndest places.**

"Darndest isn't a word." Hermione said automatically.

**Ron: It's okay, just next time just watch-OH MY GOD, NIGHT TROLL!**

Hermione huffed angrily, "I am not a night troll!"

"'Course not," Ron said quickly. "You're too pretty to be a night troll."

Hermione blushed.

**Hermione: I'm not a night troll. I'm a little girl.** **My name's Hermione Granger. Jiminy Crickets, you're Harry Potter.**

"Please tell me you aren't going to be all 'Oh, did you know you're in this book and that book?' like you were in real life?" Harry begged.

**Harry: Oh yeah, weird, man.**

**Hermione: I'm such a big fan. Say, would you sign my petition?**

**Harry: Um, sure.**

**Ron: No, no he doesn't want to. –slaps clipboard out of her hand-**

"Gee, thanks Ron."

**Hermione: I'm collecting signatures for house elf suffrage.**

"SPEW already? Hermione you're a first year!"

"It's not SPEW! It's S. P. E. W.!"

**You see, I just think it's awful that some creatures in the Wizarding world aren't treated equally just because they were born as ugly, sickly little creatures with big dumb noses and I think that we**

"Did you just say we in reference to you AND the house elves being ugly, sickly little creaturs?"?"

"I hope not."

**-I mean the elves-are just as good as anybody. Not to mention that the world is just isn't made for those little guys. Did you know over 600 house elves die in toilet-related incidents every year?**

"No." Fred and George said at the same as Remus and Malfoy said "Yes."

When they saw all the wierd looks they were receiving Remus explained, "I was doing extra research for an essay."

Everyone looked at Malfoy, who shrugged, "My father has drowned a few of our house elves in the toilet before. When I asked why he used the toilet he said that purebloods usually did it to 'flush out the filth'."

They ignored him after that, and Harry and Ron had to hold Hermione back from strangling Malfoy.

**Harry: Stop talking, uh, I'll sign it; just don't send me any emails.**

"Which are…?"

"Another Muggle computer thing."

**Hermione: Oh no, I won't. Thanks Harry.**

**Harry: There you go, hey, are we the first people you asked? There's only one other name on here.**

**Hermione: That is my name.**

**Harry: Oh, well then, there you go Herm-i-one.**

"You can't even pronounce my name!"

"Sorry!"

**Hermione: So, Harry Potter, did you really grow up in the Muggle world?**

"Um, yeah. I still don't get why everyone finds it so hard to believe."

**Harry: Yeah, found out I was a wizard like two minutes ago.**

"No, it was like a month."

**Hermione: Yeah, I grew up in the Muggle world too. My parents are Muggles, Muggle dentists.**

**Candy Lady: Candy from the trolley.**

**Hermione: I am ever so excited to finally go to Hogwarts.**

"Aren't all Muggle-raised witches and wizards?" Harry smiled fondly.

**Ron: Yeah, it's because Hogwarts is the best place in the entire world.**

"Hogwarts is a very nice place Mister Weasley, but I wouldn't call it the best," Dumbledore said. Everyone startled; they had forgotten he was there.

**Hermione: Well yeah, and to be taught so many great witches and wizards like Albus Dumbledore.**

**Harry: Who the hell is Albus Dumbledore?**

"The most powerful wizard of the era."

**Ron: He's only the bestest, most bravest…**

**Hermione: Most wisest, most talented…**

**Ron: Beautiful…**

"You have a thing for calling Dumbledore beautiful, Ron."

**Hermione: Most beautiful wizard who ever lived.**

"And you guys usually agree."

**Lady: Candy from the trolley.**

**Hermione: And my dream of dreams is to someday graduate top of my class.**

"Well, that'll be easy. You're the smartest witch in our year!"

**Lady: Candy from the troll-ah! –she gets replaced by a Death Eater-**

**Death Eater: Candy from the trolley?**

Everyone burst out laughing at the deep voice the Death Eater had.

**Ron: Yes, at last.**

**Hermione: My parents say that candy's bad for your teeth.**

"Because it is…"

**Death Eater: Avada…**

**Remus: Expelliarmus!**

"Is that… Remus?"

**-uses the bottle to cast spell and uses wand to hit the guy, who falls off the train-** **Take that, you bastard ass!** **Oh goddamn it, oh well at least I still have a-oh no, what? Where'd it go? Oh…oh shit. Oh, that's piss. Wait, was I drinking piss?** **You must be Harry Potter.**

"No," Sirius shook his head. "It's definitely not Remus. He doesn't cuss. Especially not like that."

**Harry: What are you-you killed the candy lady!**

**Hermione: AAAAH!**

Remus rolled his eyes. "I don't think he killed the Death Eater just, ah, tossed him off the train. Violently."

**Remus: Oh no, kids, stop it, stop it! Kids don't be afraid of me. -shoves bottle into Hermione's mouth-** **I'm not dangerous and I'm not homeless anymore.**

"See? He isn't homeless…anymore."

**My name is Remus Lupin.**

"OH MY MERLIN, IT IS REMUS! THAT'S HILARIOUS!" Sirius shouted as he started rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off. Soon everyone else joined in, except for Remus, who was glaring at everyone.

**I'm your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher and that so-called candy lady was a Death Eater. She was about two seconds away from killing you, your little friend, and his pet night troll.**

"I'm not a night troll!

**Harry: What's a Death Eater? What is that?**

**Remus: It's a servant of You-Know-Who.** **I figured a few of them might show up when they learned that Harry Potter was headed to Hogwarts. They can be real hard-ass dickheads.**

Sirius, who had just gotten back to his seat after all the rolling, started to laugh again.

**Trio: -gasp and cover their ears-**

**Remus: What's the matter with you guys?**

"They're first years." Snape pointed out.

**Oh shit! You guys are kids. I gotta watch my damn mouth around you little bastards. I'm sorry. Shoot, I gotta watch my mouth around you little bastards.**

"Yes, because that helped so much."

**Ah! -falls over-**

**Trio: Whoa! -tip over on bench-**

**Ron: Hey, looks like the train stopped. We're here!**

"Ooh, does that mean we'll be sorted soon?" Ron looked excited.

"Yeah, probably," Harry nodded.

"Maybe we'll get sorted by that Scarf of Sexual Preference from the first musical!"

"That would be totally awesome."

**Remus: Yup son. Harry, listen, this year I don't want you to be worried about Death Eaters, or that Sirius Black or werewolves**

"Of course you'd say that."

**or anything else that can kill you right now. Alright, 'cause as long as you're at Hogwarts with me and Headmaster Dumbledore there to protect you, you're perfectly safe. Trust me Harry, no one at Hogwarts hates you.**

"Except Snape." Harry said. Snape glared at him.

**Snape: What the devil is going on here?**

"There's that point proven."

"Can we get to the next scene now? I want to get sorted!"

"Calm down, you sound like a first year."

"Ouch, Hermione."

"Well it's true. Look the next scene's coming on now, so shut up, okay?"

"Yes, Hermione."


	5. Act 1 Scene 4

**Happy Valentine's Day/Single Awareness Day, my little ninjas! Because Auntie Rachel loves you all and your amazing reviews, I'm giving you this chapter.**

**Thanks for all the reviews/favorites/alerts! 51 reviews in 4 chapters? Wow, you guys are awesome!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Starkid or HP, but I sure do love 'em!**

* * *

Act 1 Scene 4

Sirius, the twins, and even Remus were laughing. "Snape looks hilarious!"

"Is that eyeliner?"

"Best blackmail material ever!"

**Snape: What are you doing here, get off the train! Why, Remus Lupin.**

**Remus: Severus Snape.**

**Ron: That's Snape, he's evil.**

"Well duh. Death Eater."

**Snape: Get off the train! Not you boy, you sit. So you must be Harry Potter. I can tell just by not talking to you that you're a no good, good-for-nothing nobody like your father.**

"James wasn't a no good, good-for-nothing nobody, he was an arrogant, bullying toerag!" Sirius exclaimed. "Merlin, Snape, get it right."

Remus noted Harry's frown. "Don't worry, Harry, you're father wasn't a nobody. The opposite, actually."

Harry frowned even further.

**Remus: You know what; just leave the poor kid alone, okay? God, you haven't changed at all since our school days at Hogwarts. Hey Harry, don't pay any attention to Sour-Grape-Snape!**

"I'm so offended," Snape drawled sarcastically. "Is that really the best you could come up with, Lupin?"

"It's not even me!"

**Snape: How dare you speak that name?!**

**Remus: I've said it before Snape and I'll say it again, you always have been and you always will be…a butt trumpet!**

Everyone but Snape burst out laughing. Even Malfoy was laughing a bit. Snape just scowled.

**You know why? 'Cause you've got a trumpeting butt!**

**Snape: No I haven't.**

**Remus: Yes! –he makes fart noises-**

Everyone started to laugh even harder, and the twins started to roll on the floor, clutching their sides.

**Snape: Stop it. Stop that!**

**Remus: Hey guys, I'm Snape's butt! –he makes fart noises again-**

"Remus," Sirius wheezed out through laughs. "Why—ahahaha—can't you do this—haha—in real life?"

"I wouldn't want to look as stupid as you," Remus said.

"Hey!"

**Snape: No, he's not! That doesn't sound anything like my butt.**

**Remus: Ha, who looks stupid now?** **You do.**

"Oh Merlin," Remus facepalmed. "My character is so stupid."

"Obviously."

**Snape: Alright. We're both adults now. I demand that you stop acting like a child or I'll tell Dumbledore and have you expelled.**

"You can't expel him, he's not a student," Hermione said.

Snape rolled his eyes. "Granger, quit talking to an inanimate object,"

**Remus: I don't think so, Snape, because I'm a teacher now, you can't expel me.** **I'll expel you. In fact, you're expelled! I just expelled you!**

"You can't expel him either, Lupin," Ginny pointed out.

"Yes, I know," Remus said, exasperated at his character. "And please, call me Remus."

**Snape: What, that's absurd! You can't expel me; we can't expel each other, can we?**

"No, you can't!"

**Remus: I won't pretend to know.**

**Snape: Well, then I will. Snape, vanish.**

"Was that your attempt at apparating, Professor?" Fred grinned.

"Don't think that's how you do it, sir," George said.

**Harry: Wow, what a jerk!**

**Remus: Yeah, but listen Harry don't let him bother you, okay? You're finally where you belong, at Hogwarts, the place where your parents spent the best years of their lives.**

Sirius and Remus looked down sadly.

**So go on Harry, go find what you were always meant to be, the home you never knew you had.**

**Harry: I'll see you Lupin.**

**Remus: See you in class, Harry.**

**Harry: (singing) Home, I've heard the word before, but it's never meant much more than just a thing I've never had.**

Sirius and Remus frowned, Hermione huffed angrily, and Ron and Ginny fingered their wands.

**A place, they say 'hey, know your place,' but I've never had a place to even know, or a face that I could go to if I needed someone there.**

"Oh Harry…" Hermione said softly.

**I'm laughing; it's hard to hide a smile. My god, it's been a while since I have had a reason to. To think, it's been here all along, somewhere to belong and a reason, a something to believe in. I've finally found it, a place where I'm wanted. This must be how it feels to have a home. I used to dream about it, but never schemed or counted on fantasies or wishes. It breaks a man to see what he misses and so many nights I'd pray for a better life, a better day, but I never thought that it'd come true. Now it's finally here, I don't know what to do!** **Don't know what to do and I'm trying not to cry.**

Hermione and Ginny sniffled.

**Ron: Hey Harry, let's go get Sorted.**

"The scarf better be there."

**Harry: This must be how it feels to have a home!** **I've finally made it. I've hoped and I've waited and for the first time in my life, I don't feel so alone. My heart starts to heal, to know this is real. This is how it must feel to have a home!**

**Sorting Hat: Gryffindor! Gryffindor! Gryffindor!**

"Well, that was nice," Ron said.

"It was. I liked it a lot," Hermione replied.

"I think this one's my favorite so far," Ginny agreed.

"Well, let's get Sorted, shall we?"

**Please Review!**


	6. Act 1 Scene 5

**Ninjas! Super excited: I'm qualified for a scholarship becuase I scored above the 90th percentile on my Placement Test! AND I might get to have all AP classes! (Actually, I'm not looking forward to that one. More work = less time for fanfiction.) Only 13 people made the cut. And the max was 25. I feel so smart ;)**

**So, a long chappie in honor of that.**

**Also, because I got like, 50 comics out of it. And the Young Justice episode I watched this morning was totally awesome.**

**Thanks for all of the reviews/favorites/alerts! You guys are the bestest ninjas in the universe :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or A Very Potter Sequel. But I'm working on it.**

* * *

Act 1 Scene 5

**Harry: -Snape puts Harry's tie on too tightly- Ah!**

"Thank you for trying to kill me before I even sat down, Professor."

**Snape: Wait Potter, your Sorting isn't done yet, the Scarf of Sexual Preference.**

"YES, IT'S THE SCARF."

**Scarf: Metrosexual.**

Harry stared at the screen while everyone else burst into laughter.

"I am—what—I am not!" he spluttered, making everyone else laugh even harder.

**Harry: So, does the school provide shoes to go with this fabulous tie or not?**

"Wait, why wasn't I wearing shoes?"

"The actor-"

"-Darren Criss," Ginny interrupted Hermione, after checking the paper with the actors and actresses' names.

"Yes, him. He probably didn't have enough time to change from jeans and a sweater into the uniform, so they probably added that part so he didn't have such a hard time."

"Oh."

**Snape: It sure does.**

**Harry: I'll make it work. Hey guys, what'd you guys get Sorted as?**

**Ron: Bi-curious.**

This time, everyone but Ron (who turned a nice shade of Weasley red) started to laugh.

"Everything makes-" Fred said as he and George calmed down a bit.

"-so much more sense now!" George finished before the two burst into laughter again.

Ron turned even redder.

**Hermione: Waiting till marriage.**

Now, everyone minus Hermione laughed. Hermione merely turned a bright pink and refused to look at anyone.

"I can so see that happening!"

**Harry: No, I meant what House did you get Sorted in?**

**Ron: Oh, Gryffindor.**

**Hermione: Gryffindor.**

**Harry: Gryffindor, cool me too! **

"Woooow…" Harry grinned. "That means it was totally pointless for you to tell me your sexual preference."

**Seamus: Bloody ass, Dean, get a load of this. We're in the same House as Harry Potta!** **Why don't you just put your feet right up here Mr. Potter, right here. –lays down so Harry can prop his feet-**

"The accent is killing me."

**Neville: Can I shine your shoes, Mr. Potter?**

**Harry: Go for it, man.**

**Dean: Yo man, I've got this real mean back rub.**

**Harry: Alright.**

"I'm acting so…out of character."

"Parody, Harry. Parody."

**Ron: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, services not necessary!**** Get out.****-he spits on Harry's neck and rubs it, and massages his head-**

"Ron, no offense, but I do not want your spit on my head."

**Harry: Ooo, thank you.** **Gryffindor House rocks, I can't even imagine what other kinds of assholes exist in the other stupid Houses.**

"Malfoy," Ron coughed. Malfoy ignored him.

**Sorting Hat: Slytherin!**

**Draco: Well, well, well, isn't this cute?**

Sirius, Remus, and the twins burst into hysterical laughter. The twins were doubled over, clutching their sides.

"Oh Merlin, you're played by a girl!"

**The rumors are true. You must be Harry Potter, the famous bastard.**

"Two out of three. I'm not a bastard."

**My name is Draco Malfoy. I am a racist, -Dean stands up and Seamus pulls him down- I despise gingers and Mudbloods, I hate Gryffindor House, and my parents work for the man who killed your parents.** **Do you want to be my friend?**

"After that speech? Definitely not."

**Harry: Hate Gryffindor House? Get out of my face Malfoy! -pushes Draco-**

"THAT'S what I'm mad about?! Hating Gryffindor House?! Really?!"

**Gryffindors: Gasp.**

**Hermione: Harry no!**

**Draco: You are not permitted to touch!**

"Brat," Ginny muttered.

**Crabbe! Goyle!**

**Goyle: Who dares disturb my slumber?** **Get over here! -summons Ron-**

"Goyle is like, really creeping me out in this."

"Totally."

**Crabbe: You too girl. **

**Goyle: It's clobbering time!**

**Draco: As you wish, shake them. -Ron and Hermione get shaken by Crabbe and Goyle-**

"What horrible tortures," Hermione said dryly.

**Harry: Stop! Stop!**

**Draco: Yes, yes. How does it feel to watch your friends be tortured?**

**Harry: Leave Ron alone, you bastards! Leave him alone!**

"Feeling the love, Harry."

"Sorry Hermione."

**Ron: Just be his friend, Harry!**

**Hermione: We'll miss you Harry!**

**Draco: Feel like being my friend yet Potter?**

"I would, just to save them. But I'd probably be a terrible friend."

**Harry: No way!** **Yeah, you can torture my friends all you want.**

"NO YOU CAN'T."

**I will never, and I mean ever, be your friend.**

**Draco: You've made a grandiose mistake Potter. No one undermines Draco Malfoy.**

**Dumbledore: Oh, Malfoy, you little shit.**

"Dumbledore!" The Gryffindors chorused at the same time as the characters on screen. The twins and two Marauders started to laugh again.

**Gryffindors: Dumbledore!**

**Dumbledore: Go sit down right now or I will spank your diapered tush.**

"Malfoy wears a diaper?"

**Harry: Malfoy wears a diaper?**

"Harry, what have I said about repeating yourself?"

**Dumbledore: He sure does. Draco, x-ray glasses.** **-everyone laughs-** **Look through this.**

**Draco: This is all your fault Potter. You wait until my father hears about this.**

"The famous Draco Malfoy line."

**Dumbledore: Well, well, well, welcome everybody to your very first magical year at Hogwarts. My name is Albus Dumbledore and I'll be your Headmaster. Now, you can call me Dumbledore or else! Now, by now you should've been sorted into one of four Houses. During your time at Hogwarts, your House will be like your family, warring families who all hate each other. Finally compete for this, the Cup.**

"We do hate each other. Except for the Hufflepuffs, most of whom are so nice, it can get really irritating."

**Goyle: Look at that Cup. I'd feed myself to Aragog's children for that Cup.**

"I wouldn't," Ron shuddered.

**Ron: I'd kill for that Cup.**

"I wouldn't," Harry said.

**Harry: That cup is ours, Slytherin, so you're gonna die! –the kids start shouting at each other-**

"We wouldn't kill them for it…most likely."

**Dumbledore: Kids, kids, kids! You can't kill each other in the Great Hall; you have to wait to do that on the Quidditch field.**

"Yeah, we do tend to get overly violent when it comes to Quidditch," Ginny mused.

**Dean: Quidditch?** **Whatchu talking 'bout Dumbledore?**

**Dumbledore: Dean, Quidditch is a magical sport, just for wizards and boy, is it silly.**

"QUIDDITCH ISN'T SILLY!" The Quidditch fanatics yelled.

**We take you little cuties and shoot you thousands of miles up into the air on brooms where you bounce around big old balls and beat each other with long thick clubs.**

"Well when you put it that way…"

**There's some other rules in there somewhere and you get points somehow, but the thing we all watch for is the blood. Isn't that right Lupin?**

**Remus: Sure as hell is, Dumbledore.**

"YAY!" Sirius clapped. "Remus is back!"

**Dumbledore: Kids, I'd like you to meet Remus Lupin, you're new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.** **He's also volunteered to coach the Gryffindor Quidditch Team.** **And, let's not forget about my very good friend, our Potions Master and coach of the Slytherin Team, Professor Snape.**

The Gryffindors and former Gryffindors cheered for Remus and booed when Dumbledore announced Snape until Remus shushed them.

**Snape: Yay. -claps- I would like to take this opportunity to announce the Hogwarts Astronomy Club. This year we will be paying particularly close attention to the cycles of the moon and their effects on a certain professor.** **Remus Lupin, for example, what do you enjoy doing in the light of a full moon?**

"Snape…"

**Remus: That's an easy one Snape, kill! -kids gasp and Lavender cries- I mean kill…I mean kill animals. -all kids cry except Gryffindor- I mean dance with animals!**

"Smooth, Remus," Sirius said sarcastically.

**Snape: If my calculations are correct, it should be a full moon this evening.**

**Remus: Ah, you're full of shit Snape. –the kids cover their ears- I mean poopy. There was a full moon just 30 days ago.**

"Fail."

**In fact, I must be going. I uh, feel in the mood to kill some animals I-ah! -hand became a furry claw-** **My transformation, it's beginning. Sorry kids, speed of a wolf! –he runs off stage-**

"That has never happened to be before."

"What about the time you-"

"Shut up, Sirius."

**Snape: Bye.**

**Dumbledore: Anyways, on a more serious note**

Hermione giggled. Everyone gave her weird looks.

"They mentioned Sirius was on the run, right?" Hermione asked. Everyone nodded. "Well Dumbledore always has the really important announcements at the Welcoming Feast, right?" Everyone nodded again. "Then let me repeat: 'On a more SERIOUS note.'"

Sirius was the first to get it. "Ooooh, I get it." He grinned. "Because I'm a very Sirius matter."

Everyone 'oooh'ed after that and they moved on.

**Hogwarts isn't all fun and games and trying to violently kill each other.** **Your lives can be in grave danger as well. **

**Cho: Whatever could you mean, Professor Dumbledore?**

**Dumbledore: Miss Cho Chang, how yah doing Cho? Well, Cho, I'm sure you all heard by now that the violent criminal Sirius Black has escaped from Azkaban and the Ministry is not taking the threat he poses to Hogwarts very lightly.**

"They set Dementors around the school. Of course they didn't take it lightly."

**Neville: Oh d-d-dear, Professor, do you mean that…Sirius Black could be headed…here?**

**Dumbledore: I sure do, Shlongbottom.** **In fact, there might be some cute little Gryffindor that's leading him right to our doorstep.**

Harry groaned and Sirius grinned sheepishly.

**Ron: Thanks Herman.**

**Harry: Ron, he said cute, he could only be talking about me.**

"Thanks, Harry."

"Sorry!"

**Ron: Oh yeah, duh Hermee-one's a butt.**

"Thanks, Ron."

"Sorry!"

**Dumbledore: She sure is, Ron.** **Anyways, Ministry has sent a new security officer to help keep Harry Potter, as well as everybody else, as safe as can be. So, kids I want you to help me by giving a big warm Hogwarts welcome to Professor Umbridge. **

"NO!" yelled everyone that had Umbridge as a teacher.

"Not her…"

"Anyone but her, please."

They gaped when they saw Umbridge.

"Is that-?" Ginny and Hermione burst out laughing. "It's the same guy that played Voldemort in the last musical!"

Everyone else started to laugh too.

**Severus, I was under the impression that the Ministry was sending a woman. This handsome stud-muffin is, he's dreamy, sexy man.**

"Gross."

**Harry: Who is that guy?**

**Ron: That's no guy, that's Dolores Umbridge, my dad told me about her. He says she can't be killed, he says she drinks blood.**

"She doesn't drink it," Harry muttered, rubbing the scar on his hand: 'I must not tell lies.'

**Hermione: I read she used to be the warden of Azkaban and that the Dementors that worked there are only afraid of one thing: her.**

"Umbridge would never set foot in Azkaban." Fred rolled his eyes.

**Seamus: I heard, one time, a Dementor Kissed her and it died.**

"Dementors can't die," Hermione corrected.

**Neville: Oh d-d-dear.**

**Dumbledore: Ah, Professor Snape will now escort the boys to their dormitories and uh, Professor Umbridge has asked to help with all of you young ladies about the girls' dorm.**

**Snape: Walk this way. –the boys skip away-**

"What the hell was that?"

"I have no idea."

"Well, I want to see what Umbridge does to the girls. To the next scene!"

**Please Review!**


	7. Act 1 Scene 6

**Okay, I started watching Doctor Who. Almost done with season 2 and also the reason why this wasn't updated this morning. Sorry!**

**Thank you for all the reviews! And the favorites and alerts. Love ya ninjas!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own HP or Starkid.**

* * *

Act 1 Scene 6

**Dumbledore: Well, if it isn't Harry _ing Potter.** **Haven't seen you since you were a cute little baby. Didn't you grow up into a sexy little bitch like your father?**

Harry gagged and Sirius and Remus laughed. Dumbledore had turned a light shade of pink.

**Harry: You knew my dad?**

**Dumbledore: I sure did and your mom too. Both of them were in Gryffindor House when they came to Hogwarts. I forget where the Scarf put them though.**

"For your dad, probably 'Redheads only'," Sirius mused.

"And for your mum, it would have to be 'bullying, arrogant toerags only'," Remus grinned.

**Harry: Well, what did you get Sorted when you came to Hogwarts?**

**Dumbledore: Gay as the Fourth of July…**

Everyone gaped at the screen. Then they all turned to Dumbledore in creepy unison and stared.

**Oh, you mean from the Hat. Gryffindor Harry, you should be very proud because Gryffindor is the House of the good guys. Now you get that cute little tush off to bed, you scamp.**

"I'm not sure if I should laugh or not…"

**Harry: Alright, bye Dumbledore.**

**Dumbledore: Alright.**

**Scarf: Alright Dumbledore, let's go to bed. I'm so over Sorting these little bastards.**

"Ouch. Thanks Scarfy."

**Dumbledore: Scarfy?**

**Scarf: What? Some of them are bastards, that little Draco Malfoy is he gonna be a pain in the nose.**

"So Malfoy's a bastard? Awesome. Who's your daddy?" Ron grinned at Malfoy, who scowled and ignored him.

**Dumbledore: Oh Scarfy!**

**Scarf: Oh Dumble-dear, come on. Let's go feng shui your office.**

"What's that?"

"I've heard of it before, but I don't really remember."

**Dumbledore: Oh yeah, I feel like I'm missing a water element.**

**Scarf: Follow me.**

**Umbridge: Ehem, now girls, I know that this is your first year at Hogwarts and I know that some of you might be nervous or frightened.**

"Um, duh."

**But girls, I'm here to make your time at Hogwarts as totally awesome as possible.** **Because girls, I'm not just a teacher or security officer, in fact I like to think of all of you as my daughters.**

"That's not creepy at all."

"I would never want her to be my mum."

**And that makes me your mama; a very loving and caring mama I am.**

Harry scoffed.

**So, for all of us girls to get along in the girls' dormitory this year, I have just some very simple rules that must be obeyed.**

"Oh, this should be fun."

**Rule Number 1: No boys…**

Ginny pouted.

**Unless they're cute.**

The most of the room gaped and Ginny started to laugh hysterically.

**Rule Number 2: No alcohol…**

"If you get to drink alcohol…"

**Unless there's plenty to go around.**

"That is so not fair," Fred and George complained.

**Stop it girls I'm bad and Rule Number 3: No parties…**

"Gryffindor is always allowed parties."

**Unless Umbridge is invited!**

"Oh Merlin, I _really _don't want her at any Gryffindor parties."

**Haha, girls, girls, girls, you keep me young, girls, you keep me young. Der der der der der der.**

Everyone burst out laughing.

"Stupidest…laugh…ever!" Harry managed between laughs.

**But seriously girls, if I do catch you with any boys or alcohol, I'm gonna rip your perky little boobs off.**

"Oh my Godric."

**That's right, from now on we gonna be doing things around here my way. We gonna be doing things around here the UMBRDIGE WAY! –Lavender starts to cry, Umbridge pulls her up by her hair - I'm sorry, did I make you cry you chubby little _?**

"Cruel," Ginny said.

"Poor Lavender," Hermione muttered.

"Never thought Hermione Granger of all people would feel badly for Lav-Lav," Harry grinned at said Hermione. She blushed.

"I'm just saying."

**That's alright, human tears are very natural. In fact, when I was a young human, tears would flow from my eyeballs all the time.**

"_When _ you were a young human? What are you now then?"

**Until one day, when my Mama Umbridge said to me, "Dolores, girl, you put down that cheesecake, you throw out that fondue, and you get up off of that couch girl. Get on up! –Hermione stands up- Sit down!**** –Hermione sits down- **

"Smart, Granger." Malfoy drawled.

"Oh, shut up, Malfoy."

**And from that moment forward, I picked up anything I could find and I hoisted it over my head and I ate nothing but protein shakes, falcon eggs, and rocks!**

"Gross."

**Cause I'll tell you girls, it's a man's world out there and to get ahead you've gotta be stronger than a man, you've gotta be a woman.**** I am woman, hear me**** SMASH!**

"Oh, that's a great idea."

**So get up girls, get on up and fall in. Dress up that line. It's your mama Umbridge's job to keep her baby bears safe and I'm gonna do just that. And to do that, I'm gonna toughen you girls up. From this day forward, you're gonna do 500 push-ups a day. Except for you Cho Chang, you don't gotta do a goddamn thing.**

""That's not fair," Ginny said.

**Cho: Goodie.**

**Umbridge: Yeah because everybody already just thinks that you're so goddamn perfect, don't they?**

"No."

**Cho: Well, I certainly hope I haven't given them any reason not to think so.**

"I'm sure you have."

**Umbridge: Der der der der der And funny too! Isn't she just a _ing peach girls? Don't we just _ing love her? -grabs her hair-** **Lesson Number 1 girls, little skanks like her are always going to get whatever they want and the rest of you, you are going to have to eat each other to get ahead because that's the way the world works for frumpy, little turds like us!**

"Well then…"

**I mean, like you. Now girls, get on upstairs and brush them cute little teeth of yours and if I catch you outside of bed past 21 hundred hours, I won't be afraid to stick a red-hot curling iron up them cute little puckered buttholes of yours because that's what my mama did to me and I won't be afraid to do it to my daughters. Lights out!**

"Umbridge kind of creeps me out…"

"She always has. She always will."

"Well, next scene then!"

**Please Review!**


	8. Act 1 Scene 7

**Hello! I'm glad you like me watching Doctor Who :) I'm on Season 5 already. It's so amazing! I like the Eleventh Doctor so far. And Amy Ponds reminds me of Ginny for some reason.**

**Thank you for all of your amazing reviews! And the ninjas are awesome.**

**No, I do not think Pokemon is THAT stupid, and yes, I like To Kill a Mockingbird, but at the same time I found it slightly pointless. Though I realize it has several important meanings, it wasn't that great for fun reading. Just wanted to point those out.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own HP, Starkid, To Kill a Mockingbird, or Pokemon. But I love all of them!**

* * *

Act 1 Scene 7

**Cho: G'morning, Gryffindors.**

**Seamus: Morning Miss Chang.**

**Dean: Carry those books for you?**

"Cho is so different…"

"And Dean. And Seamus."

"We're all different in this musical. That's the point."

**Ron: Charms sucks, Potions sucks, Transfiguration sucks.**

"Charms is okay, Transfiguration is okay, and Potions really sucks," Harry said. Ron nodded in agreement while Hermione just shook her head.

**Harry: Best class is definitely Satanic Rituals, ooo.**

"Oh my Godric."

"We don't even have a Satanic Rituals class!"

**Hermione: Hey guys, so where we headed?**

**Ron: Whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no, no, Harry and I are going to Quidditch try-outs.**

**Hermione: Quidditch! But you can't try out for Quidditch.** **My parents say that sports are bad for your teeth.**

"Well, I guess, but only if someone knocks them out…"

**Ron: I don't care.**

**Hermione: Why don't you try for an extracurricular activity that's intellectually stimulating and teeth friendly? We can try out for Wizard Chess Club or Wizard Debate.**

"Hogwarts doesn't have a Wizard Chess Club or Wizard Debate," Hermione stated. "But it's a great idea. Professor Dumbledore, do you think we could make one?"

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled. "Perhaps we could, Miss Granger."

**Harry: Okay, listen, why don't you go do that lame, boring stuff and Ron and I will do the fun, dangerous stuff?**

"Nope," Harry said, popping the 'p'. "Hermione does all the fun, dangerous stuff too."

**Hermione: Yeah or we could do something together.**

"As usual."

**Ron: No, Herman, we can't because Harry and I want to have fun and get girlfriends**

Hermione turned towards Ron, an eyebrow raised. "Was it necessary to make that gesture?"

"No," Ron said in a small voice.

"I never want to see you do it again. Got that?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Good."

Hermione turned back to the screen, a smile twitching at the corners of her mouth while everyone else tried to stifle their laughter.

**And we can't do that with you just sagging along all the time. So, why don't you go hang out with Moaning Myrtle?**

**Hermione: Because she thinks I'm annoying!** **You know maybe I'll just try out for Quidditch. It's not like you can kick me off the field.**

"Actually…"

**Remus: Ah ha, puked my guts out, hey guys who invited Boo Radley? -laughs-**

"Oh, I love _To Kill a Mockingbird_!" Hermione exclaimed. "It's one of my favorite books."

"I read that book before Hogwarts for a school project," Harry commented. "I found it pretty pointless."

Hermione's eyes flashed and everyone quickly turned back to the screen before she could start a rant on _To Kill a Mockingbird_ and how it did_ too_ have a point.

**Get the hell off the field, Herman. I'm not kidding! Beat it. Alright, guys, who's ready to win the House Cup?** **That's what I like to hear. So, what've we got here? Quidditch, the most ancient and silliest of all Wizarding sports, some of you may know the Gryffindor Pee-wee Team hasn't won a match in 14 years.** **But I think with me as your coach and you little stallions as my team, there's no way we're losing to Slytherin or Ravenclaw or Jigglypuff.**

"What is Jigglypuff and why does it sound so stupid?" Malfoy asked.

"It's a Pokemon," Harry said. Everyone stared and he hurriedly added. "Dudley got a new game over the summer called Pokemon. It's just come out. They're these funny looking creatures. Jigglypuff is one of them."

"Oh, that's right," Hermione said. "My neighbor's son got a game like that. He wouldn't put it down because it was so much fun. Personally, I don't see the appeal."

"Yeah, it does look pretty stupid."

**Alright, so, who here has ever played Quidditch before huh?**

"Well, we're pathetic."

**That's okay, that's okay, ah how about riding a broom? Has anyone ever ridden a broom before?**

**Ron: Oh no, just stretching.**

"Wait, but I have!"

**Remus: Alright, uh, has anyone ever thrown or caught a ball before?**

**Neville: Something thrown at me once.**

"Neville is made fun of a lot in these musicals."

**Harry: Yeah it was.**

**Ron: Woo!**

Hermione glared at the two other members of the Golden Trio.

**Remus: Take what you can get. Thomas, Finnegan, let's go.**

**Seamus: At your service, governor.**

"The accent. It's killing me."

**Dean: Yo, what up, boss?**

**Remus: Alright guys, I want you to take these and practice hitting each other with them okay? You guys are the Beaters.**

**Dean: Is this right? –he hits Seamus in stomach, who falls to the ground-**

"Ouch. Those things hurt."

**Remus: Yes Dean, that's good. That's very good. Ron, you're Keeper. –doesn't catch the ball-**

"Nice one, Ron."

**Harry, Harry.**

**Harry: Yeah, Coach?**

**Remus: Listen Harry, you're really the most important, okay? You see this thing, it's called a Snitch. Now, during the game it's going to sprout wings and fly all over this giant stadium and it's your job to catch it.**

"Easy."

**Harry: That sounds easy enough.**

**Remus: You're the Seeker Harry, just like your dad.**

"My dad was a Seeker?" Harry looked happy.

"Nope, he was a Chaser," Sirius said. "In case you wanted to know, I was a Beater, Remus was commentator, and Wormtail just couldn't do anything, the worthless piece of sh-"

"Wait, hold on," George held up a hand before Sirius could finish. "You-" he pointed at Sirius.

"-were a Beater?" Fred finished.

Sirius grinned. "Only the best Beater Hogwarts has ever known."

Fred and George glanced at each other. "We won't even bother correcting that statement."

"You can't possibly be better than me," Sirius scoffed.

"Oh, I don't know, Sirius," Remus smiled. "I think these boys could beat even you."

"WHAT!?" Sirius exclaimed. "Impossible!"

"Can we not discuss your Quidditch standings now?" Snape growled. "I want to get this thing over with."

"Sour Grape," Sirius muttered. Snape glared.

**Harry: You knew my dad?**

**Remus: Yeah I knew him, he and I used to play Quidditch together.** **I don't know if you know this Harry, but I was your dad's best friend.**

"Wrong, that would be Sirius." Remus corrected.

Sirius laughed. "Nah, we were all best friends. Except for the rat."

**Harry: I thought the traitor Sirius Black was my dad's best friend.**

**Remus: No, who told you this; did your dad tell you?**

"And he would have told me when exactly?"

**Harry: Well, I didn't get a chance to talk to him after he died.**

**Remus: Good, it's probably just hearsay.** **Alright, let's play some Quidditch. Get on a broom, Harry get on that broom there and make my best friend proud.**

"He would have been very proud to see you playing Quidditch, Harry," Sirius said. Harry beamed at him.

**Snape: Hey, who's that? Hagrid?**

**Remus: No, it's not Hagrid-Snape! What are you even doing here? Gryffindor has the field today, I reserved it weeks ago.**

"Second year flashback," Harry said. "All we need now are slugs."

Ron scowled and Hermione smiled.

**Snape: Not according to my schedule, Slythereen has the field so that we can train our new Seeker, Draco Malfoy.**

"Whoa."

"Nice one, Malfoy."

**Remus: Alright, listen that is impossible, okay? I got a slip from Dumbledore maybe he, maybe he accidently signed the field out to both of us.**

**Snape: That's absurd!**

**Remus: Hey! You're absurd!**

"I can see where this is headed."

**Snape: What? Say that again to my face.**

**Remus: You're absurd!**

**Snape: That's absurd!**

"Yep. They went there."

**Remus: Ah!**

**Snape: Ah! Let's see this slip from Dumbledore, if it does exist.**

**Remus: Fine, I've got it right here. MEOW!**

"Crookshanks!"

**Keep that, keep that thing out my thing, okay?**

**Hermione: I'm sorry.**

**Remus: What was I even doing? Ah, alright here.**

"More flashbacks."

"Last time though, it was Oliver and Flint, with a note from Snape."

**Snape: Why, this is preposterous! I demand to see Dumbledore at once.**

**Remus: Fine, let's go.**

**Snape: Alright let's go.**

**Harry: Well, it's gonna be a while so I might as well take this time to pull out a funky tune.**

"What is with these people and the word funky?"

"Don't know, don't care. Next scene!"

**Please Review!**


	9. Act 1 Scene 8

**AAAAAAAAAAAHHH! OVER 100 REVIEWS! OMG I LOVE YOU NINJAS. DO YOU FEEL THAT? THAT'S ME. I'M GIVING YOU ALL VIRTUAL HUGS RIGHT NOW. BECAUSE YOU ARE AMAZING PEOPLE. (ugh, stupid FF won't let me add more than one exclamation point, so pretend there's like, ten or something, mmkay?)**

**Seriously though, you guys are incredible :) I get on FF, see the reviews and then I start flipping out and thanking my computer. THANK YOU SOSOSOSOSOSOSOSO MUCH FOR YOUR REVIEWS/FAVORITES/ALERTS.**

**Oh, and I finished Doctor Who up to Season 6. I just need to find a place to watch the first half of Season 7, cause Netflix doesn't have that. **

**One of you asked if I had read AVPSY, I think. The answer is yes. I read it and it was totally awesome :D**

**Disclaimer: Some of my favorite AVPS songs are 'Hermione Can't Draw' and 'The Coolest Girl', but I still don't own them. Or Starkid in general. Or Harry Potter.**

* * *

Act 1 Scene 8

**Draco: Hey…Potter. Hey, Potter. Potter, Potter.**

"Quit saying my name so much."

"It's not me, Potter. These stupid muggles are the ones doing it."

**Harry: What, Malfoy?**

**Draco: I drew a picture of you.**

"What?"

"Weirdo."

**Harry: Okay?**

**Draco: You see what's happening to you in it? It's you getting hit in the head with a Quaffle.**

"Amazing," Harry rolled his eyes. "Almost as great as the one from third year."

"Shut up, Potter."

**Goyle: -laughs-**

**Draco: Don't you feel foolish?** **Look, that's me. That one, that's me and I'm in the background laughing and pointing at you. We're having a right good time aren't we? Pay special attention to the shading on your sweater. It's rather good.**

"It is very nice…"

**It's actually quite good. It's probably—it's probably the best I've ever done. Actually, can I have that back? Wait, no, I'm taking it!** **What do you think of that Potter huh? I've stolen your favorite drawing, right.**

"I really doubt it's my favorite drawing."

**Look, what do you think of this, no. –rips the paper-** **Goyle, paste it! Now look what you've done Potter! You wait till my father hears about this.**

"Ah, the famous Draco Malfoy line."

Malfoy glared at Harry.

**He'll say, 'Draco, you goddamn little poofer, why don't you stop your whining and learn to use the potty like a normal human?' And then, he will pull down my diaper and scold me for the mess I've made in it and spank my cheeks as red as cherries.**

Everyone started to laugh. Really hard. Like so hard that Fred and George started to roll on the floor.

**Harry: That really sucks Malfoy, but I just can't believe you still wear a diaper.**

**Draco: All respectable wizards do. How do you expect me to use a potty? I could fall into that monstrosity.**

Everyone laughed again, except for Draco, who was glaring eat the screen.

**At least, I can draw.**

**Hermione: You know what Malfoy, leave Harry alone. I mean, it's not like that drawing's that good.**

"But it is good!"

"I know! Did you see that shading?"

**Draco: Not. That. Good? Let's see you try to draw something better you little Mudblood?**

The Gryffindors glared at Malfoy, who smirked.

**Ron: Hey!** **Yeah Herman, let's see you draw something right now in front of everyone!**

Ron's jaw dropped. "I can't believe I didn't say anything about the M word!"

**Harry: Guys, guys, stop it! This is no way to go about this. Okay? I got just the thing. (singing) Hermione can't draw…**

**Students: Hermione can't draw, Hermione cannot draw! She only reads books and she cannot draw, even if she's reading a 'How to Draw' book. Hermione can't draw, Hermione can't draw, Hermione cannot draw.**

"Are you kidding me?!"

"Well…"

Smack.

"Sorry, Hermione."

"You better be, Ronald Weasley."

**Remus: I screwed up, Slytherin got the field—what the hell's going on here? Stop dancing, guys stop. Hey, this song isn't even that funny.**

**Ron: Oh yeah? Let's see you sing something, right now, in front of everyone.**

Sirius started to laugh and Remus looked embarrassed.

"What?" Harry asked curiously.

"Oh, nothing, nothing…just a sixth year flashback."

**Students: Lupin can't sing, Lupin can't sing**

**Remus: I don't have to sing for you.**

**Students: Lupin cannot sing. **

**Remus: Yes, I can sing.**

"Yes. Yes you can," Sirius grinned.

Remus smacked him.

**Students: He only reads books and cannot sing. **

**Remus: I'm Remus Freakin…alright!**

**Students: Even if he's reading a "How to Sing" book.**

**Remus: Alright, alright, guys. Guys! Remember how Hermione can't draw!**

"Thanks, Remus," Hermione rolled her eyes. Remus looked sheepish.

**Students: Hermione can't draw, Hermione can't draw, Hermione cannot draw. She only reads books and she cannot draw, even if she's reading a "How to Draw" book. Hermione can't draw, Hermione can't draw, Hermione cannot draw.**

"That song is so catchy," Ginny smiled teasingly at Hermione, who scowled.

**Remus: Follow me!**

**Snape: Granger, don't you have somewhere else to be?**

**Ron: Yeah! -high-fives Snape-**

"I would never high-five Snape."

**Hermione: Do I have somewhere to be? No. **

"Poor musical you," Ginny patted Hermione's shoulder sympathetically.

"And Crookshanks." Hermione said. "I just threw him out a window, I think."

**(singing) All my dreams, I'm chasing after. They don't need all this laughter. I take a grain of salt, a stiff upper lip, it's not their fault I'm not as hip. Wake up kid; you know you're more than this. I'm the smartest person that I've ever met, so why do I allow myself to possibly forget? There's so much more I know how to do, so much more than all of you.**

"So true."

**The only thing I wish I knew was how to make them see the girl that I can be. I am the coolest girl in the whole wide world! I know it but I can't show it at all. I am sick and tired of low, not higher. This is where I should belong. It's about time I prove them wrong. Give me a shot, to show what I've got. I'm a helluva whole lot more then this frizzy hair, these frumpy clothes I wear, though I rock them like nobody you've seen before!**

Ron nodded and Hermione blushed.

**Cause I am the coolest girl in the whole wide world. I know it, below it all. I am done with losing, on with choosing. The coolest girl on the face of the planet, the coolest bitch on the earth, goddamn it!**

"Also true."

**The coolest chick you've ever seen or heard, so you can try to bring me down, but sorry guys I'm sticking around. I've thought about it and I've found that I am the coolest girl, yeah!**

"That was great," Harry said.

"I loved Hermione's song. Now all we need is for Ron to have a solo and the entire Trio will have had their own song." Ginny said cheerfully.

"Hermione," Fred started seriously. "We are going to take 'Hermione Can't Draw'-"

"-and sell it. You can have some credit, of course." George continued.

"And maybe some of the sal-"

Fred was cut off by a pillow to the face.

"Okay then…nevermind…"

Hermione smiled triumphantly.

**Please Review!**


	10. Act 1 Scene 9

**AVPSY! OMR WHO WATCHED IT? WHO LOVED IT? WHO ELSE CRIED AT THE END?**

**Ahem. Anywho, I watched it, loved it, and cried at the end. I also have a new poll on my profile about this story's sequel. Go vote!**

**Also, I'm sorry if this chapter sucks. I'm not in a very funny mood this morning. (Thanks a lot Cartoon Network. Young Justice just killed me this morning. I can't believe you killed my favorite character.)**

**OKAY! THANKS FOR ALL YOUR REVIEWS, NINJAS.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Starkid's musicals or JKR's amazing books. **

* * *

Act 1 Scene 9

**Snape: Attention all Hogwarts students! In celebration of All Hollow's Eve, we'll be taking a field trip to Hogsmeade. Please go out to the courtyard with your signed Hogsmeade permission form. Students without their permission form will be killed, but they won't be allowed to go. It'll be a whole load of fun.**

"Uh…that seems a little extreme."

"Duh, Ron. It's Snape."

**Draco: You know Goyle, using the potty's not so bad.**

Malfoy groaned as the Gryffindors snickered.

**I don't know why I was afraid of it all those years. I think I was concerned about falling in but I have found that if I climb on top of the potty, right, and I put one foot on either side of the potty hole rim and get a firm holding, I'm actually quite safe.**

"Oh my God, Malfoy!" Harry said through his laughter. Malfoy was slowly turning red. Whether it was from embarrassment or anger, no one could tell.

"Damn those Muggles," he muttered.

**And you know using the potty's a great time to socialize?**

Everyone except for Malfoy laughed even harder. Even Snape was smiling a bit.

**You simply, you look over to the stall next to you and you have a right chat with your neighbor!** **Oh, hello there good sir! First time using the potty too, eh? Good luck, my man. And then simply squat, like so, and I do my business in my diaper as usual, and then I undo the side latches and simply let the diaper fall into the potty.** **Yes, Father will hear of this.**

Hermione facepalmed. "You failed and potty training, Malfoy."

**Umbridge: Permission form to Hogsmeade? Welcome to Hogsmeade. Permission form to Hogsmeade? Have fun in Hogsmeade. Permission form to Hogsmeade?**

**Harry: Uh no, I'm Harry Potter.**

"That doesn't work," Harry grumbled. Ron patted him on the back sympathetically.

"Well, you went anyways, right?"

Harry glared at Ron when Snape turned towards the two. Ron winced.

"So you did go that first day?" Snape's eyes narrowed. "How, exactly, did you manage this?"

"Uh…look! Umbridge is talking!"

**Umbridge: Hehe dur dur dur dur dur! I'm sorry; I didn't realize that I was in the presence of royalty.**

"Potter? Royalty? As if," Malfoy snorted.

"Well…" Sirius said thoughtfully. "Technically, Potters aren't _royalty_, but I'm pretty sure that in the Wizarding World, being a pureblood is basically royalty." He made a face. "And Potters can be traced back pretty far." He tapped his chin in thought. "I think they're even related to the Peverells."

Dumbledore paled slightly, but no one noticed because Hermione was bouncing in excitement.

"Who are the Peverells?"

Sirius waved the question away. "Just an old family. Don't worry about it, it's probably unimportant."

**Harry: Oh, that's okay.**

**Umbridge: Oh my God, everybody look, it's Harry Freakin' Potter!**

**Everyone: Yay!**

**Umbridge: Oh my god, he is so dreamy and he's so rich and famous.**

"I'm going to barf. I do not want to hear those words from Umbridge's mouth ever again."

**Mr. Potter! Mr. Potter, would you play me a little song on your guitar? Oh wait, Mr. Potter, Mr. Potter, will you sign my boob? Oh right over here.**

Harry looked green as everyone else in the room laughed.

**Harry: Is this—oh! -Umbridge has him in a head-lock-**

**Umbridge: I wonder what would happen if I just broke your fingers because then you wouldn't be able to play the guitar anymore and then all your little friends would just leave you alone and then you'd be just like Umbridge. Except Umbridge can kick your ass. Now you're a rule breaker Potter, and it's time for your punishment.**

Harry glanced at the scar on his hand. _I must not tell lies._

**Harry: What punishment?**

**Umbridge: Oh, it's nothing too bad. You just have to take this knife, -pulls out a knife- put it upright on a chair, and sit on it Potsy!**

**Neville: Excuse me, ma'am?**

Harry sighed in relief. "Thank Merlin for Neville."

**Umbridge: Who's disrespecting Umbridge? You wanna die Shlongbottom?**

**Neville: No ma'am, I just came to delivery these. -holds out flowers-**

"Please tell me those aren't from who I think they are."

**Umbridge: What are those? Speak boy!**

**Neville: F-Flowers f-f-for you.**

"Um, duh." Ginny rolled her eyes.

**Umbridge: F-f-flowers f-f-for me? This must be some kind of mistake.**

**Neville: N-n-no mistake ma'am, I was told explicitly to bring them to you.**

**Umbridge: Put them on the ground and back away quickly.** **They don't seem explosive or poisonous.**

"They're _flowers_."

**They smell absolutely delightful and their snapdragons. Oh my God, these are my favorite. Who could have known that?**

**Neville: Why don't you read the card, ma'am.**

**Umbridge: Okay, little boy! It says, Dear Umbridge—that's me—I thought you might like these, cutie. Oh my.**

"Wait for it…"

**Neville: Might I ask who this gentleman caller is?**

**Umbridge: Sure! It's signed Big D.**

"And there it is." Fred looked smug.

"Big D is most likely Dumbledore then." George said.

**I wonder who that could be. Thank you, little boy.**

**Neville: WHOA! -runs away as Umbridge trys to hug him.-**

**Umbridge: Oh, Potter, um, what was I saying again?**

**Harry: You were telling me to sit on a knife.**

"Wow, self. That was very smart of you."

**Umbridge: Oh! That's right. How silly of me, well, it sounds like your mama got a little bit carried away with herself, but she's not an unreasonable mama. In fact, she's pretty cool, right? Right, so what do you girls say we all go on down to Hogsmeade and have a little bit of fun huh? Hogsmeade! Hogsmeade everyone! Have fun in Hogsmeade, have fun in to Hogsmeade, have fun in Hogsmeade, have fun in Hogsmeade, have fun in Hogsmeade—not you Potter. You still need a permission form.**

"I know that."

**Ron: Well, I'll tell you all about it. It's probably gonna suck. -runs away-**

"It didn't suck," Ron protested.

**Harry: Bye, Ron. What's the matter Malfoy? You're not going to Hogsmeade?**

**Draco: Certainly not, it's beneath my dignity.**

**Harry: Whatever.**

**Draco: -lays down with paper and crayons- Dear Papa, I'm writing to enquire about my Hogsmeade permission form.**

"Aw, poor Malfoy." Ron said sarcastically.

"Why won't his daddy send him whatever he wants?" Harry grinned towards a scowling Malfoy.

**I sent it to you on the very first day of school and I'm anxiously awaiting its return with your signature on it, but don't rush, Daddy! Missing out on trips like this allows me more time to write letters to you.**

"That's sweet," Ginny smiled.

**Yes, things at Hogwarts are going quite swimmingly. I'm the most popular boy at school, why, even Harry Potter likes me.**

"Fat chance."

**I'm also the darling of every classroom and the favorite of every professor who has any sense.**

"So only Snape has sense?"

**Oh, and most importantly I have mastered the use of the potty. Yes, I admit I was a late bloomer but you can imagine my pride as I strode into Charms class and said, "Oh, hello gents! Professor Flitwick, sorry for my tardiness, I was just learning how to use the potty." Oh how the children laughed with me in celebration. I like making people laugh. I also like the potty. I know you haven't done so all year but you can feel free to write me anytime. Hugs and Butterfly Kisses, Your Draco.**

"I am so signing my letters like that now," Ginny grinned as Malfoy fumed.

**Oh P.S., tell Mama to bugger off.**

Malfoy frowned.

**Hedwig: Hoot, hoot! Seamus Finnigan! Letter for Seamus Finnigan!**

"Is that Hedwig?" Ron asked.

"No way!" Harry replied. "Hedwig isn't a school bird."

"What makes you think she's a school bird?"

"She said 'Letter for Seamus Finnigan'."

"Oh, yeah."

**Draco: Hey, you there, bird.**

**Hedwig: Yes, Malfoy?**

**Draco: So you have anything in there for me? Perhaps from my Daddy?**

**Hedwig: Oh let me see here. Hmmm…nope, sorry kid. Nothing here from Lucius Malfoy. Hey, cheer up kid, do you want a Toys R Us catalog?**

"What is that?" Malfoy questioned.

"A Muggle toy store." Hermione answered carefully.

Malfoy just nodded and turned back to the screen. Hermione looked faintly surprised that he hadn't sneered and said some sarcastic comment back at her.

**Draco: No, I just want to know why my Daddy won't write.**

**Hedwig: Listen kid, I don't have all the answers. I don't even know why I can talk really.**

"Neither do I," Harry said.

**But as another talking animal once said, "All fathers care for their sons." So hang in there, okay?**

**Draco: Okay. Goodbye Hedwig.**

Harry gaped at the screen. "Hedwig isn't a school bird!"

**Hedwig: Goodbye.**

**Remus: Hey, Harry. Harry Potter, wanna go to Hogsmeade or not?**

**Harry: More than anything.**

**Remus: Feast your eyes on this, the Marauder's Map.**

Harry grinned. The twins looked put out.

"Hey!" Fred protested.

"We gave you that!" George finished.

Remus chuckled. "And I'm the one who took it."

The twins stared at Remus. "What?!"

"Maybe I'll tell you that story some other time."

**Harry: What?**

**Remus: It shows the current location of everyone inside Hogwarts and also has all the secret passages out of the castle. Here, take it.**

**Harry: Who made this thing?**

**Remus: Well, I certainly helped. No, but it was me, your dad, some other guy and Sirius Black.**

"Messers. Moony," Remus started.

"Wormtail," Ron muttered hatefully.

"Padfoot," Sirius grinned, though it looked a bit strained at the mention of Wormtail.

"And Prongs," Harry smiled, thinking of his father.

"Purveyors of Aids to Magical Mischief-Makers," Fred continued.

"Are proud to present," George spread his arms out dramatically.

"The Marauder's Map." The finished in unison. Everyone else in the room just stared at them weirdly.

"You guys are freaks," Ginny said. She then turned back to the screen as the boys pouted.

**Harry: You mean my dad's traitor best friend?**

**Remus: No, no! I am your dad's traitor best friend. I'm your dad's traitor. No! I am your dad's best friend, okay? Don't forget it.**

"Smooth, Remus."

**Snape: Hey Lupin, want to go look at the full moon with me? Haha zombie…**

"Of course, it would be Snape."

**Remus: Snape! Alright, Harry, I gotta go. Listen, just stay out of the Shrieking Shack okay? I'm a werewolf in there.**

Remus smacked his forehead. "Did I really just tell him that?"

**Harry: Wait, what?**

"I know. That was really stupid."

"Well…time for the next one!"

**Please Review!**


	11. Act 1 Scene 10

**Sorry this wasn't posted yesterday, my computer was acting all screwy. And when I finally uploaded it all the bolding was gone, so I had to go redo that. Sorry if there are any mistakes in that.**

**Thanks for all of your amazing reviews, ninjas! I'm glad you all like my writing so much :)**

**Disclaimer: OHMYROWLING, quit bothering me about this, Internet. I'm working on getting the rights, okay? It just...takes time. But for now, I don't own HP or Starkid.**

* * *

Act 1 Scene 10

**Umbridge: Alright chil'ren, have fun in Hogsmeade. Oh, and don't get killed by Sirius Black.**

"I wouldn't kill them," Sirius grumbled.

**Whew, Mama sure does have some mischievous little scamps, doesn't she Big D?**

**Dumbledore: In case you were wondering, the D stands for my wiener.**

Everyone in the room looked disgusted.

"Oh, that's just gross."

**Umbridge: Dumbledore? You sent me the snapdragons didn't you?**

**Dumbledore: Oh yeah.**

**Umbridge: That was so sweet.**

"I think I'm going to be sick," said Malfoy, looking a tad green in the face.

**Dumbledore: Well I am the Headmaster. It's my job to make all the faculty at Hogwarts feel at home. So what do you say Umbridge? How about we hop on a good foot and head down to the Three Broomsticks and I will treat you to a traditional Welcome-to-Hogwarts body shot?**

The students paled.

"Please tell me that those don't actually exist!" Ginny begged.

"Of course not," Snape said smoothly. "The mere idea of such a thing going on at Hogwarts is preposterous."

The students sighed in relief.

**Umbridge: Dumbledore! Do you really do body shots off of all the new teachers?**

**Dumbledore: Only the handsome ones.**

Harry covered his eyes with his hands. "I can't watch. Tell me when it's over." But he peeked through his fingers anyway.

**Umbridge: -gasp- Dumbledore, you're making me blush.**

**Dumbledore: Oh yeah? (singing) I bet that you're the one who gets all of the boys to buy you things.**

"Absolutely not," Remus said vehemently, shaking his head.

**Umbridge: (singing) I'm sure that you've got all the girls to beg you for their wedding rings.**

Dumbledore smiled serenely and shook his head, though no one noticed.

**Dumbledore: What? I like your twisted humor!**

**Umbridge: I like you mystic rumors.**

**Both: I'd say we can assume we're gonna get along.**

**Umbridge: You're not like average Joe's or Jim's or Tim's or John's.**

"Well, yes," Ron said obliviously. "His name's Albus."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Ron, it's an expression."

Ginny was looking at the paper with the actor's names again. "They should have said Dylan. That's the guy who plays Dumbledore's real name."

"It would have been funnier for the fans," Harry agreed.

**Dumbledore: And I'd wager that you'd never run from danger with those muscles made of bronze. I can safely shout, without a doubt, that it won't take very long...**

**Both: Before we're getting, and not regretting, ever setting on getting along!**

**Dumbledore: Oh, right this way Umbridge.**

**Umbridge: Oh my! What a fancy place.**

**Waiter: Oh, look at these strapping young gentlemen. What'll it be Dumbledore?**

**Dumbledore: Just the Welcome-to-Hogwarts special.**

**Waiter: Ah! Two body shots coming right up.**

"Oh my Godric, the waiter makes it sound like it's a regular occurrence." Sirius said, gaoing at the screen.

**Umbridge: Dumbledore, this is so crazy.**

**Dumbledore: Oh I'm full of crazy ideas. Oh hey, by the way Umbridge, have you ever tried Gillyweed? We can have some of this and take a dip in our hidden swimming pool.**

"We should ask the Room of Requirement for one of those," Harry mused.

**Umbridge: Hidden swimming pool, where's that?**

**Dumbledore: On Cloud 9, baby. On Cloud 9! Ah ha!**

"Did Dumbledore just smack Umbridge's ass?" Ron gaped at the screen.

"I'm scarred for life. Again." Harry said in a small voice.

**Dumbledore: You are a beautiful sample, for example my gosh, you're so strong! What's the matter with me?**

**Umbridge: Oh, you're just flattering me!**

**Both: Oh, how we're both just getting along.**

**Umbridge: I've never felt this way before…**

"Oh Merlin…"

**Dumbledore: Felt how?**

**Umbridge: Um, intimidated?**

The room's occupants looked a bit relieved.

"Well, I think everybody's at least a little intimidated by Dumbledore," Fred started.

"So she's at least a little bit normal-ish, I guess," George finished.

**Umbridge: You have such prominence and poise!**

**Dumbledore: Oh that old thing! Baby, it's just me Dumbledore. So just try to relax, face the facts-you'll feel just like one of the boys!**

**Umbridge: One of the boys? I do?**

**Dumbledore: Oh you sure do baby! Ha-ha!**

**Umbridge: Dumbledore! Yes sir, you're the one professor that'd I'd want detention from.**

Now everyone in the room was looking green at what Umbridge had just insinuated.

**Dumbledore: Umbridge, you're the handsome wizard that'd I'd want an extension from!**

**Umbridge: And you'd get it too.**

**Dumbledore: I'll get the door.**

**Umbridge: Oh, you'll get much more…**

The students looked horrified.

**Both: Either way we can't go wrong, with how shamelessly and how famously we're both just getting along.**

**Umbridge: Dumbledore, before we go any further, there's a confession I want to make.**

**Dumbledore: Oh yeah?**

**Umbridge: I've never been with a man before.**

"No man would want to."

**Dumbledore: Oh you're first time with a man can be very scary. Mine certainly was, but Grindelwald just took my hand and said, "Relax Dumby, we cool and go with the flow. You know?"**

"Grindelwald?" Hermione said, staring wide-eyed at the screen. "As in that Dark Wizard you defeated, sir?"

"Yes, Miss Granger, that's the one," Dumbledore replied, a small frown on his face.

**Umbridge: Dumbledore, you know just what to say to make me feel magical. Most guys don't understand me at all.**

**Dumbledore: Well, uh, I think we understand each other perfectly, Mr. Umbridge.**

**Both: Oh, we'd be get-get-getting, we'll be get-get-getting, getting ALONG!**

"Musical Dumbledore really needs to learn that Umbridge is a woman. This is getting seriously creepy," Harry said. "And don't even think of making a joke out of that," he added when he saw Sirius open his mouth.

"Eh, at least it'll give us a few laughs," Ginny shrugged. "Next scene!"

**Please Review!**


	12. Act 1 Scene 11

**First of all, I'm so sorry I didn't update last weekend. But I have good reasons! I was piled with homework since we had a half day on Thursday, when I get out for spring break, so no time to write. And I spent Thursday afternoon running around preparing for WonderCon and then all of Friday and Saturday WAS WonderCon, and I didn't get home until late those days. Sunday I slept in, went to church, and then straight to a party, resulting zero writing time (also I forgot). THEN I went on a surprise trip to Sacramento cause my dad had work to do, and even though I brought my laptop, the was NO TIME TO WRITE. Didn't get to back home till late again, so I've only just gotten the chance to write now. Gods...that was a way too long explanation.**

**Second of all, this story is now my most reviewed! It surpassed WAVPM and I flipped when I saw. THANKS NINJAS!**

**Last but not least, you will now get four straight days of updating. Tomorrow's is what was supposed to be Easter's, day after that is an apology chapter (and because of Fred and George's birthday last Monday) and then it's Saturday, regular updating day. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything recognizable.**

* * *

Act 1 Scene 11

**Seamus: So, you guys ever hear the one about Sirius Black and Flitwick's little brother?**

"I didn't even know Flitwick had a little brother…" Sirius looked confused.

"He doesn't, I assure you," said Dumbledore.

**So, Flitwick's little brother is walking down the streets of London and Sirius Black, he's in this storm drain, dressed as a clown and he's like, "Yo, hey Flitwick's little brother, down here in this storm drain, it's me, a clown."**

Remus started laughing. Snape smirked. Sirius scowled.

"What?" Harry asked.

"One time Sirius dressed up as a clown for a prank and he—" Remus was interrupted by a pillow in the face, courtesy of Sirius.

"Don't. Even." he growled. Remus just shook his head and chuckled before settling back into his seat, leaving everyone else in the room even more curious than before, though it was obvious no one was going to tell.

**And Flitwick's little brother is like, "Yeah chap, what you want?" And Sirius Black is like, "Oh, Flitwick's little brother, you've gotta get down here in this storm drain with me cause you're missing out! We've got a carnival down here. We've got loads of cotton candy and balloons." And the kid practically flips." He goes, "I gotta get down there. That sounds like a right treat that does!"**

"Does this story have a point?"

**So, he reaches down his arm, right, but Sirius Black, he grows these mad teeth AND HE BITES THE KID'S HEAD OFF!**

Everyone burst out laughing as they visualized the scene.

**And two days later, that kid died.**

"He should have died immediately, not two days later," Hermione corrected, rolling her eyes as she did so.

"Yes, Hermione, we know," Fred started.

"-but having him die two days later just makes this story so much better!" George finished.

**Dean: Man that is the biggest piece of bullshit I ever heard.**

"I agree with Dean, that story was terrible," Sirius said. "I wouldn't bite a kid's head off. I'd bite his arms off first. Duh."

**Cho: I think that's pretty scary, but have y'all ever heard of the Shrieking Shack?**

Sirius grinned and nudged Remus's leg, which was closest to him (Sirius is sitting on the floor after all). Remus rolled his eyes.

**Ron: The Shrieking Shack? My brother Fred says it's -gulp- haunted.**

"Nope," Ron said, popping the 'p'.

**Cho: That's right. It's the most haunted place in all of Great Britain and it's right over yonder.**

**Dean: Nah, man, I hear they've got monsters up in there.**

"No, only one was ever there," Remus said softly. Harry and Sirius frowned at him.

**Seamus: Yeah, Oliver Wood lost a Quaffle in there once. He went in to get it…AND HE NEVER CAME OUT!**

"No way," Fred shook his head.

"Oliver on a Quaffle hunt always comes back," George said, shuddering at a memory of one such time.

"That was a scary day for us all," Harry agreed.

Everyone else in the room ignored the three.

**Cho: Why don't we go check it out?**

**Seamus: Are you nuts! No!**

**Cho: Come on, y'all are Gryffindors. Where's your sense of Halloween adventure?**

Harry groaned. "I don't want any more Halloween adventures."

**Ron: I got a right mind to stay out of that place on Halloween.**

**Cho: Okay, how's about this? I will give a big, fat kiss to whoever's brave enough to go up there and ring the doorbell. Anyone?**

"No. Not that great a prize," Harry said.

**Hermione: I'll do it.**

**Ron: Herman?**

**Hermione: I'm not afraid of the Shrieking Shack. Everything I've ever read tells me those urban legends are just old wives' tales.**

"Er, no, not really."

**Cho: Yeah, but see here's the thing, I'm not kissing you Herman.**

Hermione looked repulsed. "I wouldn't want to kiss her either."

**Hermione: I don't want a kiss from you Cho. I want something better.**

**Seamus: Better than a kiss from Cho Chang?**

**Hermione: I want you to carry my books for the rest of the semester.**

**Students: Oooohh.**

"Wow that is such a big deal!" Ginny mock squealed.

**Cho: Okay, well, if we are raising the stakes, then ringing the bell just won't do. You have to go in there and draw us a picture of the monster.**

**Hermione: What, but you know that I can't draw…without a pad of paper.**

"Someone will conveniently have a pad of paper now."

**Neville: It just so happens I have a sketch pad right here.**

"See?"

**Hermione: Well, this is useless without a pencil.**

"Now someone will give her something to draw with."

**Neville: Well, you're lucky I came so prepared.**

"See?"

"Yes, Ron we know. Now can you please quit interrupting?"

"Yes, Ginny."

**Hermione: Well, do I get a flashlight or something?**

**Cho: Lumos.**

"Clever," Harry commented.

"Um, what's a flashlight?" Malfoy asked.

Hermione glanced at him, surprised, before answering, "It's a portable light of sorts. I can't really explain it better than that."

"Oh. Okay."

**Seamus: I don't know, she can shine it up through the back of the paper and trace him.**

"I cannot. That's impossible."

**Cho: No tracing, Herman, I'll be able to tell.**

**Hermione: Alright! Well, here I go.**

**Ron: Oh Hermanin, Hermaninin, Hermaninino, wait-wait um, you don't have to do this. What's it gonna prove?**

"Quit messing with my name so much! It's not that hard to get right!"

**Hermione: That maybe somebody in this school cares about whether I live or die!**

**Cho: (singing) I wouldn't count on it.**

"Cho is kind of a jerk in this." Harry frowned.

"And a slut." Ginny added.

**[Howl]**

**Seamus: Bloody shit! What is that?**

"Seamus says bloody a lot," Sirius said.

"I know. Usually that's Ron's word."

"Oi!"

**Dean: Let's get out of here. -all but Ron run away; Harry walks in-**

**Harry: Whoa! Wait, what whoa, what's going on? What's going on?**

**Ron: Whoa, Herman went into the Shrieking Shack and the monster that lives in there is pissed.**

**Harry: Well, Ron, we've gotta go save her.**

"Harry saves everybody," Ginny said fondly. Harry's cheeks turned pink.

**Ron: But, Harry, she's-she's not even our friend.**

"She is too."

**Harry: Ron, come on man. Uh, Hermainee.**

**Harry: Hermanana.**

**Together: Hermanamoingo boingo oingo.**

**Ron: Hey your's was way better. Em a nema banana.**

**Harry: Hermono.**

**Ron: Hermononucleosis.**

"None of those were even remotely close to my name," Hermione huffed.

**Harry and Ron: AH!**

**Hermione: AH!**

**Harry: Oh, it's just Herman.**

**Ron: Herman, you're the monster?**

"Yes, Ron, I'm obviously the monster."

**[Growls]**

**Harry: Quick! We've gotta get out of here. There's another monster in here and this one's probably not as friendly.**

**Hermione: Oh good idea, let's go. Hey, what's this?**

**Ron: What's that?**

**Hermione: It's Lupin's brooch. But why is it in the Shrieking Shack?**

"First of all, I don't even own a brooch. Secondly, by the time you three made it into the Shrieking Shack, Hermione already knew what I was." said Remus.

**Harry: Yeah, especially when he told me to stay out of here.**

**Hermione: Yeah.**

**[Growls]**

**Ron: Harry…it's a…it's a…**

**The Trio: A VAMPIRE!**

Remus facepalmed as everyone burst out laughing. "Oh Godric."

**Hermione: Harry, what do we do?**

**Harry: I have my wand in my bag. Let's get it out.**

**Harry: Dammit! Ah! -cat is on Harry's hand-**

"That cat is everywhere."

"That's the point."

**Hermione: AAAH! Crookshanks!**

**Harry: You like this? You want this? -waves cat in front of werewolf- Then go get it!**

**Hermione Ah! No, no Crookshanks!**

"You are NOT feeding my cat to a werewolf, understand?" Hermione glared at Harry.

"Yes, Hermione," Harry said meekly.

Ron: Hurry, let's go while it's distracted.

"Well…that was a weird scene." Ron said.

"Aren't all of them?" Ginny answered. "But it wouldn't be as funny if it wasn't weird."

"I guess. Next video!"

**Please Review!**

**And check out the poll on my profile! It's about this story's sequel!**


	13. Act 1 Scene 12

**Over 150 reviews! Thanks ninjas! You guys are totally awesome :)**

**Since my A/N was so long yesterday I didn't mention it, but I watched Doctor Who Season 7! And the new episode. Both were great.**

**Also, please check out my friend AlexLovesDanHowell's first story Albus Severus and the Mist of Illusion! She's barely started it, but it's looking pretty good!**

**Disclaimer: This was supposed to be up on Easter, when I probably would have had an Easter related disclaimer. Now it's just a boring 'I don't own anything, please don't sue me.'**

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Act 1 Scene 12

**Harry: Let's go hide in the woods!**

"So after running away from a werewolf you decide to hide in the Forbidden Forest, which is probably even more dangerous?" Hermione raised an eyebrow. "Smart."

**Ron: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, that's the Forbidden Forest. All sorts of creepy creatures live in there.**

**Harry: It's either here or the Shrieking Shack. So let's go.**

"I'd prefer the Shrieking Shack," Harry said. "It's safer there than the forest."

**Ron: I can't believe we're going from the scariest place in the world to the scariest place in the world.**

**"The Shrieking Shack isn't the scariest place in the world. That's Azkaban," Sirius muttered darkly.**

**Harry: Uh, let's take cover behind this fallen tree here. -they all drop-**

"You didn't have to drop down so dramatically," Ginny said.

**You alright Herman?**

**Hermione: Yeah, I'm alright. Are you alright, Ron?**

**Ron: I will be…after a Redvine.**

"You know, the longer they keep mentioning Redvines, the more I'm going to want one," Harry commented.

"Me too," Hermione agreed.

A bag of Redvines flew out of the kitchen and onto the coffee table. Harry and Hermione glanced at each other before Harry reached for the bag and opened it. He handed one out to everybody before taking one for himself and placing the bag back on the table.

Ron was already reaching for another one.

**Harry: Listen, Hermono, what…why would you go into the Shrieking Shack if you knew there was a monster in there?** **Aren't you the one that's always telling us not to go out and do dangerous stuff and never have any kind of…**

**Hermione: Fun?**

"I have fun!"

**Harry: Yeah! Oh, yes.**

**Hermione: You know I just thought that if for once I did something crazy then maybe you guys would like me.**

"You don't have to do anything crazy to get us to like you Hermione," Ron slung an arm around said girl's shoulder.

"Yeah," Harry nodded in agreement.

Hermione smiled at them.

**Ron: Yeah, well, you thought wrong.**

**Harry: Okay, no, no, listen, Hermione…**

**Hermione: You said my name right.**

"Finally!"

**Harry: Just now? Did I? Herman-monster?**

**Hermione: That is close enough.**

"It is not!" Hermione said, frustrated.

**Harry: Listen, you don't need to pretend to be something you're not just to get people to like you. **

"Well said, Harry," Remus smiled over at him.

**I mean just look at me.**

**Hermione: Yeah, but you're Harry Potter.**

**Harry: Yes, but maybe in the Wizarding World, that's true. In the Muggle world, I'm just…I'm something called a douche bag.**

"What?"

**Hermione: A what?**

**Harry: A douche bag Herman. I play guitar when everyone just wants to hang out. I make weird covers of Disney songs.**

"Um…I don't get it," Ron looked confused.

"When do you ever get anything?" George asked teasingly. Ron glared.

"Well, the paper says that the actor, Darren Criss, does stuff like that," Ginny said.

"Since we don't know these people as well, I guess it's not as funny," Hermione said.

**Who does that?** **You see Muggles, they hate that shit. To them, I'm just a douche bag. I'm like, I don't know…Jesse McCartney? I'm like Jesse McCartney. I'm Jesse McCartney's douche.**

"Jesse McCartney?"

"It might be another one of those actors and singers that haven't become famous yet."

**Ron: I got a confession to make too. Back home, around my brothers, I'm kind of a douche bag too.** **I'm like Shia LeBeuof, the Prince Douche.**

"That's like, the third person this scene that I haven't heard of before."

**Harry: But hey, that's okay because at Hogwarts, it's okay to be who you are. It's cool to be unique. That's alright so hey, so maybe you're not very pretty like Cho Chang or you're not as fun as Ron.**

**Ron: Or cool, like Snape.**

Ron shook his head. Snape scowled.

**Harry: But you know what, you are smart like Hermione.** **And I for one would love to have a friend that could do my Ancient Runes essay.**

Hermione sighed. "Of course."

**Hermione: You mean it?**

**Harry: Yep 'cause it's due tomorrow.**

**Hermione: Harry, Ron! –they all hug- Come here.**

**Ron: Oh my god, you're so soft.**

Ron started to grin. "Nice skin, huh? Wouldn't you agree, Harry?"

Harry picked up a pillow and smacked Ron with it.

**Harry: Thanks!**

"Not you, stupid."

**Hermione: You guys really like me?**

**Harry: Well, there's just some things in life you can't go through without becoming friends afterwards. Mainly one of them being chased by a 12-foot vampire.**

**[Growls]**

**Ron: Whoa!**

**Harry: AH! Oh we're dead as shit. We're dead!**

**Ron: I regret nothing.**

**Hermione: I'm in love with you both!**

"Am not!" Hermione shrieked.

Fred and George grinned. "Yeah, she's in love with only one of you. Not both."

Ron frowned and Hermione turned pink.

**[Neigh]**

**Firenze: None shall harm Harry Potter whilst I still draw breath. Get back, back you cowardly thing. Run you creature of the night and know that these woods belong to the centaurs and their kin.** **Do not worry Harry Potter and co. The beast is gone. -they bow to him-**

"Are you supposed to bow to centaurs?" Harry panicked. "I've never done that!"

**Harry: Who are you?**

**Firenze: Rise, call me Firenze. It, in the centaur tongue, means friend.**

**Harry: Thank you. How did you know-**

**Firenze: Know to save you? The leader of my tribe is a wise and powerful being. He has seen the future and thus charged the centaurs with your protection Harry.**

"I wonder who it is…"

**For you are destined for great things. -Ron pets him-**

"You are so weird, Ron."

"Thanks, Ginny."

**Hermione: I know that the centaurs were close to extinct but I never thought I'd get to see one in real life.**

**Firenze: It is true. We centaurs are a dying breed. Due to a magical plague many moons ago, all females of our kind have perished.** **We have long searched for a human mate, but none have ever survived.**

"I don't like the way he's looking at my character."

**Harry: What, why don't they survive?**

**Firenze: Survive coitus Harry.**

**Harry: What's coitus?**

"You don't want to know," Hermione said.

**Harry: -Hermione whispers in his ear- Oh, they die because of your giant horse dongs.** **-Ron goes down and looks-**

"RON!"

"It's not me!"

"That is disgusting."

**Harry: That's funny.**

"I think it's terrible that they're all dying. Be more sensitive next time, Harry."

"Ginny, it's not me."

"You should still be more considerate about problems like that."

**Firenze: Yes, it sounds like a funny problem, but it's actually not.**

**Harry: Oh, I'm so sorry.**

**Firenze: It's alright. Listen, we've got to get you kids back to Hogwarts Castle. Harry, unless the stars are mistaken, you've got a Quidditch game that you must be well rested for.**

"Um, I don't think the stars would tell them that I have a Quidditch game."

**Harry: Wow, thanks Firenze. You're so cool.**

**Firenze: I sure am. Well, get on my back. To Hogwarts.**

"That was a bit…disturbing."

"Yeah. It kind of was."

"Next scene!"

**Please Review!**

**And don't forget to vote on the poll!**


	14. Act 1 Scene 13

**Helloo! Sorry this is so late. My friends keep distracting me. This is the Friday chapter. The Saturday chapter comes later.**

**And my bolding disappears everytime I load the new chapter. I blame it on the site's latest update.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own HP or Starkid.**

* * *

Act 1 Scene 13

**Rita: Good morning Wizarding World, Rita Skeeter here reporting to you live from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. It's dawn out here on the Quidditch field as we prepare to bear witness to the epic battle between Pee-Wee Gryffindor and Slythereen Teams.**

"Why do they keep saying Slythereen? Why can't they say Slytherin?" Malfoy asked.

"I guess Slythereen is just funnier," Ginny shrugged.

**Today, dear readers, we'll be deciding which team deserves to be remembered as champions**

"WHOO! GRYFFINDOR!"

**and who will forever be disgraced as eternal wienies.**

"SLYTHERIN."

**Why, what do we have here? You there! Nerd, what can you tell us about this gruesome sight young man?**

"Neville's a nerd? Since when?"

**Neville: Well, that's our coach, Professor Lupin. It appears he killed this beautiful doe in some kind of blood lust.**

"A doe?" Snape raised a brow.

**Remus: Whoa, OH GOD, HELP ME! What the…WHO'D I KILL?**

Remus sat up, looking alarmed. "What?!"

"I'm sure you're just joking," Sirius tried to assure him. It didn't work very well.

**Rita: Good morning, Mr. Lupin, my name is Rita Skeeter, I'm a reporter for the Daily Prophet.**

**Remus: Oh, hi!**

**Rita: Care to explain what's going on here?**

"I killed a doe, apparently."

**Remus: Well, I think that everybody's just getting excited for a nice game of Quidditch. I know my team is rearing to go.**

"Well, obviously Neville thinks that they suck," Ginny commented.

**Rita: No, I'm referring to the slaughtered doe and the fact that your entire person is soaked in blood.**

"Um…I don't think you ever end up looking like that," Ron said.

**Remus: Uh…well, well uh…it's tradition.**

"It is?" Harry looked disgusted.

"No, it's not," Hermione said. "That'd be an awful tradition."

**Yes, it's tradition that every game, before the match, that the Gryffindor Pee-Wee Quidditch Team kill a defenseless doe and devour it. Ah, in doing so we are able to absorb the power and ferocity…of a doe. Pretty cool huh, Shlongbottom?**

"Not at all."

**Neville: That's Bambi's mom.**

"Bambi?" Fred questioned.

"Who is this 'Bambi'?" George asked.

"A deer from a Muggle children's movie," Hermione explained.

**Remus: Hahaha. Just eat the doe, Shlongbottom.**

**Neville: I couldn't!**

"Yes, Neville. Don't eat that poor doe," Ginny pleaded with the screen.

**Remus: Eat it. –pushes Neville down toward the doe- Nom nom, nom nom. That's good.**

"Aw, poor Neville," Ginny said sympathetically.

**Rita: Mr. Lupin, Mr. Lupin, it's widely rumored you are engaged in a heated quarrel with a one Severus Snape. What do you make of the allegations made by Professor Snape that you are, and I quote, "Unfit to teach children, are a danger to yourself and others, has never graduated Hogwarts, and are a washed-up…loser."**

"That's a lie," Sirius defended.

"No, some of it is true," Remus sighed.

"You're a washed-up loser?" Harry asked.

"No. But I am a danger to myself and others."

"Remus…"

**Remus: That's bullshit…**

**Neville: -gasp-**

**Remus: I mean those are half-truths. Listen, you can tell Snape that he's a jerk and you can quote me on that!**

"Great."

**Rita: My dear readers, I am star-struck. Entering the scene is none other than Harry Freakin' Potter, the Gryffindor Seeker.**

"Whoo! Harry!"

**Harry: How's it hanging Daily Prophet?**

**Rita: Harry, kid, good luck on the game.**

"And I really need that luck," Harry said. "Mine sucks."

**It's time for spectators to take their seats for what's shaping up to be a truly remarkable game of Quidditch. Rita Skeeter, signing off.**

**Dumbledore: Severus, what's the stupidest thing you've ever done? Because I bet I just topped it.**

**Snape: I doubt it. My actions led directly to death of the only thing I ever loved.**

Snape's expression turned dark.

**Dumbledore: Well, this is probably twice as funny as that, Severus. I was at Hogsmeade, treating Professor Umbridge to the traditional Welcome-to-Hogwarts body shots, you know?**

**Snape: Of course.**

**Dumbledore: And the two of us really hit it off. There was this little song, little dance, and to make a long story short, we ended up going home together.**

"I don't need to know this."

**Snape: Oh, Headmaster!**

**Dumbledore: Severus, let me finish. So Umbridge slips out of that hideous outfit, would you believe it, Professor Umbridge, get this, is a woman!**

"No, really?" Harry asked sarcastically.

**Snape: No…**

**Dumbledore: Oh yeah.**

**Snape: What did you do?**

**Dumbledore: The first thing that came out of my mouth was…AAAAH!**

"Smart, Albus."

**Then I did the only thing that would make the whole situation less awkward for everybody.**

**Snape: What's that?**

**Dumbledore: I Disapparated.**

All the occupants of the room facepalmed.

**Snape: You didn't?**

**Dumbledore: I did.**

**Snape: Oh Headmaster, I told you have to deal with things. It's like that one time I made out with Professor Grubby-Plank. She got clingy. You have to confront them, tell them they don't have what you're looking for.**

"Good advice, sir." Hermione said.

**Dumbledore: Severus, these things tend to blow over. It was like that time when everyone was complaining, "Hey! Dumby, you have to expel Tom Riddle from Hogwarts 'cause he's evil." And I just told them to stuff it and eventually everything just worked itself out. It's not bad, you know?**

"That's terrible," Sirius said.

**Oh, I'm blowing up. Oh goddamn it.**

Snape: What?

**Dumbledore: It's a text from Umbridge. It says, "We need to talk, ;)"…oh!**

"What is 'semi-colon, right parentheses?" Malfoy asked.

Hermione frowned and drew the said signs in the air with her finger before speaking, "I think it's a winking face."

"Muggles are odd."

**Snape: -laugh- Oh, I do not envy you. Oh, sorry that's me…what the devil?**

**Dumbledore: What?**

**Snape: It's a PPM from Umbridge. "Are you with Dumbledore? Did he get my text?" Now you've dragged me into this?**

"Thanks, Albus."

"Of course, Severus."

**Dumbledore: Just ignore it-I, maybe she'll just-**

**Umbridge: Did you get my text?**

"Oh Merlin, she's back," Harry said.

**Dumbledore: Yeah.**

**Umbridge: Well, you didn't text me back and you left so quickly last night that I didn't get a chance to say-**

**Dumbledore: Yeah, about that…**

**Umbridge: That last night was the most amazing night of my life.**

"Oh no."

**Dumbledore: Oh yeah?**

**Umbridge: I love you.**

"I'm so sorry, Professor."

"Quite alright, Harry. It is just a musical, after all."

**Ah me too!**

**Snape: Oh, I can't watch this…Listen Umbridge, the Headmaster is terrible with confrontation. What he's trying to say is that really, well, he's just not that into you.**

"You should _not_ have just said that."

**Umbridge: What? -chokes Snape- You don't know a goddamn thing about our magical night together you _ing little Snape in the grass.**

"What a terrible pun."

**He loves me; he's the only man who loves me. We're gonna be happy and you're gonna die!**

**Dumbledore: Umbridge, stop, he's right! He's right.**

**Umbridge: What?**

**Dumbledore: I don't wanna be with you. I was only hitting on you because I thought you were a sexy man. Maybe if you were a man, I'd-**

"Aw, you hurt her feelings," Ginny said. "Now I feel bad for musical Umbridge."

**Umbridge: No, no, I'm proud to be a woman. I am a strong woman. Hear me smash… eh…eh…**

"Look, now she can't even smash right."

**Dumbledore: Hey, I'm sorry, I just made a big goofy. I'm sorry if I got your hopes up and I'm sorry if I went around telling everybody about our sexual exploits. I only did it because I thought it would make them laugh. They did laugh. Come on, I mean, come on, it's funny.**

"You really shouldn't have said that," Hermione shook her head.

U**mbridge: No, no what are these? Tears? No, Umbridge, you don't cry. Umbridge don't cry. You don't cry. Yes, you do cry!**

"Poor thing."

**You do cry you chubby little _er. That's all I am is a chubby little _er.**

**Snape: Are you crying? Is she crying?**

**Dumbledore: She's laughing, I mean, it is pretty funny. –Snape and Dumbledore laugh-**

"You two are very cruel people."

**Umbridge: AH! I will destroy you! I will grind your bones to make my bread. I will erase everything that you ever were and I will have your job. Mark my words, Dumbledore, I'LL HAVE YOUR JOB! -runs away crying-**

"That was a little extreme, but you two really shouldn't have been so mean."

**Dumbledore: So Severus, who do you think will win the big game, huh?**

**Snape: Gryffindor, certainly.**

"Thank you for having so much faith in our Quidditch team, sir," Malfoy said. Severus smirked.

**Dumbledore: Oh good!**

**Snape: Draco is such a little shit.**

"Thanks, sir. I appreciate that."

**Lucius: Tell me about it.**

"Thanks for your support, Father, wherever you are."

**Dumbledore: Hey Lucius!**

**Lucius: Hey!**

"Sir, I didn't think you were on such close terms with the Malfoys."

**Snape: Why, Lucius Malfoy…**

**Lucius: It's been a long time Severus.**

**Snape: I didn't expect to see you here. I received a letter saying you'd be too busy to come to any of the games this year.**

**Lucius: Yes, I am in a way, but you know how I love Quidditch. I never miss a game, especially one who's outcome means such a great deal to me.**

"Um, he only goes to the Quidditch World Cup. Not Hogwarts games." Malfoy pointed out.

**Snape: Oh yes? And what's so important about this particular Quidditch game?**

**Lucius: Let's just say, I've made a large wager that lies heavily on the outcome of this game. Which is why I hope you won't object. I made some last-minute replacements to your team.**

"We are so going to lose."

**Snape: Replacements?**

**Lucius: Yes, let me introduce you. Yaxley!**

**Yaxley: Hey, Coach.**

**Lucius: Here they are; all new transfers to Hogwarts and all exceptional Quidditch players.**

"Actually, most Death Eaters are terrible at Quidditch. They aren't very good at the whole physical exercise thing," Malfoy said. No one asked how he knew this.

**Snape: Hi.**

**Lucius: Yes, now why don't you run along and tell your team that they'll be sitting this game out.**

**Snape: As you wish Lucius.**

**Lucius: Now boys, remember: do whatever you can to knock Potter off his broom. Make sure the fall is fatal and don't forget when we get on that field-**

"I don't want it to be fatal. I don't want it to happen at all."

**Draco: -gasp- It's my Daddy! Daddy, Daddy, you came to love me!**

Malfoy looked irritated by his character.

**Lucius: Point your toes…pull that chin up…**

**Draco: Daddy, look, I drew you a picture! It's me on the potty! Look, that's you in the background and you're saying, "That's my son!" and then the potty, it says, "Thank you Draco! Even potties need to eat." I like the shading on your hair.**

"Why must I keep drawing these stupid pictures?"

"I think they're pretty good…"

"That's because you can't draw, Granger."

**Yaxley: Best I've ever seen. Can I ask you, you didn't trace this or nothing?**

**Draco: No.**

**Yaxley: Wow, take a look at this fellas. Look at this right here with the…**

**Death Eater: Is that cross-hatching I detect?**

"Hey, it's Goyle!"

"You couldn't tell from the height?"

**Lucius: Silence! Get out of here you cretin and don't forget to kill Harry Potter.**

**Yaxley: Can I hang on to this?**

**Lucius: Keep it. And _you_, you listen to me you little poof! You better not screw this up.**

**Draco: I won't Daddy, I won't. You'll see, you'll love me after this. I'll catch that Snitch…mark my words. _When I won the…_hey.**

"Poor Malfoy, always being denied the chance of a solo."

"It's been like that since the first musical, Weaslette."

"Don't call me that."

"Whatever."

**Please Review!**

**And vote on the poll!**


	15. Act 1 Scene 14

**Well...oops. So much for four straight days of updating, eh? Heh, sorry about yesterday. It was my friend's birthday on Friday so we had a sleepover and I didn't get back till late yesterday.**

**Anywho, someone brought up the fact that the chapters keep getting shorter. It's pretty much the fact that the video is short, which affects the length of the chapter. If it's a six minute video, it's a short chapter. If it's a ten minute video, it's a long chapter.**

**And someone reviewed WAVPM, telling me I used American words and giving me the correct British ones. I'd like to point out that I'm American, so I'm bound to slip up at some point. Though I do try to include the teeny few British words I know. Someone also said that Great Britain doesn't have the American candy used in the musical. I really don't have an excuse for that except for: I forgot. and: I'm the author. I can mess with these people however I want.**

**Thanks for all the reviews/favorites/follows! I really appreciate it!**

**Disclaimer: I still don't own.**

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Act 1 Scene 14

**Dumbledore: Let the games begin! -Cho blows whistle-**

"Well this should be exciting," Ron said.

"Or extremely stupid and funny." Harry said.

**Gryffindors (singing): Somebody's going down, somebody's going down. And it ain't gonna be us. Somebody's gonna lose, somebody's gonna lose and it ain't gonna be us. Somebody's going down, somebody's going down.**

"Yes, that would be Slytherin," Ginny said.

**Slytherins: We're gonna kick your ass. We're gonna kick your ass.**

Malfoy smirked.

**Gryffindors: And it ain't gonna be us.**

**Slytherins: You're going down, going down.**

**Gryffindors: Somebody's gonna lose, somebody's gonna lose and it ain't gonna be us.**

**Slytherins: We're gonna kick your ass. We're gonna kick your ass. You're going down, going down.**

**[whistle; they play Quidditch; Slytherin's winning]**

"Ha! Take that, Gryffindors. How do like that, Potter? We're winning!" Malfoy said smugly.

"Shut up, Malfoy," Harry responded. "Just watch them dance."

**Cho: -blows whistle- That's half-time y'all.**

**Hedwig: Hoo, hoo, hoo, package for Harry Potter, hoo!**

**Lucius: You there, bird, what've you got there?**

"Great. Now I'm not going to get that package."

"And I bet it's your Firebolt, too."

**Hedwig: Urgent package, sir, for HP, you seen him?**

**Lucius: Oh, I can sign for it, I'm a family friend.**

"Um, no...you're not."

**Hedwig: Oh, thanks buddy, you're really helping me out.**

**Lucius: I'll make sure he gets it…NOT! Let's see, what've we got here? Oh, I hate to ruin Christmas, Potter, but this is one package you won't be getting.**

"It's definitely my Firebolt," Harry groaned. "Can someone stop him for me?"

**Hermione: Hey, that belongs to Harry Potter!**

"Thanks, Hermione."

**Lucius: So what if it does? What makes you think I'd give it to you? Oh! I know you. You're that filthy, little Mu-**

**Hermione: Jelly-Legs Jinx!**

"Um, what?" the newcomers looked confused.

"They know that there's an incantation for that, right?" Remus asked.

"Yes, but it's funnier this way," Hermione explained.

"You bet," Fred and George grinned. "We are so using that from now on."

**Lucius: Whoa!**

**Remus: What the hell was that?! You guys are making me look like an idiot out there!**

"You already do look like an idiot, with the butt-trumpeting. And especially when you're dressed like that," Sirius pointed out.

**Dean: Yeah man, it's those Slytherin dudes. They're just too fast!**

**Neville: I give up!**

**Remus: No, NO. You are not allowed to give up.**

**Ron: I give up too!**

**Harry: I give up three.**

"I just gave up...I never give up!"

**Remus: Harry…**

**Harry: I'm sorry man! If I could catch up to those asshole Slytherins, for like maybe 2 seconds, maybe I could catch the Snitch, but it's like Dean said, they're just…they're too fast.**

"It's only because they had those brooms! If we were all on the same broom that year-"

"Harry, it's just a game," Hermione said.

"NO, IT'S NOT!" the Quidditch fanatics yelled. Hermione roled her eyes.

**Dean: Well, I'm gonna go tell Madam Hooch that we quit.**

**Remus: Dean…**

**Dean: Sorry, Coach.**

**Remus: Dean, please, give us another chance.**

**Hermione: Guys, wait! Dean, wait. Look, this package just came for Harry and trust me you're gonna wanna look what's inside.**

"My Firebolt."

"We _know_, Harry."

**Harry: Gather 'round chums.**

**Neville: Oh dear.**

**Seamus: Bloody tits!**

**Dean: I ain't seeing this!**

**Harry: What is it?**

**Ron: Harry, this is a Firebolt!**

Harry looked smug and everyone else just rolled their eyes.

**Dean: The greatest present in all of kid-dom!**

**Seamus: That's the fastest broom in the world that is!**

**Ron: They say that when it takes off, even Wizard God himself can't follow.**

"Awesome. So now I know that Wizard God can't follow me."

**Remus: Uh, guys, I think we're still in this game. What do you say Dean?**

**Dean: Alright!**

**Gryffindors: Yeah!**

**Remus: Yeah, we got Dean. Please Herman, this is for us.**

"Yeah, Herman. Just the team."

Ron was smacked in a face by the pillow.

**Alright, team cheer on three, ready?**

**Team: One-two-three –they all cheer-**

**Hermione: Good Luck Harry and uh, good luck to you too Ron. I think you're a really great Keeper. -hugs him- Kay, bye.**

Ron's ears were red. Hermione's face was pink. Everyone else was laughing.

**Ron: Bye…ow…bye…ow…**

**Harry: Alright boys, let's go. What, what, no way! Huh, the Snitch!**

**[Everything turns into slow-motion]**

**Lucius: Kill him! Kill him!**

"Please don't."

**Yaxley: Avada…ah! -Draco pushes him out of the way-**

Malfoy groaned and Harry smirked. "Thanks, Malfoy."

**Harry: Uh, get out of here!**

**Draco: No!**

**Harry: Take this! -hits Draco in the face with the Firebolt-**

Malfoy frowned and touched his face while the Gryffindors sniggered.

**Draco: I'm bleeding!**

**Remus: Harry, catch that Snitch! –Harry cathes the Snitch-**

**Rita: Harry Potter's caught the Snitch, Gryffindor wins. –everyone cheers; Remus walks around butt-trumpeting-**

**Remus: Who looks stupid now? You do.**

"Lupin, you are still the one that looked stupid."

**Snape: You'll rue this day Professor Lupin. Slytherins, retreat. -Slytherins leave-**

**Hermione: Harry you did it!**

**Remus: Three cheers for HP, y'all.**

**Everyone: Cheers! Cheers! Cheers!**

The Gryffindors and former Gryffindors in the room cheered with the people on screen.

**Remus: Ah, Harry, Harry, your dad would be so proud of you. But more importantly, his best friend is proud of you.**

**Harry: You mean Sirius Black?**

"Yes, Harry I was proud to see you play," Sirius said. Harry beamed.

**Remus: Aha, aha, just being out here with all you kids makes me feel like a kid again.**

**Ron: Well, do you want a Bertie Bott's Every Flavored Candy Bean?**

"I have a bad feeling about this..."

**Remus: Yeah! Sure, this really takes me back.**

**Rita: Well, if it isn't the man of the hour, Mr. Remus Lupin.**

**Remus: Yup.**

**Rita: Mr. Lupin, how does it feel to have coached the Gryffindor Team to their first win in fourteen years?**

"FOURTEEN YEARS?!"

**Remus: Well, let me just say that it hasn't been easy. I've had a lot of hard times. Some people have even tried to make me look like a fool. But it's moments like these, -eats bean- it's moments like these right here, that I just—bleh. –coughs and chokes- **

"I knew me eating the bean would turn out badly."

**What? What is this? It's getting worse! Why does it taste this way? –coughs a lot- I JUST ATE SHIT! I just ate shit!**

Everyone in the room started to laugh hysterically as the Remus on screen ran off-stage.

**Ron: Come on party in the Gryffindor Common Room!**

**Everybody: Gryffindor! Gryffindor! Gryffindor! Gryffindor! –they all leave-**

**Lucius: No, no, no! Who knew the counter curse was just Unjellify?**

"Hermione."

"And in second year, Goyle."

**Draco: Well, Daddy, looks like we lost. However, I do think I would've caught the Snitch if Yaxley hadn't blundered into my path, but I think the most important thing here is: I've had a lot of fun.**

"Good for you, Mr. Malfoy," Dumbledore smiled. "You now know that havong fun is the most important part in a game."

Malfoy just stared at him like he was crazy.

**Lucius: -Yaxley and Death Eater carry Lucius to Draco- How DDAAAAARRREE you!**

Everyone laughed again.

**You couldn't stay out of the way for twenty minutes could you, you little poof. -pulls out wand- Why I ought to… -twirls and takes the drawing from Yaxley-**

**Draco: Oh, that's my… -Lucius crumples it and throws it at him-**

"Aw, poor musical Malfoy," Ginny said.

**Lucius: You're not my son. –leaves with the Death Eaters.**

**Draco: This place has really gone to the dogs.**

The ones who had seen the previous musical burst out laughing. The others just looked confused.

**Please Review!**


	16. Act 1 Scene 15

**Finally. It took forever for me to get this up. And now we are back to the regular updating schedule (sorta). Thanks for all the lovely reviews!**

**Short author's note for once. Don't get used to it.**

**Disclaimer: Don't mind me, I'm just playing with Jo's characters and Starkid's musicals...**

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Act 1 Scene 15

**Hermione: Hello boys!**

**Harry and Ron: Hey Hermione.**

**Hermione: Um, well, I'm headed home for the winter holiday for a few weeks, but, um, before I go I just wanted to give this to you guys.** **Happy Christmas.**

"So obviously a book."

"Classic Hermione."

**Ron: I wonder what it is.**

**Harry: I wonder what this could be.**

**Ron: I hope it's a puppy.**

**Harry and Ron: Puppy, puppy, puppy, puppy…**

The girls facepalmed.

"I pity the puppy that gets stuck with those two idiots as their owners," Ginny stated. The boys pouted.

**Harry: A book?**

**Hermione: Yeah.**

**Harry: Gross, Merry Christmas, Ron.**

**Ron: Yeah, huh. -throws book to ground-**

Hermione glared at Ron, who shrunk back into his seat. "Never, ever throw a book. Or I will castrate you. Understand?"

"Yes, Hermione," Ron said meekly, ignoring the snickers coming from everyone else in the room.

**Hermione: No wait! It's not just any book. It's a scrapbook. I made it of all of our memories of our first semester at Hogwarts.** **See, here's the tickets from the Hogwarts Express and here is a clipping from the Prophet about that Quidditch game you guys won.**

**Harry: Oh yeah, "Remus Lupin Eats Shit, Gryffindor Wins".**

"What a great heading," Sirius grinned. Remus sighed.

**Harry: Hey, Merry Christmas.**

**Ron: Merry Christmas to you. Oh wow.** **Hey Hermione, why is there a clipping in here from the Prophet about Sirius Black?**

"That makes no sense at all, Granger," Malfoy said.

"Sirius is Harry's godfather," Hermione replied.

"But at this point in time the three of you think Sirius Black is a murderer," Malfoy countered.

"Well, yeah, I guess you're right," Hermione admitted reluctantly. Malfoy smirked.

**Hermione: 'Cause they mentioned Harry in it.**

**Ron: Oh! Um, oh "Before his escape from Azkaban, Sirius Black went on the record saying 'I want to find Harry Potter' that's you 'and I want to drug and kill him.'".**

"Aw, that's nice. I want to drug and kill you too, Sirius!" Harry said cheerfully. Everyone stared at him.

"What?"

**Hermione: Are you nervous Harry?** **He is a murderer.**

**Harry: Not really, I mean, I live at Hogwarts and it's an impenetrable fortress.**

"Um, not really. The amount of times we've almost died while attending Hogwarts..." Hermione trailed off, not wanting to say how many times exactly the Trio had come close to death.

**I don't think any of us have anything to worry about-**

**Snape: SIRIUS BLACK! SIIIRRIIUUUS BLA—oh, checkmate—SIRIUS BLACK!**

Everyone laughed.

**Dumbledore: What about him?**

**Snape: He was spotted by the paintings on the Third Floor. The Dogs Playing Poker peed on the carpet. The Screaming Man has never looked more terrified. It took the entire Last Supper to calm him down.**

Hermione giggled and Harry was grinning. The rest of the group looked confused.

"Oi, you two," Fred started.

"Care to share with the rest of us?" George finished?

"They're a bunch of Muggle paintings," Hermione explained. "All of them are quite famous."

"The fact that wizards might have painted them is funny to us," Harry said.

**Sirius Black has broken into our castle.**

**Everyone: AH! -Snape jumps into Ron's arms-**

Snape looked disgusted. Ron was slightly green.

"Professor, I'd appreciate it if you never do that."

"Of course I wouldn't do that, boy."

**Dumbledore: Hey! Quit it! Quit it! When you yell it only makes Sirius want to kill you faster!** **Now, Prefects escort these kiddies to their dorms and tuck them in. The teachers and I will search the entire castle for Sirius Black.**

**Harry: Sirius Black, Sirius Black, that bastard. I'm gonna find him and I'm going to throw everything I know at him. I'm talking about ****_Lumos, Alohomora, and Jelly-Legs Jinx._**** Everything!**

"Quite the arsenal of spells you got there, Harry."

"Oh, shut up."

**Hermione: But Harry, you're better than that!**

**Harry: Ah, JELLY LEGS JINX!**

**Ron: Whoa!**

**Hermione: Harry, that almost hit me!**

"Sorry."

"Harry, it's not you. Don't apologize."

"You make me for everything else in this musical!"

"That's different."

**Harry: I'M IN A RAGE!** **THIS IS THE MADDEST I'VE EVER BEEN!**

"You do have a bit of a temper," Ron mused.

"Oh yeah," Ginny agreed. "Remember the first time you went to Grimmauld Place? Godric, that was loud."

"We could hear it from our room too," Fred said.

"And we were in the middle of experimenting. Loud experimenting." George said.

"Lily's temper then," Sirius said fondly.

Harry brightened at the thought.

"Yes, your mom was pretty scary when you got her going. Very loud. Most of castle could hear her, I bet." Remus smiled.

**That Sirius Black took everything away from me; he took my parents, my whole life, everything! I'm gonna find him, with this.** **The Marauder's Map, let's go.**

"When did I get the map?"

**Voice: La, la, la, la, la…la, la, la, la, la…**

"Well...that's not creepy."

**Harry: Okay, I think Sirius is in here, but I could be wrong. This is a very complicated schematic.**

"No, not really."

**Voice: La, la, la, la, la…**

**Hermione: I don't know about this Harry. This room is really forbidden.**

**Voice: La, la, la, la, la…**

**Ron: Harry, I'm a little frightened.**

**Harry: Wait, do you hear that?**

**Hermione: Hear what?**

**Voice: La, la, la, la, la…**

"Like I said, not creepy at all."

**Harry: (singing) I know you. I've seen you in a dream an old familiar scene, from somewhere. And you know me. There's a glowing in your eyes I know and recognize from somewhere. Those voices, singing out, la, la, la, la, la.**

**Voice: La, la, la, la, la.**

**Together: La, la, la, la, la.**

**Harry: (speaking) Who are these people? Can't you see them?**

"They're probably me parents," Harry realized. "That must be the Mirror of Erised."

**Ron: No, all I see is myself and I'm inside Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. Hermione's turning into a blueberry and I'm eating her.**

"That is so not an image I needed. Thanks, Ron."

"I wouldn't even see that!"

**Hermione: I see myself turning into Cho Chang, ya'll…**

Hermione huffed.

**Harry: What is this thing?**

**Sirius: That is the Mirror of Erised, Harry. It shows nothing more or less than most desperate and deepest desires of your heart. Those are your parents, Harry.**

"Knew it."

"No one doubted you, Harry."

**Hermione: Harry, Harry watch out, that's Sirius Black!**

**Ron: Take this you bastard, ****_Alohomora! _****–door opens, Ron goes and shuts it-**

"Fail," Ron muttered.

**Sirius: Kids-**

**Hermione: ****_Jelly-Legs Jinx!_**

**Sirius: Unjellify!**

"At least it was actually useful," Hermione murmured.

**Hermione: Oh, Harry, he's too much for us!**

**Harry: I've got one more thing…****_Lumos!_**

"That was lame," Harry grumbled.

**Sirius: Expelliarmus! Harry, just let me explain.**

"Hey! That's my signature spell! Get your own!"

**Harry: What do you want to explain? How you betrayed my parents and killed them?**

**Sirius: No! I didn't betray your parents and I never killed anybody. I was framed. I loved your parents Harry. Your dad was my best friend.**

Sirius smiled sadly.

**Harry: Why should I believe you?**

**Sirius: 'Cause Harry, when I look in that mirror, I see them too. (singing) I see them. They were people that I loved. You were barely old enough to be there, but I know you. You have your mother's eyes beneath your dad's untidy dark hair. Those voices, ringing out, la, la, la, la, la.**

**Voice: La, la, la, la, la.**

**Together: La, la, la, la, la.**

**Sirius: And I would never do anything that could hurt you. They were both my family. You're all that's left of what I knew. You must know somewhere it's true. Do you understand me?**

**Harry: Yeah, I do.**

**Together: Those voices, reaching out, la, la, la, la, la.**

**Voice: La, la, la, la, la…**

**All Four: La, la, la, la, la…la…**

"That song kind of depressed me."

"Yeah, but maybe the next scene will be happier?"

"Hope so."

**Please Review!**

**And check out the poll!**


	17. Act 1 Scene 16

**Helloooooo! Thanks for all the lovely reviews, ninjas, I really appreciate it. And all the follows/favorites too! Over 200 people following this! Aah! That's great! You guys are amazing :)**

**Another short A/N. Lucky ducks.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own HP or Starkid. Though I do wish I owned DC Comics so I could bring Damian and Wally back (plus all the others in reboot Limbo)...wait, what does this even have to do with the fic? Ugh. Just go read the story now. I'm gonna go find a wall to bash my head into. Again.**

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Act 1 Scene 16

**Sirius: Harry, it seems so unfair that I got to spend so much time with James and Lily and you so little.**

Sirius and Harry both frowned.

**Hermione: I don't know, Harry. Can we really trust Sirius Black?**

"Yes."

"We know, Sirius."

**Ron: Yeah, what about that Daily Prophet article where you went on the record saying you wanted to find Harry and you wanted to drug and kill him?**

**Sirius: That's a lie! I was magically misquoted by that dumbass Rita Skeeter. What I actually said was I want to hug and kiss him.**

"That's sweet," Hermione said.

Harry looked slightly grossed out. "Erm, no kisses please. Anything but kisses."

Sirius looked confused and Ron snickered and muttered something about 'wet kisses.' Harry elbowed him and mumbled something about plungers. Ron went red. Hermione scowled.

**Harry: I believe him, guys. He saw my parents in the mirror and well, you can't fake that.**

"But...you can."

"Parody musical, Harry. Parody musical."

**Sirius: No you cannot.**

**Ron & Hermione: -shrug- Okay.**

**Ron: What are you doing here, Sirius?**

**Hermione: Yeah, I mean, if you don't wanna kill Harry then what's the point of coming to Hogwarts at all?**

"Killing Peter," Sirius said darkly.

**Sirius: Well, while I was rotting away in my prison cell in Azkaban, I uh, received a package and attached to it was this note. It reads, "Dear Sirius Black, Enclosed is a tool you can use to escape Azkaban and sneak into Hogwarts. Please hurry, Harry Potter is in grave danger. Signed, Little D."**

**Hermione: Little D? Little Dumbledore!**

"You know, I don't believe that this 'Little D' is me," Dumbledore said airily. "It might be someone else."

"Like who, Professor?" Ginny asked curiously.

"Oh, I don't know," Dumbledore said, but he gave a sidelong look at Malfoy.

**Sirius: My thoughts exactly! It was nice to know that the old man still believed in me. But anyway, I opened the package and inside I found this.**

**Hermione: -gasp-**

**Ron: Whooa.**

**Sirius: It's your father's old Invisibility Cloak.**

Sirius and Remus gaped. "It's so tiny!"

The immature males in the room all snickered while the females rolled their eyes.

**Ha, ha, ha, we used it to play jokes on Snape. Ha, and we would solve mysteries and shit.**

Sirius looked at the faces of the current Gryffindors. "And what do you three use it for?"

"I kick wiener dogs," Harry said, grinning.

"I pretend to be a ghost and I scare people," Ron said, mouth twitching.

"I use it to avoid ever having to face my reflection in the mirror," Hermione said with as straight a face as possible.

"I use it to fake my own death and watch people cry at the funeral," Ginny said, giggling.

Sirius stared at them. "You have issues."

The Gryffindors burst out laughing, leaving poor Sirius looking more confused then ever.

"I don't get it, what's so funny?"

Malfoy huffed and explained. "The cloak was in the previous musical, and Gryffindork's musical versions said that they would do that."

"Oh," Sirius ignored the Gryffindork comment.

"Shut up," Snape snapped at the still laughing teens. They quieted and the muscial started to play again.

**Your dad wanted you to have this when you were old enough.**

**Harry: Wow, thanks. Hey Ron, am I invisible?**

**Ron: Who said that?**

"Haha, very funny."

**Harry: Sirius, I don't think I'm in any kind of grave danger.**

**Sirius: _Who said that?_ Ah, Harry, Jesus.**

The group laughed.

**You looked like you were in danger during that Quidditch match. It's a good thing my package made it to you on time. You really put it to good use.**

"I was in danger. Death Eaters were trying killing me."

**Harry: You sent the Firebolt.**

**Sirius: Sure did.**

**Hermione: Harry, Harry, on the map, someone's coming!**

"Oh great."

**Sirius: Quick, get under the Cloak. If you guys are seen helping me you'll all be in really big trouble.**

**Harry: No, no, no, but if they find you they're gonna send you back to Azkaban.**

Harry looked worried.

**Sirius: It's fine. It was all worth it as long as you know the truth. Now quick, get under the Cloak.**

**Harry: No, no!**

**Snape: _Alohomora! _What the devil is going on here?**

"Yay. Snape."

**Harry: Nothing.**

**Snape: Lies! You can't do nothing. You must be here for something...or for someone! Do you know what the penalty for aiding a fugitive? I'll see you all expelled.**

"Everytime," Harry groaned. "Get a better threat."

**Hermione: No, we weren't doing anything.**

**Snape: Shut up Potter! You're arrogance is insufferable, just like your deadbeat father. And like him it's going to get you killed. Now until I find Black, I'm going to make your life miserable. You'll wish you were expelled!**

"My father wasn't a deadbeat," Harry growled. "And it did not get him killed."s

**Sirius: Leave him alone, you butt-trumpet! –makes butt trumpet noises- This is what your butt sounds like!**

**Snape: That doesn't sound anything like my butt. _Expelliarmus! _Sirius Black, I was hoping I would be the one to find you.**

"Well, I guess some things don't change."

**Sirius: Yeah, well, you did so leave the kids out of this.**

**Harry: He's innocent!**

**Snape: I'll be the judge of that, Potter.**

**Sirius: After all these years, you're still a no-good wiener jacket. You just can't stand that she picked James over you.**

Snape looked angry, Dumbledore was frowning slightly, and Remus started in realization. The others just looked confused.

**Snape: Give me a reason, give me a reason and I swear I'll do it.**

**Hermione: I wish Dumbledore were here.**

**Dumbledore: I am here, night troll.**

"Can you guys not call me that?"

"Sorry, Hermione."

**Umbridge: AND SO AM I! Sirius Black, oh, I've been looking for you for a long time.**

Harry groaned. "Umbridge, great. Just what we need."

**Snape: He broke into the castle using this.**

**Umbridge: What the hell is Potter doing here?**

**Snape: Nothing important. I've believe Black has Confunded the children.**

**Umbridge: Huh, maybe you're the one that's been Confunded Snape. Look at the name on the tag: Potter. **

"The cloak doesn't have a tag..."

**–punches Sirius- I knew you were guilty from the moment I laid my eyes on you three little turds and now you and your loser friends are going to come with me to Azkaban!**

Sirius shuddered.

**Dumbledore: No stop, this is impossible. Harry didn't help Sirius break in because…because I did.**

**Snape: Headmaster, how could you let this criminal into the castle?**

**Scarfy: Especially in that outfit?**

"Oh my Merlin, that's what it's worried about? My outfit? That scarf needs to sort out its priorities."

**Dumbledore: Scarfy, my reasons are my own.**

**Umbridge: Oh, this is just too good. I told you I was going to destroy you Dumbledore and now you're dead. Unless…**

**Dumbledore: Unless what?**

**Umbridge: I'll make you a deal Dumbledore. You can either kiss the Dementors or you can kiss Umbridge.**

Harry shivered. "I'd rather kiss the Dementors."

**Harry: No!**

**Ron: No, don't!**

**Hermione: No, don't do it!**

**Sirius: No, Dumbledore, I'm not worth it!**

"I'm really not."

**Dumbledore: I choose…I choose neither! Snape, it's time to show where your true loyalties lie. Take care of the children for me.**

Dumbledore smiled slightly, and SNape scowled. He did not want to show where his true loyalties lied. He did not want Potter, or Black, or even Lupin to know about it. But from the looks Lupin was giving him he was probably too late...

**Scarfy: Well, looks like we're out, again.**

**Dumbledore: Disapparate.**

**Everyone: Ah, magic.**

**Umbridge: What?! Where did he go?**

**Snape: He Disapparated.**

"You can't-"

"Disapparate inside of Hogwarts. We know, Hermione."

**Umbridge: That's bullshit Snape. You can't Disapparate inside Hogwarts, right?**

**Random Guy in Audience: Right.**

**Umbridge: Right.**

The group laughed.

"This audience is great," Ginny said.

**Damn it! –kicks Hermione in face-**

Hermione frowned and touched her face gently, as if checking to make sure she wasn't actually hit.

**You got lucky Potter but I know you're guilty too and I'm gonna get all of you. Because with Dumbledore gone, guess who gets to be the Headmaster now?**

**Snape: Me?**

**Ron: Snape?**

Hermione's brow furrowed. Was this more foreshadowing?

**Umbridge: No me, your mama, Umbridge! And from now on we're gonna be doing things around here my way! We're gonna be doing things THE UMBRIDGE WAY!**

"I have a really bad feelin about Umbridge being Headmaster," Sirius said.

"She was awful," Ginny declared.

"Horrible," Ron agreed,"

"Terrifying," Harry nodded.

"That's the end of Act 1," Fred said.

"Time for a quick break, I've been sitting too long," George sighed as he stretched.

Sirius brightened. "Great! Harry I need to talk to you."

"What?" Harry hardly had time to stand up before being dragged off by the man towards the extra room. The rest of the group stared after them.

Ron's stomach grumbled.

"Sorry," Ron said sheepishly. "I'm hungry."

"Then get something to feed the bottomless pit you call a stomach," Malfoy snapped.

Ron walked into the kitchen, ignoring Malfoy. The others shrugged and followed him.

So now it was just Sirius and Harry in the private room.

**Please Review!**


	18. Act 2 Scene 1

**Hey guys! Sorry it's late. Yesterday I had to work the Snack Bar for 5 hours and two baseball games. Then I got a massive headache. Sorry!**

**S****omeone reviewed saying I need to label more. I know this, and I blame my fifth grade teacher for telling me that the word 'said' sucks and that I should avoid using it as much as possible in my writing. But I hope this chapter is better!**

**And some of you reviewed saying I should have done something at the Snape and Lily scene at the end. IT'S IN THIS CHAPPIE. I SWEAR. ****Also, I'm not much of a Snily couple person. I'm all for Snily friendship though. SO PLEASE DON'T KILL ME IF YOU THINK ME REMUS AND SNAPE SCENE IS OOC. I REALLY TRIED. AND IF THE SIRIUS AND HARRY TALK IS OOC: I TRIED ON THAT TOO, BUT I'M NOT REALLY GOOD AT STUFF LIKE THAT SO.**

**Okay, I'm done. You can read now.**

**Disclaimer: I really don't own anything. In the Land of Copyright, I'd be homeless.**

* * *

Act 2 Scene 1

"So…why did you want to talk to me?" Harry questioned Sirius, who was pacing the mostly empty room. Harry sat in the only chair.

"Well, first of all, you being mistreated by the Dursleys," Sirius spat the name.

Harry laughed weakly. "Really, Sirius, it wasn't that bad. I was just kept in the cupboard under the stairs until my Hogwarts letter arrived. It's not like I was too big for it anyways."

"I don't buy it. What else did they do?"

"Um," Harry hesitated. "If I did something that upstaged Dudley then they wouldn't feed me or they would lock me in my cupboard."

Sirius growled and three figures shaped eerily liked the Dursleys popped up by a blank wall. A wand manifested into Sirius' hand and, on instinct, Sirius aimed a hex at the mannequins, which turned to ashes with a loud 'BANG.'

"Sirius, stop. I turned out just fine, there's no need to be so angry," Harry tried to soothe the man. "They never do anything to be anymore, I'm fine."

"Harry…"

"Don't even give me that 'I should have been there' crap. You weren't there because you were doing what you thought was right by chasing after Pettigrew instead of taking care of me. Yes, things would have been different if you raised me, and I realize that. But the past is the past, Sirius. You can't change that. So get over yourself."

"…nice speech."

"Thanks, I try. Now quit hugging me and tell me the other reason you dragged me in here?"

Sirius grinned slyly. "You sure you wanna know?"

"Why do I have a bad feeling about this?"

"So…Ginny Weasley, huh?"

"What?!"

"Fred and George mentioned something to me about her crush on you and you possibly liking her back," Sirius shrugged at Harry's slightly panicked look. "Don't worry about it, kid. She's a redhead, it was bound to happen someday."

"What does Ginny having red hair have to do with anything?"

"Potter curse or rich, fairytale family cliché as your father called it. All Potter men end up with glasses, messy hair, and always fall for redheads."

"Oh."

"Yeap. So you don't like this Cho girl anymore?"

Harry snorted. "Hell no."

"Right. So Harry, I don't know if you've realized this but…you're a Gryffindor."

"Yes, I know. How is this relevant?"

"You are supposed to be brave, which means that Ginny should be your girlfriend by now. Duh."

"Um, okay."

"Well, why isn't she then?"

"Because," Harry sighed. "She's dating Dean Thomas. I told myself that I would do something about it when they broke up."

Sirius groaned. "Ugh, have I ever mentioned how much I hate love? It's too complicated."

Harry chuckled. "Not really, Sirius. Now are we done? I want to grab some Butterbeer before Ron drinks it all."

"Sure, kid. Let's go."

* * *

"So," Remus said as he sat down next to Snape.

"Whatdo you want, Lupin?" Snape sighed.

"That little bit at the end of Act 1."

Snape tensed. "What about it?"

"Well...that was Lily."

"I know that," Snape snapped.

"Severus, you loved her."

"Yes."

Snape's blunt answer seemed to surprise Remus, but he quickly recovered. "Why didn't you ever tell her?"

"Because she wouldn't talk to me. And she liked Potter."

"Still, you could have told her."

Snape sighed. "I couldn't take the risk of ruining our friendship. It was too precious to me. She was my only friend."

"Severus, is that why you do so much for Harry? Why you became a double agent?"

Snape looked down. "Yes," he whispered.

"But Harry always says you pick on him in class..." Remus looked confused.

"As a cover."

Remus' eyes widened in realization. "And becuase you can only see James in him, because they lok so alike," he said softly. Snape scowled. "You know, Harry is probably more like Lily than he is James. Just because they look alike doesn't mean they act alike." Remus stood up. "I'll let you think about that." he said as he walked towards the teens, who were laughing at whatever Fred and George had just said. Only a few seconds later, Harry and Sirius walked in. Harry went straight for his friends and grabbed a Butterbeer from Ron. Snape stared at him for a while, waching how he interacted with his friends. Maybe, just maybe, the boy was more like his beloved Lily...

"Alright then, everyone," Dumbledore stood up. "We should now return to watching the musical. Maybe we shall be able to finish it before lunch."

The rest of the group stood up and together they walked to the living room. As soon as they were seated, the words 'A Very Potter Sequel Act 2' appeared on the screen.

**Snape: Educational Decree Number 28: By order of the Ministry of Magic, Dolores Jane Umbridge shall replace Albus Dumbledore as Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Teachers are hereby forbidden from giving out any information not strictly related to subject they are paid to teach. All student teams, societies, clubs, and activities are henceforth disbanded. This is bullshit.**

"Go Snape," Malfoy grinned.

**Seamus: Bloody bitch! Dean, get a load of this month's Daily Prophet.**

"Really, can Seamus stop with all the bloody somethings?" Hermione rolled her eyes.

**Dean: Albus Dumbledore named Public Enemy Number One after it was discovered he had been aiding dangerous fugitive, Sirius Black. Dolores Jane Umbridge has now been appointed Headmaster of Hogwarts to bring order to the school and repair the curriculum.**

**Seamus: Repair the curriculum? Is that what she calls ruling the whole bloody school?**

"Ugh," Harry groaned. "That was AWFUL."

**Cho: Are y'all talking about the horrible things that are going on here since Umbridge was named Headmaster? It's awful, it's just awful.**

"No need to repeat Harry, musical Cho," Ginny said.

"Talking to a screen."

"Shut up, Ron."

**Dean: Damn straight.**

**Seamus: Yeah, she's cancelled Quidditch, got rid of the trips to Hogsmeade, got rid of Peeves, painted over the paintings and now she's got the Ghostbusters breathing down Nearly Headless Nick's nearly headless neck.**

"Ghostbusters?"

"It's a Muggle film," Hermione explained to Ron. "They catch ghosts and such."

**Cho: Not to mention she has cancelled the annual Valentine's Day Feeler-Up Dance and replaced it with a nasty old abstinence rally.**

The students gaped at the screen before bursting into laughter.

"A Feeler-Up dance...yeah, like that's going to happen." Fred snorted. George nodded in agreement.

**How am I supposed to stay abstinent when I've got a reputation to maintain? Professor Flitwick is going to fail me now. I just wanna die!**

"Ew." Ginny crinkled her nose. "I did not need to know that."

**Neville: Yeah, and everyone takes their frustrations out on me!**

**Goyle: AAAAH!**

**Crabbe: Calm down friend.**

**Goyle: NO ONE GIVES GOYLE A DETENTION! ME HATE UMBRIDGE!**

**Seamus: You guys hate Umbridge too? I thought you guys would've got along seeing as she's a bitch and you guys are dicks.**

The students laughed as Goyle started to shout agian.

**Crabbe: That's what we were hoping for, but no such luck.**

**Goyle: Well, you know what I think? I think I need some chamomile before my slumber.**

"Oh, I love chamomile tea," Hermione said.

**Neville: That was too c-close for comfort.**

**Harry: Ah, come on, who made Cho cry? What is that? I don't even care who did it. You're gonna die, Shlongbottom!**

"Poor Neville," Ginny sighed. "Everyone is so mean to him in these musicals.

**Neville: Hey! –everyone starts beating up Neville-**

**Hermione: Stop! Look guys I know that things are getting bad around here, but we can't turn on each other. That's exactly what Umbridge wants. She wants us to eat each other to survive.**

"We aren't cannibals," Ron said.

**Harry: Dean, let me see that Prophet.**

**Dean: Sure thang, HP.**

**Harry: Uh, this so bogus.**

"People say bogus still?"

**Look at this: Dangerous criminal Sirius Black apprehended. He is currently held at Hogwarts where he waits his sentencing to which Dolores Umbridge recommends the maximum sentence: the Dementor's Kiss.**

Sirius shuddered. "Please, no."

**Ron: That's rough buddy, what are we going to do?**

"Time travel." Harry smirked.

**Harry: There's nothing we can do. The only other person who knows that he's innocent is Dumbledore and he's on the run too.**

**Ron: We're in a real puzzle. Redvine?**

**Harry: For the first time in my life, I don't want one.**

The students gasped dramtically and Harry looked ashamed.

**Ron: Harry, uh, you can't mean that. Um, here just open up and I'll put it in-**

**Harry: I don't want a Redvine! Okay? I don't want one.**

**Hermione: I'll take it Ron. We best leave Harry alone.**

Hermione sook her head sadly. Harry pouted.

**Remus: Alright gang, I'll ignore that some of you were late, if you ignore that I'm the latest. What the hell? Why didn't you guys laugh at my joke? What's going on here, why all the long faces?**

"That joke wasn't even that funny, Remus."

"I know, Sirius."

**Dean: Man, it's Umbridge.**

**Cho: She is ruining our lives.**

**Ron: And Hogwarts.**

**Seamus: It's not a school, it's a bloomin'** **prison.**

**Neville: Like Azkaban.**

**Harry: Yeah and she's the Dementor sucking out my soul.**

"How accurate," George said.

**Remus: I see. Well, tell you what, if guys think that this place is like Azkaban and you're worried about Dementors, why don't teach you a spell that can ward them off. It's called a Patronus.**

**Hermione: Uh, but Professor the Patronus is a very advanced spell and we're just first years.**

"Oh yeah, huh...I keep forgetting that," Harry said.

**Remus: Ah, bullshit.**

**Students: -gasp and cover their ears-**

**Remus: I mean baloney. It's easy, okay? They only thing** **you need to make a Patronus is a wonderful thought.**

**Students: Any happy little thought?**

Hermione giggled. No one else got the reason, but figured it was another Muggle movie and ignored it.

**Remus: Not just any happy thought, alright? Dementors live off fear and misery, so in order to beat them you gotta have something that's stronger than they are. The happy thought has gotta be something that when you think about it, you can't help but cheer up. So come on, guys, what makes you happiest? ****Cho?**

**Cho: Um, ah, well—well…**

**Remus: Hey it can be a memory, a person, a fantasy, anything. Just as long as the emotion is real.**

**Cho: I'll pretend that I'm at the Valentine's Day Feeler-Up Dance and all the boys can't keep their hands off me.**

"Not what I wanted to hear, but expected," Malfoy shrugged.

**Remus: Good—hey, who knows maybe that's uh, maybe that's a thought we can make happen.**

"REMUS!"

**I'm kidding…**

"You better be."

**Or am I? You decide…and let me know. Neville, what do you got?**

**Neville: I think I'll be an Indian Brave.**

**Remus: Sounds good. Hey Ron, what are you thinking about, maybe a snack or a frumpy little girl?**

Ron turned a nice shade of Weasley red as his character played with Hermione's hair.

**Ron: No…NO! No, I'm thinking about Harry.**

**Harry: Oh cool, I was thinking about me too.**

Hermione huffed and rolled her eyes again.

**Remus: Okay guys, good work. Alright, now that you've got your happy thoughts you've got to hold on to it okay? And say the magic words: _Expecto Patronum. _Right? Now watch me.**

**Hermione: Uh, Professor, what will you think of?**

**Remus: I'm gonna think of the man who considered me to be his best friend.**

"That sad music is always in the background when they bring up James," Sirius said.

**Ron: Hagrid, that's a good one.**

**Remus: No, it's not Hagrid. It's not Hagrid.**

The students laughed.

**_Expecto Pa-_**

**Umbridge: Hold on. What the spell is going on here? Remus Lupin, sounds like you were about to teach this bunch of chillrens a Patronus. Snaaape! Tell me Snape: is the Patronus even on the curriculum for chubby little first years?**

"No," said Snape. "It's not even on the curriculum for seventh years."

**Snape: Why no.**

**Umbridge: Is that so?**

**Remus: What do you want, Umbridge?**

**Umbridge: Well, I was just walking around the school, observing teachers in the classroom environments and I heard some pretty terrible accusations about you, Remus.**

**Remus: Cho, I said I was joking!**

"Oh Godric," Remus muttered, facepalming as the rest of the group laughed.

**Umbridge: I heard that you don't even use the proper textbook in your daily lessons.**

**Remus: Well, Umbridge, that textbook is like a thousand years old! It still refers to Dementors as ringwraiths.**

Hermione and Harry laughed. Everyone else ignored them.

**Umbridge: So, you're smarter than whoever wrote this book?**

**Remus: No.**

**Umbridge: You're smarter than Merlin?**

Everyone started to laugh again.

**Remus: No.**

**Umbridge: I don't approve of your hands-on approach in the classroom Remus.**

**Remus: Again, Cho, I was joking!**

Remus huffed.

**Umbridge: And then there's that Daily Prophet article that said that you eat shit?**

**Remus: That was a candy bean that tasted of shit!**

**Students –gasp-**

**Remus: I mean poopy, guys, please!**

"You guys need to calm down whenever my musical self cusses. Umbridge des it all the time and it's fine."

**Umbridge: Well, Remus, the point that I'm trying to make is that your ass is fired.**

"Figures."

**Remus: What?**

**Umbridge: Dumbledore may have taken pity on you because you're a worthless little piece of poo, but there is no room in my school for a washed-up little toilet turd like you. Now you get twenty minutes to get out of my castle.**

"I'm not a washed up little toilet turd..."

**Students: -yelling at Umbridge-**

**Umbridge: Who disrespecting Umbridge? -students stop-**

**Neville: Goodbye, Professor.**

**Cho: Too bad you were joking Professor, 'cause I could have been your greatest adventure.**

Remus paled as everyone else started to laugh really hard at what Cho was instinuating.

**Snape: Well, I'll get the door for you.**

**Remus: You must be happy now, Snape.**

**Snape: Look at my face Remus, does it look happy to you? Lupin got fired, Lupin got fired, Lupin got fired!**

"Well, no need to act so immature about it."

**Remus: Stop, alright, Snape! Listen, you win okay? Just take care of the kids for me and I'm sorry that we made fun of you for all those years.**

Remus glanced at Snape. Snape glanced at Remus. Both looked away.

**Snape: Yes, well, so am I.**

**Remus: Well, see ya.**

**Snape: Bye.**

"Productive scene," Ron commented.

"Yeah," Ginny agreed.

"Next scene!"

**Please Review!**


	19. Act 2 Scene 2

**OHMYGODRIC, GUYS I'M SORRY IT'S BEEN THREE WEEKS. BUT REAL LIFE SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE EVERYTIME I FINALLY FOUND TIME TO WRITE. ****But the good news is, I have three chapter for you today! YAY!**

**AND HOLY POSEIDON, 220 REVIEWS! -faints- YOU NINJAS ARE SO TOTALLY AWESOME.**

**Enjoy your chapters!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own HP or Starkid's musicals.**

* * *

Act 2 Scene 2

**Umbridge: Now girls, now that we got rid of that no-good Lupin, guess who gets to be your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher?**

**Snape: Me?**

**Ron: Snape?**

"The horror," Ginny shuddered. Snape glared at her.

**Umbridge: No me, your Mama. Hehehehehe. And I'm gonna teach you real good with the help of this.**

**Students: -Gasp-**

"Oh my Merlin," Harry looked horrified.

"She can't actually use that on us," Hermione said firmly. "She can't."

**Seamus: What is that?**

**Umbridge: Oh this? Well I like to call this "Mamma's Little Love Hand." I use it to give tough lovin' to all my childrens. You childrens are gonna learn your lessons twice as fast with the help of Mama's Love Hand!**

"She can't do that!" Gnny cried.

**Hermione: STOP! You can't do that, it's abuse. Why if you hurt anyone I'll, I'll…**

"Hermione to the rescue!"

"Shut up, Ron."

"Yes, Hermione."

**Umbridge: You'll what?**

**Hermione: I'll tell the Wizard Cops and you'll be fired! AH!**

"A feather? Where'd the..." Ginny trailed off when she saw a glimpse of it with Snape.

Malfoy raised an eyebrow. "Really, sir?"

**Umbridge: You know what? You're right. You're right, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You know what I think? I think that maybe you should be the Headmaster. Is that what you think? You wanna be in charge? You wanna be the mama? You want my job?**

"No."

**Hermione: No, I'm just a little girl. –head is grabbed-**

**Umbridge: I don't like you Granger! I don't like the way that you don't like yourself. Because you know what I see when I look at you? I see myself at your age.**

Hermione looked sick at this statement. "Oh God, e_w_."

**Hermione: Oh God!**

**Umbridge: Pathetic…Lonely…**

**Hermione: Ugly!**

"Hermoine, you're not pathetic, lonely, or ugly," Ron frowned at the thought of Hermione thinking that of herself.

Hermione blushed. "Thanks, Ron."

**Umbridge: You calling me ugly girl?**

**Hermione: NO!**

**Umbridge: You're the one that's ugly! You're the one that's ugly, not me! Not me! I'm gonna help you girl. I'm gonna help you. I'm gonna suck you right up into my womb and I'm gonna spit you back out and you're gonna be a red-hot titanium baby with diamond teeth.**

"That is so gross."

**But before I can recreate you, I must destroy you. Now, lift up your skirt so your mama can love your bottom until it bleeds!**

Hermione shook her head, making her bushy hair bounce all over the place. "No, no, that's fine. I don't need that. Nope. Not me."

**Ron: Leave her alone!**

**Seamus: Yeah! -students yell at Umbridge-**

**Umbridge: QUIET! Why you guys being so mean to me?**

"Gee, I don't know, maybe because you're a bitch?" Harry said sarcastically. The other students and the twins nodded in agreement.

**Snape: Alright, alright, that's enough. As much as I would like to see some of these bastards beaten -points to Harry- It's against the rules. Besides, it's time for Potions class and I've made a fun lesson we can all enjoy. Come on everyone, let's go to the dungeons. Yay!**

"No yay," Fred said.

"Not for the dungeons," George finished.

**Students: Yay!**

**Umbridge: Fine, but this whole class gets detention.**

**Students: Aw!**

**Ron: Thanks Hermione! God.**

"That is so not my fault."

**Hermione: What?!**

**Umbridge: Oh, Potter, you hold up a second. I wanna have a word with you. Have you gotten any letters from Big D?**

**Harry: I don't even know who that is.**

"Isn't it Dumbledore?"

**Umbridge: Don't toy with me boy, it's Dumbledore! I know you're helping Sirius Black and I know you're helping Dumbledore. So, I'm gonna ask you one time, where's he hiding?**

"I wouldn't know."

**Harry: I don't know. Even if I did, I wouldn't tell you.**

**Umbridge: Well, you're just a Dumbledore man through-and-through aren't you?**

"Yeah," Harry said proudly.

**Harry: Yeah, that's right.**

**Umbridge: You think the school is bad now? I haven't even started.**

**Harry: I'm not afraid of you! You're a teacher, you can't hurt me. Do your worst.**

Everyone that knew Harry well groaned.

"Harry, you never say that to a teacher. Ever." Sirius said.

**Umbridge: Oh I will. -cracks finger- **

"That's a bit creepy," Ginny said.

**See you in hell Harry Potter.**

**Harry: Lupin! Hey, Lupin.**

**Remus: Hey, Harry…**

**Harry: Hey I'm sorry about you getting fired. You still had so much to teach us.**

**Remus: Oh, that's alright Harry, my last lesson was how to get yourself fired. –pulls out a flask-**

Sirius burst out laughing. "Merlin, Remus! Musical yoiu is awesome! You never drink!"

**Harry: Geez, Lupin have you been drinking this whole past two minutes?**

**Remus: Yup. It's part of the lesson. Oh, god…damn it.**

"I feel really bad for him."

**Harry: Oh um, if it's any consolation, you were always my favorite teacher.**

"You were everyone's favorite teacher," Harry stated. Lupin smiled at him fondly.

**Remus: I know that's probably why she fired me you little creep! Ah, Harry, sorry it's not your fault, probably everybody's favorite teacher. –pulls out another flask- _Alohomora._**

Sirius started laughing again, and this time Remus slapped him with a pillow.

**Harry: So Lupin, this place, this whole place has just gone to the dogs, what are we gonna do?**

"Oh Godric, now i'm quoting Malfoy," Harry made a face.

"Technically, Malfoy's quoting you. He said it in second year. You're in first year right now." Hermione said.

**Remus: I don't know. Oh, you want me to say something. Um, the important thing is that you always stick by your friends no matter what!**

"Yes, Ron, stick by your friends." Ginny said. Ron's ears burned red at the reminder of fourth year.

**Harry: Well, maybe you should go visit your friend, Sirius Black, and let him explain what's been going on…**

**Remus: No! No, listen, Sirius Black is not a friend. He's a traitor, alright? Well, my time's up, hey. Oh.**

**Harry: Well, guess you can have this old thing back.**

**Remus: Thanks Harry, probably use it as a blanket or a house, now that I'm unemployed and homeless.**

"Do I have to bring that up?"

**Harry: You take care of yourself, Lupin, okay?**

**Remus: Hey Harry, hey Harry, hey, you take care of yourself too, okay? Oh yeah, hey Harry, full moon coming up, okay? So stay indoors, alright? Or I'll eat ya. -laugh- I'll eat ya! See ya!**

Remus sighed. Eating someone was not something to laugh about.

"Well, that was nice. Next scene!"

**Please Review!**


	20. Act 2 Scene 3

**Second chapter in your three chapters present. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer:** **Like I wrote before, I don't own anything.**

* * *

Act 2 Scene 3

**Umbridge: This is my office now, Team Jacob Headquarters complete. Tell me Sorting Hat, are you Team Edward or Team Jacob?**

"What are these Teams for?" Hermione asked.

Ginny studied her paper. "The girl says that it's from these romance novels called Twilight. It's a love triangle between a human named Bella, a vampire named Edward, and a werewolf named Jacob. The fans who like Jacob are Team Jacob and the fans who like Edward are Team Edward. Then she wrote that-" Ginny cut herself off abruptly and started laughing.

"Why are you laughing? What's so funny?" Ron asked.

Ginny calmed down for a moment and picked up the paper, which had fallen to the floor. She read it again before saying, "Can't tell you. But I can show Harry, apparently." She handed the paper to said person, who read it and almost fell off his seat laughing. Ginny giggled as she pocketed the paper.

Ron huffed and turned back to the screen. Ginny smiled at him, then glanced at Hermione, who was sneaking looks at Ron every now and then. She patted the paper in her pocket.

_Personally, I'm Team Romione._

**Sorting Hat: I'm Team Dumbledore!**

"A good team to be on."

**Umbridge: What? Dumbledore ain't a fictional character. You know what, you old hat, you old hat, you know what I'm gonna do with you? I'm gonna stick you in an old hat box 'cause that's what you do with an old hat!**

**Sorting Hat: No, NO, NO! Tell Scarfy I love him!**

"I like that. Can I pair them together?"

**Umbridge: Oh I will…not. Hehehehehe. Hehehehehe. Durdurdurdurdur. Gosh, what a day. Being a mama sure is tough work isn't it Jacob? Especially when all your childrens are just so misbehaving. Why do they gotta be so mean to their mama? I'm just trying to love them. Now Harry Potter, he's just the worse of them all. Playing that little guitar, making fun of his mama, just makes me so sad; so very-very sad—hungry. Oh, a cheesecake. **

"Isn't she not allowed to eat cheesecake?" Fred asked.

"I think so." George answered.

**I wonder where that came from? Oh that's right, it's from my induction ceremony as Headmaster of Hogwarts. But I thought I threw that away? I'm not allowed to eat cheesecake, just protein shakes, falcon eggs, and rocks. Well, I guess a little bite wouldn't hurt anybody.**

**Mama: Dolores.**

"Who's that?"

**Umbridge: Huh?**

**Mama: Dolores…**

**Umbridge: Who said that?**

**Mama: Dolores Jane Umbridge…**

**Umbridge: Mama?**

**Mama: Dolores, you put down that cheese…cake.**

MAlfoy's eyes widened, "No way is that Umbridge's mother."

**Umbridge: Mama, what are you doing here? I thought you were dead.**

**Mama: Dolores, I came down from Heaven above to help you straighten out these chillins.**

Ron scoffed. "Heaven? Doubt it."

**Umbridge: What? I…I don't need your help. This is my house now, I don't want your help. I hate you!**

**Mama: Hate me? You're just like me.**

"From Umbridge;s description of her mother they do sound very similar..." Hermione mused.

**Umbridge: I am nothing like you! I'm cool.**

"Suuure."

**Mama: Oh yeah? Those little chillin's don't seem to think so. I heard that Harry Potter slam behind your back…that you were a chubby little _.**

**Umbridge: But I am a chubby little _!**

Everyone laughed at the truth of the statement.

**Mama: Dolores, you listen to your mama now. Get up girl, get on up! Now the only way you're gonna fight these chillin's is with love. Do you love them enough to scold them?**

**Umbridge: Yes, I love them so much.**

"Scoldings aren't as bad as beatings, at least."

**Mama: Do you love them enough to whack their bottoms?**

**Umbridge: Yes, Mama, anything!**

"Nevermind then."

**Mama: Do you love them enough to kill them?**

**Umbridge: Well, yeah, I think I do.**

"I don't want to die!"

"Harry, shut up. None of us want to die."

**Mama: Yup, that might straighten that Harry Potter out. He might even be better off.**

**Umbridge: Yeah, you're dead an you're just fine. Why didn't I think of that before?**

**Mama: Because it's crazy.**

**Umbridge: Yeah! Ooo, uh oh, I'm crazy now, aren't I Mama?**

"She's always been crazy," Remus muttered.

**Mama: I wouldn't be here if you wasn't.**

**Umbridge: But how do I kill the children? I don't want to hurt them.**

"THEN DON'T KILL US!" Harry shouted.

**Mama: Oh, there's lots of ways.**

**Umbridge: Yeah, you mean like with this ax that I've been sharpening all day? I don't remember doing that, but I must have. Yeah, I'll kill Harry Potter and then my boyfriend Dumbeldore is gonna see how powerful I am and then we'll probably get married!**

Dumbledore shook his head.

**Mama: That a girl Dolores. You make me some grandbabies and we'll straighten them out too.**

**Umbridge: Okay, Mama, I will! Bye, I hate you! Durdurdurdurdurdur!**

**Snape: What the devil is going on here?**

**Umbridge: Oh, hey Snape.**

"Professor Snape should help us," Hermione said hopefully.

Harry snorted, "Keep dreaming Hermione. The day Snape helps me is the probably the day he dies."

"Even then he'll probably just be trying to save himself," Ron added.

"We even saw it happen in that one scene in A Very Potter Musical," Ginny chimed in.

Snape scowled at their comments.

Dumbledore shook his head sadly. Oh, Harry. If only you knew.

**Please Review!**


	21. Act 2 Scene 4

**Last chapter of the day. Hope you like it :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own HP or AVPS.**

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Act 2 Scene 4

**Snape: Why have you called me out of bed at this—where did the poster of Headmaster Zefron go?**

"Oh, now it makes sense that Dumbledore has the poster in his office. He's a former headmaster." Hermione muttered to her self. Everyone shot her a look before turning back towards the screen again.

**Umbridge: I don't care for Zac Efron. Taylor Lautner's my man.**

Ginny pulled out her paper. "That's the guy who plays Jacob in the Twilight films."

"We figured."

**Snape: What do you want, you horrid bitch?**

"Go musical Snape!"

**Umbridge: Well Snape, it's Potter. I think he knows where Dumbledore's hiding and he's not telling me and there's this stupid rule that won't let me discipline the children. I just wish there was some way that I could get my boyfriend and kill Harry Potter.**

"Or you could just do neither one of those." Harry offered.

**Snape: Are you suggesting that we kill a student?**

**Umbridge: Of course not Snape, that would be crazy. We can't have crazy people running the school.**

"Because all sane people rub axs affectionately." Hermione roled her eyes.

**But maybe if someone who also hated Harry Potter could get him for me…**

**Snape: Don't look at me.**

**Lucius: No, look at me.**

"Is it necessary for him to dance everytime he has an entrance?" Malfoy groaned.

**Umbridge: Lucius Malfoy, what are you doing here?**

**Lucius: I couldn't help but overhear your conversation and I wanted to know if you were interested in a role in the evil scheme I've just choreographed?**

"It's a murder plot, not a musical plot."

**Umbridge: Well, what's the part?**

**Lucius: It's a meaty supporting villain role.**

"Perfect for her then." Sirius said.

**Umbridge: Go on.**

**Lucius: You say that you want to find Dumbledore and have unspeakable things happen to Harry Potter. Well, I can give you those things for a very small price.**

**Umbridge: I'm listening.**

**Lucius: First, you let my Death Eaters into Hogwarts. Our presence here must remain an absolute secret. Next, you lure Harry Potter someplace where I can have him alone. He must be alone. That is of the upmost importance. I would have done this myself already if he went anywhere without that ginger and that filthy Mudblood girlfriend of his.**

"Don't call her a Mudblood," the Gryffindors said immediately.

"And she's not my girlfriend," "Harry said. "I don't even like her like that."

**Umbridge: Fine. That takes care of Potter, but what about Dumbledore?**

**Lucius: You say Potter knows where Dumbledore is hiding? Well, before I finish him off I'll use every torture imaginable to loosen his tongue.**

Harry winced.

**Umbridge: Yeah, and then I get my boyfriend Dumbledore. He's probably out buying me presents, he's really sweet. I'm gonna find and crush that criminal.**

"I really doubt that hes buying her presents."

**Lucius: Yes…and once you have Dumbledore, Potter is mine!**

**Umbridge: Fine, it's a deal.**

**Snape: Oh, this all so illegal! If anyone were to report this sort of business to the Ministry, you both would go to Azkaban.**

**Umbridge: Well, that's why no one is going to report it, right Snape?**

"Yeah, Snape, turn them in."

**Lucius: Come now Severus, you better than anyone know what kind of people the Potters are. Their arrogance knows no bounds. Something simply must be done about them for their will always be guys like Potter.**

"Here comes a song about the Potter arrogance," Harry rolled his eyes.

**(singing) There are so many douchebags in the world. Yes, so many douchebags get the girls. Who deserved more than absolutely anything that any charm or potion could ever bring? But men like that, they have her on a string and they don't care. For there will always be guys like Potter, to realize tears in your eyes because he got her. She'll never ever know how much you'd have brought her if you'd only done something more for the one back when you were young…**

Snape's expression turned dark and Remus looked at him sympathetically. Harry looked confused.

**James: Hey, Sour Grapes, _Expelliarmus_ – _Impedimenta_! So how'd the exam go, butt-trumpet?**

Harry frowned as he thought back to the memory of his father bullying Snape.

**Lily: Leave him alone!**

**James: Lily Evans…**

**Lily: What's poor Severus ever done to you, Potter?**

**James: Well, it's more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean?**

**Lily: You think you're funny James but you're not. You're just an arrogant, bullying douchebag.**

"Toerag," Sirius corrected automatically."

**James: Uh, tell you what Evans, I'll leave Snape alone if you go on a date with me.**

**Lily: Ugh, you are such an asshole! It's so charming.**

Snape glared at the screen.

Remus and Sirius frowned. "That's not how it went at all."

**James: Cool, well, I'll pick you up at eight then.**

**Lily: Okay.**

**James: We can hang out with my best friend, Sirius Black. You're lucky that Evans was here, wiener jacket.**

**Snape: I don't need help from a filthy little Mudblood like her!**

Harry frowned as Hermione gasped. "I can't believe you would call her that! After she helped you!"

Snape looked pained as he recalled that particular incident.

**Lily: Fine, I won't help in the future. Come on James.**

**Snape: No wait, I'm sorry. I'm sorry! I'M SORRY!**

His beautiful Lily, no longer his with one stupid, careless mistake.

**(singing) So many assholes in this place, so many assholes in my face! Why can't they leave me alone to love princesses, maids, and queens? They wouldn't ever be in between.**

**Both: We treat them nice and never be mean and we would care, but there will always be guys like Potter. Who'll quench the flame like it's a game with drops of water. He'll never ever think her perfect as I/you thought of her.**

**Lucius: But now you're alone left to pout and moan 'cause you were totally pwned.**

**Snape: Alright, let's do it.**

"I'm so confused," Harry said.

"Stay that way," Snape growled, before standing up and stomping towards his room, robes billowing behind him.

Harry stared after him. "Weird."

"Just leave him be for now, Harry. He will come back out in due time. For now, let us start the next scene." Dumbledore said. Harry gave the door Snape disappeared through once last glance before turning back to the musical.

**Please Review!**


	22. Act 2 Scene 5

**Helloooo! So sorry for the two week wait, but I've been drowning in homework. Good news is that I only have two more weeks until school let's out and then I can write more! YAY! ****Though there might be another two week wait a little into summer, because I'm going to LeakyCon! So excited! :)**

**Also, my fellow Whovians, have you heard the horrible news? Matt Smith is leaving Doctor Who after the 50th Anniversary Special and Christmas Special. IT'S AWFUL.**

**And THANK YOU for all your lovely amazing reviews, ninjas! You're way too kind.**

**One last thing: This story is in two communities! When did this happen?**

**Disclaimer: Ahahahahaha, you think I own this? Ha, you're funny. If I owned this, it would be terrible.**

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Act 2 Scene 5

**Neville: Gents, gents, take a look at today's Prophet!**

**Ron: NO! NO, no more Prophets, enough of that shit.**

"Finally, I say something good," Ron said.

**Hermione: Oh no.**

**Ron: What is it?**

**Dean: Gather 'round, y'all.**

**Hermione: Harry, you're not going to want to see it.**

"Now I'm going to have to see it. Thanks Hermione."

**Harry: "Ministry of Magic sentences Sirius Black to death by way of the Dementor's Kiss?" Bogus! Mondo Bummer.**

**Dean: That's not the worst part of it. Anyone read the next few sentences?**

**Hermione: "To administer the Kiss, a force of 1000 Dementors will be sent to Hogwarts, where after carrying out the execution, they will remain a new permanent security force…under the direct control of Headmaster Dolores Umbridge."**

"That is awful," Fred said.

"She would be terrible," George agreed.

**Cho: This is the absolute worse!**

**Dean: Umbridge gone turned the school into a prison.**

**Ron: It's over, she won.**

"You give up a lot, don't you, Weasley?" Malfoy looked slightly amused as he asked the question.

Ron turned red and stood up. Hermione put a hand on his arm.

"Don't, Ron," she said softly. Ron looked at her for a moment before sitting down, glaring at the pale blonde.

**Umbridge: Attention, all Hogwarts students-dis Umbridge. Will all those nasty little First Years who have detention this evening please report immediately to the Owlery. Your duties this evening will include restocking the bird seed supplier, getting eggs from the meanest and angriest owls, and scrubbing bird shit off the floor. Bring your toothbrushes. Failure to attend detention will result in some serious tough love consequences. So, get moving everyone.**

"Wow...that's pretty bad. Not as bad as the blood quill, but still pretty bad." Harry said. everyone who had seen the harm a blood quill ould do to a person scowled at the mention of it.

**Everyone, except for the famous Harry Potter. Potter, your detention will be held with me tonight, so please report to my office immediately. Alone. Alright, that's all, bye. Have fun! Dur dur dur dur dur.**

"Huh, I onder if she'll use the blood quill. I'd like to see their interpretation of it," Harry mused.

"She might use her Love Hand thing," Hermione said.

"...that would be pretty bad too."

**Hermione: Harry, I don't like the sound of this. Why does she want to meet you alone?**

**Ron: Yeah, why don't you have to clean up bird shit like the rest of us?**

Ginnyrolled her eyes. "Of course you would say that, Ron."

**Hermione: No, what is she does something horrible to you?**

**Harry: She can't, she's a teacher. Besides, maybe I can talk to her about Sirius. She can't just sentence someone to death who's innocent.**

"This is Umbridge. She thinks she can do whatever she wants."

**Hermione: I don't think she cares if he's innocent or not.**

"Exactly," Hermione smirked in agreement with her musical self.

**Harry: She has too a****ny sane, reasonable person would.**

"Too bad Umbridge isn't eiher of those," Remus snorted.

**Besides, I don't know what I would do if I wouldn't be able to hug or kiss Sirius Black, my best adult friend, ever again. I have to try. I'll see you guys.**

"Erm, Harry, that sounds a tad bit weird."

"I realize, Sirius."

**Ron: Good Luck.**

**Hermione: Be careful.**

**Snape: -hums drunkenly- Oh Potter, Potter...just the boy I wanted to see. Sit down, duuude.**

"Oh my Godric," Hermione blinked. "Is he drunk?"

"He is! Oh Merlin, this is great." Ginny giggled.

"Dude, that is so awesome," Harry grinned.

"Have you two ever seen Snape drunk before?" Ron directed his question at Remus and Sirius.

The older men laughed.

"Once," Remus said. "Very terrifying."

"NO way," Sirius looked astonished. "It was not scary. AT ALL. It was HILARIOUS."

"For you maybe," Remus muttered.

"Okay, I have to know." Harry looked at Sirius straight in the eye. "What happened?"

Remus and Sirius shared a glance before Sirius launched into the story of the time Severus Snape got drunk. Meanwhile, Fred and George were up to their usual shennanigans.

"I bet it's butterbeer," George looked at his twin.

"No way. You can't get drunk off butterbeer. We tried that, remember?" Fred smiled.

"Yeah, I remember. But this musical is crazy. It's definitely butterbeer."

"You're on." The two shook hands just as Remus and Sirius finished their story and Snape walked back into the room. Everyone stared at him, but he just sat back down and acted like nothing had happened, refusing to look anyone in the eye.

**Harry: Listen, I gotta go to Umbridge's office.**

**Snape: Right now, can't you wait? Come on Potter, I'm a teacher, you have to listen to me. You, you have to listen to me or I'll expel you. I'll expel you right now. Sit down. ****Want a beer?**

"What, exactly is my character doing?" Snape growled.

"Ah, your character is um, drunk and wants to talk to Harry. While you're drunk," Hermione said nervously. Snape sighed.

**Harry: Ah, no, that's okay.**

**Snape: Ah, no come on man, don't let be the only one drunk and all. -drinks butterbeer-**

Remus and Sirius snickered.

**Harry: Alright. -reaches for butterbeer-**

**Snape: Hey, those are mine! -moves the botterbeer- **

"HA!" George shouted, jumping up. "I TOLD you he was drunk on butterbeer!"

"No way!" Fred stared disbelievingly at the screen. "That's impossible!"

"Not even going to ask," Ron muttered.

**Listen, Potter, I andilmeama. I have a dilemamhma. I have a dilemma.**

**Harry: What's your dilemma?**

**Snape: I'm promised Dumbledore I would protect the school, but the thing is Potter, I hate you.**

Harry rolled his eyes. "Gee, thanks sir."

**I hate you so much, you know what I mean?**

**Harry: Yeah, I hate you too, Snape.**

Harry nodded in agreement with his musical self.

**Snape: But it's not fair really because it's your dad I sure hated. And I was in love with your mum, but I had a butt trumpet.**

Snape scowled and Harry looked awkwardly at the ceiling.

**My butt went: boop boop, boop boop, boop boop. And she chose him over me! You know how that is?**

**Harry: I don't know what you're talking-**

**Snape: Well, it pisses me off. I mean really _ing pisses me off.**

"It would piss anyone off."

**'Cause I was there for her you know. Like when she needed someone, I was there, waiting like a tool. See, are we gonna snog now? No, okay now? Now? What about now? Well, I'll wait. I'll wait forever, like a tool! I just once, just one time, I wanted to take your mum's boobies and put them on my face and go blublublublublublub!**

Harry looked horrified. Remus and Sirius looked torn between disgusted and amused. Snape scowl darkened. Everyone else laughed their asses off.

**Harry: I don't know what you're talking about. I don't understand anything you're saying, so I'm just going to let you pass out here.**

**Snape: Wait, Potter, what I'm trying to say is that I'm torn up and if you go in there, you're gonna be in big trouble.**

**Harry: Whatever, Snape. Butt Trumpet.**

**Snape: Oh, forget you.**

**Harry: Professor Umbridge, it's me HP, you asked for me to come here. I want to talk to you about something. Hello?**

"A trap. Lovely."

**Lucius: Hello ,boy.**

**Harry: Oh, hi.**

**Lucius: Stupefy!**

"Great. Malfoy Senior. Just what I needed," Harry said sarcastically.

"Well, let's hope you don't die."

"Next scene!"

**Please Review!**


	23. Act 2 Scene 6

**Hey guys! Sorry I didn't update last week (siriusly, I need to stop with the two week waits). I totally meant to update last weekend but my mom dragged me on a last minute shopping trip on Saturday, when I usually write, and I was busy on Sunday. This weekend has also been very very busy for me so far, BUT I managed to squish time in to write for you all! Yay!**

**Thanks for your reviews, ninjas! Love ya :) And a****lso, sorry to the reviewer whose heart I broke because of Matt Smith. MY BAD. SORRY. I HOPE YOU'RE NOT ANGRY.**

**One last thing: I HOPE YOU ALL WATCH TESSA NETTING ON YOUTUBE. I MET HER AND SHE IS ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE AND AMAZING.**

**Okay, now you can enjoy the chapter.**

**Disclaimer: QUIT IT...CH. I ALREADY TOLD YOU I DON'T OWN ANYTHING**

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**Act 2 Scene 6**

**Cho: Alright y'all, that's good. Let's keep up the good work. -spanks Seamus-**

"She should be doing some of the work, too," Hermione frowned.

**Seamus: My pleasure, Miss Chang.**

**Hermione: Cho, could you please help, too?**

Hermione nodded in agreement.

**Cho: Well, I am. I gave my toothbrush to Dean and now he's working twice as hard, bless his heart.**

"Oh, that is so helpful," Ginny drawled sarcastically.

**Hermione: No, Cho we all need to do an equal share of work.**

**Cho: Well, that doesn't seem very fair. You have turned into a little Umbridge, haven't you? Give me that.**

Ron looked annoyed by this comment. "Hermione is nothing like Umbridge. She's smarter, and prettier, and funnier, and..." he trailed off when he saw everyone looking at him, amused. Hermione was blushing.

"Thanks, Ron," she said quietly.

Ron turned pink and muttered what sounded like "you're welcome" before turning back to the screen.

**Ron: Do you want a Redvine?**

**Hermione: No thanks.**

**Ron: What? Does no one want a Redvine? Has the world gone sane?!**

"Doesn't he mean _in_sane?" Sirius questioned.

"No," Remus sighed. "That's the point, Sirius."

"Oh. I knew that."

"Then why'd you ask?"

"Um..."

"Exactly."

**God! You're not like Umbridge, if that's what's bothering you.**

**Hermione: Oh yeah? We're both ugly, we're both bossy and nobody likes us!**

"That is not true," Harry scowled at the screen.

**Ron: Eh, so what? So you share same similarities, hm? That's like saying Spiderman and Venom are the same because they have the same powers and the same costume. No, no, no, no, but Venom let his bitterness and hatred of the world turn him into an asshole a long time ago. Spiderman would never do that. **

"Yeah, you go, Ron," Harry nodded appreciatively.

"Harry, you realize that no one other than you gets this analogy, right?" Hermione asked.

"...yes."

"Okay, just making sure."

**Even though the Bugle is always printing all this crap about him, and Iron Man was just so mean to him, Sandman killed his poor Uncle Ben. **

Harry blinked. "What? He did?"

Everyone around him shrugged.

**It's like Spiderman is so full of-of love that he would never let any of that ruin him. And that redhead, Mary-Jane, she cares a lot about him. **

Harry perked up at the mention of the girl. "Mary-Jane? She's one of my favorite characters!"

The group looked at him weirdly, and slowly scooted a few inches away from him.

**Even if he is just a nerdy, potato-faced loser. And she knows, deep down, miles beneath those enormous breasts of his…that he's something special.**

Malfoy snorted, and Hermione raised an eyebrow. "Really, Ron? Really?"

"It's not me!"

**Hermione: Yeah, he's like my second-favorite superhero.**

Harry gaped at the bushy-haired friend. "Second?!"

Hermione shrugged. "Well, yeah. I think my favorite is probably Batman because I find it really inspiring that he-"

Harry clapped his hands over his ears, just like his musical self did several scenes ago. "I don't want to hear about any superhero that isn't Spiderman."

Hermione looked a little offended. "Well, then you shouldn't have asked," she grumbled.

**Ron: Second? –looks angry-**

**Hedwig: Honk, honk! Meow, message for Hermione Granger.**

"I thought Hedwig was a bird..."

"She is."

**Hermione: Oh, birdie, I'm Hermione Granger.**

**Hedwig: Oh, here you go. (Pffft.) You missed a spot.**

Fred and George burst out laughing. The others looked amused.

"Oh Merlin, we should do that to someone!" Fred grinned at George, who grinned right back.

"Hell yeah!"

**Hermione: Thanks.**

**Ron: What's it say?**

**Hermione: It says. "Harry Potter is in grave danger." Oh no, "Meet me by the Divination class as soon as you can. Signed, Little D."**

"Little Dumbledore!" the Gryffindors shouted. Dumbledore smiled mysteriously, as if he knew something the others didn't (which, you know, he always does).

**Ron: Little D, ugh, Little D? Little…**

**Ron and Hermione: Dumbledore!**

"Took us long enough," Hermione muttered.

**Hermione: I knew Umbridge was going to hurt Harry. Well, we have to go right now.**

**Ron: Okay.**

**Hermione: Here we are, Professor Dumbledore!**

**Ron: Dumbledore! Where is he?**

**Hermione: I don't know. The note said he'd be here. Where are you Little D?**

**Draco: In case you were wondering, -somersaults and stands- the D stands for my wiener.**

"Malfoy?!" The Gryffindors gaped as they said the name at the same time as musical Ron and Hermione did. Dumbledore smiled in that creepy way of his because he knew, obviously, that Little D was Draco all along.

**Ron and Hermione: Malfoy?**

**Hermione: What are you doing here?**

**Ron: Come to turn us in to Umbridge, huh?**

**Draco: No, why would I do that after I took all that trouble to bring you here? Friends…**

"We aren't friends," Ron, Hermione, and Malfoy all said at the same time. They glared at each other.

**Hermione: Little D, Little Draco! No, I don't get it.**

"Neither do I," Hermione said.

**Ron: Yeah, we're not friends here.**

**Draco: Maybe not…yet. Listen! The Draco Malfoy you know and love is currently bedridden with heartache in the Slytherin dorms. The Draco Malfoy that stands before you today you may love, but you hardly know. Get ready, I'm about to blow your minds. I'm from…the future.**

"WHAT?!"

**Ron and Hermione: -gasp- WHAT?**

**Draco: Yes, the distant future of 2009.**

"2009?" Hermione's eyes were wide. "That's thirteen years from now!"

"Wow," Ron looked stunned. "That makes me feel kind of old."

**Ron: That's one year from now.**

"So does that."

**Hermione: But how and why?**

**Draco: How and why indeed Miss Granger. It turns out something very important happens next year. I can't tell you what, but as consequence my father-**

**Hermione: Lucius Malfoy.**

**Draco: The very same. It turns out my father has travelled back in time with a gang of Death Eaters. And their mission? To kill Harry Potter. When I found out of their evil plot, I stowed away in my father's fanny pack so I could stop them.**

"Are you really so small that you had to hide in your dad's fanny pack?" Ginny looked like she was trying her hardest not to laugh, unlike everyone else. Malfoy just looked cross.

**Ron: Oh yeah, why do you want to help Harry all of the sudden?**

**Draco: Because, in the future, I'm really nice now. **

Those who had seen the first musical laughed, while the others looked quite confused.

**I'm the most popular boy in school, even Harry Potter likes me. Haven't you noticed how I've tried to help you all year? I mean first I managed to track down Harry's Invisibility Cloak and I sent it to Sirius Black so he could escape Azkaban and come to Hogwarts.**

"Oh yeah, didn't Sirius have a note from Little D?" Fred asked.

"Yep." George answered.

**Hermione: That's right, he had a note from Little D! It looks like Dumbledore wasn't helping Sirius, he was covering for us. But, wait, where have you been all year?**

**Draco: I've been living in the Forbidden Forest, hiding amongst the centaurs. When they learned of my knowledge of the future, they made me their leader and worshipped me as a new god.**

"So that's who Firenze was talking about!" Sirius exclaimed.

**Hermione: You're the leader Firenze talked about. You sent him that night to save us in the Forbidden Forest.**

**Draco: Indeed I did. I've worked hard to keep my presence in the past a secret for fear of disrupting the space-time continuum. But, my father has captured Harry Potter, and I had to seek help. I'm going to come at him with every second-year spell I know. We're talking Squishy-Toushy Charms, Tickling Hexes, and maybe, if I'm feeling especially cruel, a Bubble Head Charm.**

"How horrible." Harry rolled his eyes.

"Trust me, Potter, I could do a lot worse." Malfoy said darkly.

**Hermione: Well, if Harry's in trouble we're there.**

**Ron: I don't know. I mean the Draco we know always has an ulterior motive.**

**Draco: How strange, I have no ulterior motive.**

Hermione looked disgusted as musical Draco stretched and put his arm around her musical self, and Ron looked angry.

**Hermione: Harry's in trouble. We have to think of a plan. I'll try to think of something. Come on, let's go. Oh and Draco, thank you. You're very brave.**

Hermione looked relieved. "For a second I thought she was going to kiss him. I mean her."

"That'd be awkward."

**Draco: Got a problem, Weasley?**

**Ron: No.**

**Draco: No? Looks like you have a little one. Maybe a tad jealous? Maybe because I'm an older, more mature man who can use the potty and everything? Or maybe, maybe this will make you jealous. Yes, it is a crayon drawing of Hermione and mine's wedding.**

"I'm not going to be jealous of you, Malfoy."

**Ron: Why are you guys wearing spacesuits? And why is the priest a talking lion?**

**Draco: Those are mature things you wouldn't understand.**

"Pigfarts!"

**Ron: Yeah, whatever.**

**Draco: Just so you know, in the future, you don't get her. So don't even try, Weasley.**

"But he does get her," Harry said. Ginny patted his arm.

"Yes, but Malfoy is trying to make sure that in the future he can get Hermione, and not Ron."

"Oh."

**Ron: Two things Draco. One, you may be trying to help us but two, -flips Draco off- you're still full of shit. –mimes grabbing Draco's nose, eating it, pooping it (with a poop noise), and putting it back on his face- You have a poop nose now.**

Everyone laughed.

"That's great, Ron," Fred said.

"Can you do that in real life, too?" George asked. But Ron was too busy laughing at a scowling Malfoy to hear the question.

**Draco: Get it off.**

**Ron: Yes, you do.**

**Draco: Get the poo off me!**

"Sucks for you, Malfoy," Harry snickered.

"Whatever," Malfoy muttered. "Can we just get to the next scene?"

**Please Review!**


	24. Act 2 Scene 7

**Thanks for all the reviews, follows, and favorites!**

**Disclaimer: AVPS belongs to Starkid and HP belongs to JKR.**

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Act 2 Scene 7

**Lucius: Alright, Yaxley, now when Harry Potter wakes up you're going to stand in the window between these two and you're going to do that, um, stiff arm movement you're so fond of. And you two, you're going to do this. –does crazy legs- **

"What the hell?"

**Yes, it's going to feel goofy, but it's going to look so _ing good.**

"Um...really?"

**So, be sure that-**

**Harry: Uh…ah…**

**Lucius: Oh, shshshshshsh, places, places, places.**

**Harry: Oh, wipeout…where am I?**

**Lucius: Hello, Potter!**

"Oh my Godric...Harry you aren't really impressed by that, are you?" Hermione stared incredulously at the screen before turning towards who best friend...who was looking a little impressed by dance.

"I don't know, Hermione, it seems pretty cool," Ron said.

Hermione huffed and muttered something about "stupid boys" before settling back down.

**Harry: What a marvelous display! I'm very impressed.**

**Death Eater: Hey Lucius, where do you want these boxes of torturing supplies?**

Harry groaned, "I really don't want to be tortures, we can just skip that part."

"Harry, it's not even you," Ginny pointed out.

"But I'll still feel the pain," Harry protested. "Right here." He pointed at his chest, pouting at her. She rolled her eyes.

**Lucius: Um, just stack them right in here, thanks.**

**Harry: Whoa, wait a second what? Torturing supplies, who are you guys?**

"Death Eaters. Duh."

"Shut up, Potter."

**Lucius: We are men who have lost a great deal because of you Potter. I am Lucius Malfoy and we are the Death Eaters.**

"Obviously." Malfoy drawled in a very Snape-like manner.

**Harry: Whoa, listen look, I know I beat your Dark Lord or whatever when I was a baby but don't you think it's time you guys, uh, got over it?**

**Lucius: This isn't about anything you've done, Potter. It's about what you're going to do.**

Ron chuckled. "You're going to be so confused."

**Harry: But that doesn't make any sense!**

**Lucius: Maybe not to you it doesn't but where I come from, it makes perfect sense. If I had my way, I'd finish you off right here, right now Potter, but I made a deal and you've got information I need. So I will use every torture imaginable to make sure that…-ring- Oh, hold on, that's me. OH MY GOD! Umbridge, stop texting me.**

Hermione snickered. "Even your dad doesn't like Umbridge. Doesn't that tell you something, Malfoy?"

Malfoy ignored her, but looked troubled.

**Umbridge: Did you get my text?**

**Lucius: Yes!**

**Umbridge: Well, you didn't text me back.**

"Who would want to?" Remus asked no one in particular, looking disgusted.

**Oh, looks like you found Potter.**

**Harry: Umbridge, of course you're behind all this.**

**Umbridge: Has he spoken yet?**

"Uh, no. And I doubt I will."

**Lucius: We were just getting started.**

**Umbridge: Well hurry up and make sure you keep your end of the deal because I gave you your little boyfriend, now I want mine.**

Harry gagged. "Oh Merlin, no one ever make that assumption again, Please. That is just so gross." he shuddered.

Malfoy looked green at the thought of his father and his arch-rival. Then again, so did everyone else. (Well, except Fred and George. They were laughing their asses off.)

**I gotta go. Oh, and Potter? I thought that you might like to know that Umbridge has a whole army of Dementors on the way to the castle right now. And they're going to give your friend, Sirius Black, a big fat wet kiss goodbye for you. Then maybe he can say hi to your parents.**

"Now that's just low," Fred said, shaking his head.

"Even Malfoy wouldn't go that far." George agreed.

Harry looked torn between mad and sad, and Sirius had turned red from rage.

**Hehehe, derderder…oh, it's alright it was my fault.**

**Ron (dressed as Death Eater): Oh, no excuse me.**

"That is never going to work, Weasley," Malfoy scoffed.

**Hermione: Ron, I'm scared.**

**Malfoy: This will never work, Weasley.**

Everyone laughed and Malfoy turned red.

"No need to repeat yourself, little cousin," Sirius said, chuckling.

**Ron: Trust me.**

**Lucius: Hey there, who are you guys?**

**Ron: Oh, us? We're the back-up Death Eaters. The Union sent us over.**

Everyone looked towards Hermione for an explanation. She sighed.

"American."

Everyone turned back towards the screen.

**Lucius: Curious…what union?**

**Ron: The one for Death Eaters.**

**Lucius: Mhmm, mhmm, I'm familiar.**

"That doesn't actually exist, right?"

**Ron: Oh, they said before you torture Harry Potter here you're required to take a ten minute break uh, so they sent over some pizza.**

The Gryffindors (including former) snickered. "Can you imagine all the Death Eaters just sitting around eating pizza?" Fred asked.

"I'd pay to see that." George replied.

**Yaxley: Death Eaters work hard. But when we break, _we break_. Give me some of that pizza new guy. What kind of toppings you got on that thing?**

**Ron: Well, you know all your favorites: mushrooms, artichoke hearts, red peppers, and a knuckle sandwich!**

Hermione blinked. "Did that actually work?"

**Yaxley: Ouch, ah, look what you did. Lucius, the new guy punched me.**

**Lucius: Oh, I have a feeling that these aren't new guys at all.**

"Um, duh."

**Yaxley: Hey! What happened to all the pizza? Did it fall through the hole?**

Snape sighed. Yaxley was quite the idiot.

**Lucius: More like new children!**

**Ron, Hermione, Malfoy: Oh!**

Hermione sighed, relieved. "OK=kay, if it had actually worked, I would've been worried."

**Lucius: Come to see your friend get tortured, did you? Well, you'll each have your own chance, you meddling little stinkers!**

**Ron: Well, looks like you caught us. And we were saving this, -brings out pizza box- to celebrate saving Harry. But I guess you guys can have the real pizza.**

**Yaxley: Don't mind if I do. Nothing worse than getting your hopes up for pizza and then when you go to get the pizza you get punched in the fa-**

**Ron: YAH!**

**Yaxley: AH!**

"Not again," Ginny said.

**Ron: Phase 1, complete. Now, phase 2. -throws box at Lucius- Yeah!**

**Hermione: Get Harry! Harry Harry, oh, are you alright?**

**Lucius: Not so fast Potter! Death Eaters, clean up those boxes. Surrender yourself Potter or I'll torture your friend.**

"Malfoy isn't my friend." Harry said at the exact same time Malfoy said, "I'm not Potter's friend."

They stared at each other for a moment before looking away. At the exact same time.

**Draco: No, Daddy. Daddy, it's me. Would you really torture your own son?**

**Lucius: Drahko?**

Everyone laughed.

**Surrender yourself Potter or I'll kill your friend.**

"Poor Drahko," Fred fake sighed.

"It must suck having your dad want to kill you," George said, pretending to look sad.

Malfoy was oddly quiet.

**Harry: Leave Malfoy alone, Malfoy. I do hate Malfoy but he doesn't deserve to die. Looks like I've got no other choice. I'll turn myself in.**

**Hermnione: No, Harry-**

**Snape: Why that's absurd! Bat-Bogey Hex! Jelly-Legs Jinx! –Harry, Ron and Hermione cheer; Draco escapes and messes up Lucius's luscious hair-**

"NOT THE HAIR!" Fred cried out dramatically.

"ANYTHING BUT THE HAIR!" wailed George, falling to the floor.

Everyone laughed at their antics.

**Students: SNAPE!**

"Yeah, why are you doing this?" Harry asked curiously.

Snape ignored him. Don't think of Lily, he thought. Don't think of her.

**Lucius: Severus, you traitor. You'll pay for this.**

**Snape: Put it on my tab. Stupefy!**

The group gaped, and stared at Snape, who continued to ignore them.

**Lucius: WHOA!**

**Harry: Snape, you came to save us!**

**Snape: I sure did. I made a vow to Dumbledore I would protect you kids. Besides, I couldn't let the last trace of Lily Evans be destroyed.**

Everyone looked away from Snape awkwardly.

**You have her eyes, you know? **

Harry smiled.

**Her eyes and...I have to go! **

"Oh, gross."

**Go on kids, I'll fend them off. Yaw!**

**Hermione: Come on, come on we gotta get out of here.**

**Ron: Alright, but first…let's take that piece of garbage down. –goes to take down Taylor Lautner poster-**

"Whoo..."

**Harry: Alright, guys, we gotta go find where they're holding Sirius.**

**Draco: Alright.**

**Harry: Umbridge has a whole army of Dementors on the way to kill him. They're gonna Kiss him, they're gonna find him and Kiss him! Ron, where are you? Come on, man.**

**Draco: Come on, Ron.**

**Ron: It's-it's stuck on there with magic.**

Hermione laughed. "Oh gosh, Ron, you couldn't even take down the poster!"

"Nice improv, though." Ginny said kindly.

**Harry: That's okay.**

**Ron: Don't worry about it.**

"We're trying so hard not to laugh." Harry said.

**Harry: Um, we gotta-wait a second, wait, hold on, um, what the hell is Draco doing here?**

**Hermione: Oh right, Harry this is Draco form the future.**

**Draco: Future.**

**Harry: What?**

**Hermione: Yeah, he's really nice now and you know what we couldn't have saved you without his help.**

"Which is never going to happen in real life, based on the future or not," Harry said.

**Lucius: We mustn't lose them!**

**Hermione: Quick hide!**

**Lucius: Where'd they go?**

**Yaxley: I think they went that way.**

"We're doomed."

**Lucius: No you idiot, there they are!**

"Or not."

**Harry: Geez, what a dumbass. Whatever, let's go save Sirius.**

**Draco: Right!**

"Who do you think they saw?" Hermione asked.

"Whoever it was, I' glad it wasn't you guys," Sirius said.

"Yes, well, I suppose we're going to find out next scene, anyways. It was a pointless question."

"Yes. Yes it was."

**Please Review!**


	25. Act 2 Scene 8

**Hey, ninjas! Sorry, it Sunday (barely, for me). But I stayed up late to get this finished for you guys, because I knew if I waited until tomorrow, well, today now, I would procrastinate and you wouldn't get an update for a while. So yaaaay.**

**If any of you are attending ComicCon, like Joey and Brosenthal, I just want you to know how much I envy you right now.**

**Thanks for the reviews, everyone! I squeal every time I read them...**

**ALSO, I'm curious: what other fandoms are you guys into?**

**Disclaimer: As usual, my diabolical plans to steal the rights have been thwarted. So Jo and Starkid still own it all.**

* * *

Act 2 Scene 8

**Students: Sirius!**

**Sirius: Kids!**

**Ron: Uh, looks like they got a Taylor Lautner poster in here, too.**

"Oh, Ron."

**Harry: It's everywhere now.**

**Ron: They just decorated…**

**Harry: Every single room.**

**Sirius: What're you kids doing here?**

"We're saving you," Ron grinned.

"It's kind of what we do," Harry continued.

"And each and every time is a new near-death experience," Hermione concluded.

**Harry: We've come to break you free.**

**Ron: Yeah, Umbridge is coming with a whole army of Dementors and…and they're gonna Kiss you.**

"That is one thing I would not want a kiss from," Sirius stated seriously.

Harry rolled his eyes, "No shit, Sherlock."

Sirius blinked at him, confused. "Who's Sherlock?"

**Hermione: Stand back. _Alohamora!_**

"First year flashback," Harry smiled.

**Everyone: Ah, magic.**

"We do magic on a daily basis. They can stop with the 'ah, magic!' act now," Hermione said irritably.

**Harry and Hermione: Sirius!**

**Sirius: But if you're seen helping you'll all be in really big trouble.**

**Harry: We don't care. You're innocent.**

"Yeah!" The Trio cheered.

**Sirius: I know, but who's gonna believe a bunch of kids and a no-good washed-up loser like Malboy, and me, the most wanted criminal in the world. I mean, gah, what kind of a dumbass would believe this bunch?**

"Are you calling me a dumbass, Sirius?" Lupin raised an eyebrow at his friend.

Sirius smiled mysteriously, "Maybe, maybe no—ow, okay!" he glared at the former professor, who had just thrown a pillow at him. "No, you're not a dumbass. Happy?"

"Very."

**Remus: This dumb…this dumbass!**

"Musical me is definitely a dumbass."

"But you just—"

"Shut up, Sirius."

**Everyone: LUPIN!**

**Harry: Lupin, Sirius is innocent. If you just let him explain-**

**Remus: Harry, there's no need to explain. I know that he's innocent and I've got proof.**

**Everyone: What? How?**

"Yeah, how?" Ginny asked.

**Remus: This, the Marauder's Map. I was on the Hogwarts Express when I began to get chilly and decided to use it as a blanket.**

Remus smacked his forehead a few times.

**That's when I noticed a name on there that shouldn't have been there, the name of a man who I believed to be long dead: Peter Pettigrew.**

**Sirius: That rat bastard!**

Sirius nodded in agreement with his musical self.

**Harry: Who is that?**

"An evil, best-friend-slash-parent-killing, rat bastard."

**Remus: Harry, long ago your father was friends with Sirius, and best friends with me, but he had another friend.**

"You bring up the best friend thing a lot," George commented.

**Harry: What, that's impossible. You can't have more than two friends.**

Harry smirked a smirk worthy of Malfoy as the musical version of himself pushed musical Draco away.

**Sirius: It was a fatal mistake. Peter Pettigrew betrayed your parents and killed all those people, then he set me up and disappeared.**

Harry and Remus looked down sadly as Sirius clenched his fists.

**Remus: Until now 'cause he's in this room.**

**Students: What? Where?**

**Remus: Looks like…there. -points at Ron-**

**Ron: ME?!**

Everyone turned towards Ron. "Um, I still have Scabbers, right?"

"Or it could mean the poster, and not Weasley. It is behind him." Malfoy pointed out. When everyone turned to look at him his ears turned pink.

"It can't be," Hermione said firmly. "They messed up last scene, remember? The poster isn't supposed to be there."

Malfoy flushed before replying, "Or maybe you were wrong about them messing up, and they just had some sort of inside joke about the poster."

Hermione glared at him. "No. Ron has Scabbers. Scabbers is Pettigrew. End of story."

Malfoy scoffed and turned away. Hermione smiled triumphantly, thinking she had won. Sorry, Hermione. Maybe next time.

**Harry: Ron, how could you, you traitor?**

**Draco: I'll kill him, chaps. Then she'll be all mine.**

Malfoy slapped himself. "Why," he muttered. "must I always bring that up?"

**Ron: No! No, something's wrong. I'm not Peter Pettigrew.**

**Remus: The Map's never wrong Ron, or should I say Peter.**

**Hermione: No! No wait, wait, if you look at the Map Peter Pettigrew's name is on top of Ron. That must mean that Peter Pettigrew is on top of Ron's. –Ron looks up- That must mean that Peter Pettigrew is on top of Ron.**

**Everyone: Scabbers!**

Hermione smirked at Malfoy, who scowled.

**Hermione: He must have magicked himself into a rat.**

**Sirius: That totally makes sense.**

**Ron: Die!**

**Draco: Stop him! –they all stomp on Scabbers-**

**Remus: Well, he put up a fight, but he's dead now.**

"He's stuffed," Fred said.

"That's the point," Ginny sighed.

**Sirius: The nightmare is over.**

**Hermione: Wait, that's weird. The Map says Peter Pettigrew hasn't moved, but it must be wrong.**

**Sirius: No, the Map is never wrong.**

**Everyone who had ever used the map nodded.**

**Poster: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**

"Ha!" Malfoy smirked at Hermione. "I was right."

"Whatever," she muttered, her face bright red.

**Hermione: It's, it's, it's…**

**Everyone: Peter Pettigrew! –Hermione screams-**

**Peter: You finally figured it out. _Expelliarmus_! -tosses ball to Hermione and she tosses it back-**

"There was really zero point in that."

**Sirius: Son of a bitch! I'm gonna drug and kill you!**

"Like everyone thought you were going to do to me."

**How could you betray James and Lily like that?**

**Peter: I know. James was my best friend.**

**Remus: I thought I was your best friend.**

"Seriously, I need to stop with the best friend thing."

**Peter: The Dark Lord, he can be very persuasive. He offered me a robot hand and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.**

"He didn't even get a robot hand in real life," Harry said. "Or a T-shirt for that matter."

**Harry: You're never gonna get away with this. Now that we've found you, Sirius is gonna be free and you're gonna go to Azkaban.**

**Peter: Oh? I've got a better idea. How about I kill all of you and get away scot free?**

"No, thanks. I like musical me's idea better."

**Draco: Um, no, no, no, no, no you should go to jail. We can vote on it? If you—**

**Peter: Vote? Why don't you vote on what's going to be on your tombstone!**

**Harry and Ron: Redvines!**

**Ron: That's it, Redvines. Hey, poster man, wouldn't killing us taste better with a Redvine?**

"Why do you always have to look at the camera when you say 'Redvine'?"

"I don't know, Ginny. This isn't me."

**Peter: Of course, everything tastes better with Redvines.**

"And of course, even the villains like Redvines," Hermione rolled her eyes.

"They are really good," Ron said.

**Ron: Well, here. Why don't you have one?**

**Peter: Alright, Weasley, I'm gonna trust you this time.**

**Ron: Mkay.**

**Peter: But I don't want to see any funny tricks.**

**Ron: No tricks, just treats.**

"Yum, I want Redvines now."

**Peter: I just want you to hold out that delicious red, stick of candy.**

**Ron: It's gonna be right here.**

**Peter: And I want it to just stay right there so I can put my mouth around it. Alright here I go…yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy…**

"He's trying so hard not to laugh…"

**Ron: Stupefy! –Peter falls to the ground-**

"I can't believe that actually worked."

**Ron: Redvines, what the hell can't they do?**

"That is my new catch phrase."

"You never had one to begin with, Weasley."

"Shut up, Malfoy."

**Harry: You did it Ron!**

**Hermione: Ron, that was amazing!**

**Remus: Your poster days are over, Peter. You're going to jail, Crucio. –Peter writhes on the ground a bit-**

Everyone gaped at the screen.

"Did I really just…"

"You did." Sirius confirmed for his friend, who was still staring at the screen in astonishment.

"Don't they realize what an awful curse that is?" Harry said angrily. "I don't believe this!"

**Harry: Wow, Ron, I'm really sorry about your rat.**

**Draco and Hermione: Yeah, sorry.**

**Ron: It's okay. He's been dead for years. –puts Scabbers on shoulder-**

"And yet you still carried it around with you. That desperate for a friend, Weasel?"

"Malfoy, not now," Ron said, still a little shocked about how carelessly the Cruciatus curse was used.

**Remus: Sirius, I'm sorry that I doubted you for all those years.**

**Sirius: How could you think I would betray James and Lily like that? I mean, I was his best friend.**

**Remus: What the hell am I?**

"Aw, poor Moony," Sirius teased.

**Sirius: You thought you were his best friend?**

**Remus: Yeah.**

**Sirius: -Harry tosses Sirius the football- I'll tell you what, there's only one way to settle this. From this moment on, you and me will be the best friends. –he tosses the football to Remus-**

**Remus: That's all I've ever wanted.**

**Sirius: Touchdown. Come here Loopy!**

"That was a sweet ending," Ginny smiled.

"Was anyone else wondering about the Death Eaters? I'm still confused about that," Hermione said.

"Maybe we'll find out next scene," Ron offered.

"Hopefully," Hermione muttered.

**Please Review!**


	26. Act 2 Scene 9

**So ABC Family had another one of its Harry Potter weekend events, and I blame that marathon for not updating yesterday.**

**ALSO, THERE ARE OVER 300 REVIEWS. I LOVE YOU NINJAS AND YOUR TOTAL AWESOMENESS. THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU.**

**Also, thanks for sharing your fandoms! I'm glad most of us share more than just Starkid and Harry Potter. New question: Favorite Starkid and why?**

**Disclaimer: AHAHAHAHAHA if I owned HP or AVPS I'd probably be doing something better with my life than sitting in front of my screen all day...**

* * *

**Act 2 Scene 9**

**Sirius: Oh, it feels so good to hug and kiss you again.**

Everyone laughed as Sirius and Remus turned red.

"Something you'd like to tell us?" Fred teased.

"It's alright, we'll keep your secret," George continued, still laughing.

**Remus: I know, but you know who deserves the kisses? These kids!**

**Sirius: You're right. Ah, Hermione, you did some amazing sleuthing back there. You really are cleverest bitch of your age.**

"I'm not sure if I should thank you are not..."

"You shouldn't," Remus said the same time Sirius said, "You should."

**Hermione: Thanks, that makes me feel really special.**

**Sirius: Good, and you. Ron, the guy who's always helping out…thanks for helping out!**

"Oh, gee, thanks, Sirius."

"You're welcome, Ron."

**Ron: No problem.**

**Sirius: Cool, and little Dracula Fallamoy, you're Little D aren't you?**

"Who the hell is Dracula?" Malfoy asked.

"It's a famous fictional vampire a Muggle wrote about," Hermione answered hesitantly. Malfoy just nodded, which shocked pretty much everyone in the room. Well, except Dumbledore. His eyes just twinkled a bit more.

**Draco: Sure am.**

**Sirius: Get over here. To you, I owe my freedom. What can I do for you Count Chocula?**

Everyone looked towards Hermione again, who shrugged. "Muggles."

**Draco: Well, there's this girl I like, but I'm not 100% positive she likes me back so should I tell her how I feel, perhaps in a letter or a drawing?**

"Ah, no thanks, Malfoy."

"You're talking to my musical self, Granger. She isn't actually here, you know."

"Shut up."

**Ron: Or an angry email?**

**Sirius: No, rule number 1 boys…you never tell a girl that you like her, it just makes you look like an idiot.**

"Figures Sirius would be the one to give advice like that," Remus muttered.

"Hey!"

"Though it did make James look like an idiot," Remus continued, ignoring Sirius. Snape scowled when he heard that.

Meanwhile, the ones who had seen AVPM were laughing.

"I can't believe that came from Sirius!" Ron said.

"Really? I can," Ginny said.

"It does sound like a Sirius thing to say," Harry agreed.

**And you, Harry, while I was rotting away in my cell in Azkaban you know what happy thought kept me going and got me through it? It was you. Thanks for saving me Harry.**

"Aw," the girls cooed. "That is so sweet." Harry and Sirius turned red, though Harry did look faintly pleased.

**Harry: I had to Sirius. You're the only family I have. –they hug-**

**Ron: So what are we going to do with Peter Pettigrew?**

**Sirius: Well, we'll take his ass back to the Ministry and I'll get my charges dropped.**

Harry frowned. If only it was that easy.

**Harry: You're gonna be a free man.**

**Sirius: Sure will.**

"Sure won't," Sirius grumbled.

**Remus: Alright gang, let's hop on some brooms and get to Ministry on the double, okay? We'll let the beautiful full moon light our way—damn it. I mean, shit!**

"Nice one, Lupin," Fred snorted.

"That was a great cover-up, that was," George said.

** –Hermione screams- Ah! My transformation!**

**Sirius: Lupin, my best friend, did you take your potion tonight?**

**Ron: What's happening?**

**Remus: RAH!**

**Sirius: Lupin! You know the man you truly are. This heart is where you live, this heart, right here!**

"I'd say that was a nice speech, but we're about to finally realize what Lupin is..."

**Hermione: Transforming in a full moon? Lupin must be a—a…**

**Students: A Gremlin! –they scream-**

"Oh my Godric," Hermione slapped her forehead. "We are terrible at this."

"I can't believe you guys still haven't gotten it," Ginny muttered.

**Peter: Go long and so long, Team Edward bastards!**

"Team Edward? Like those teams the paper was talking about a few scenes ago?" Hermione asked.

"Yeah," Ginny nodded.

"Oh, that makes sense. Pettigrew came out of the Team Jacob guy's poster, so he's calling us Team Edward bastards as an insult."

"It's not a very good one."

"Probably because we haven't read those Twilight books. I wonder if they're any good."

Just wait until AVPSY, Hermione...

**Harry: No, no he's getting away!**

**Hermione: No, we need him to prove that Sirius is innocent!**

"It's not going to matter if I'm dead," Sirius said.

**Sirius: Well, that's not going to matter if I'm dead!**

Everyone stared at Sirius for a second before bursting into laughter. He pouted.

"Stop repeating yourself, Sirius." Fred chuckled.

"Yeah, we heard you the first time." George grinned.

**Remus, it's Sirius, your best friend. Remember…-gets hit by Remus-**

"Thanks, best friend," Sirius rolled his eyes.

"No problem, best friend," Remus replied cheekily.

**Ron: Oh, we're done for. -hears a wolf call-**

**Harry: What is that? What's that noise?**

**Ron: Hey, hey where's he going? Where's he going?**

**Hermione: Werewolves respond to the call of their own kind. The Forbidden Forest must be crawling with them.**

"Not really," Hermione said. "But at least we finally got that he was a werewolf!"

**Ron: Oh yeah, like the one that chased us on Halloween, that stole Lupin's brooch.**

**Harry: That reminds of his best friend Sirius…**

**Students: Sirius!**

**Ron: Is he dead?**

"You better not be," Harry growled.

**Hermione: Almost.**

**Harry: Come back to me, Sirius!**

**Umbridge: You mean, come back to Umbridge!**

"Oh great, the bitch is back," Ginny groaned.

**I _ing caught you red-handed Harry Potter! I caught you helping Sirius Black and now you're not childrens no more. You're criminals and you're all going to get the Dementor's Kiss!**

"No thanks," Harry said. "I'd really rather not get that. It sounds-"

"Wet?" Ron grinned.

Harry scowled. "I was going to say soul-suckingly terrifying."

"I don't get it," Ginny said, confused.

"Neither do I," Malfoy said.

Ron and Hermione shared an amused look as Harry turned pink. "It's nothing," he said.

**Hermione: Harry, look it's Dumbledore!**

**Dumbledore: UMBRIDGE, STOP! Your beef isn't with these sexy boys, it's with me.**

"Ah, sir, please don't call us sexy. It's kinda creepy," Ron shuddered. Harry and Malfoy nodded in agreement.

Dumbledore smiled serenely. "Don't worry, boys, I won't."

**Umbridge: Dumbledore, did you get my texts?**

**Dumbledore: Yes, I got your texts. I got all 900 of them! You've been clogging my inbox for long enough.**

Hermione blinked. "Um, wow. She's a bit clingy."

"Not just a bit, Hermione." Ron said.

**Umbridge: Well, you didn't text me back.**

**Harry: Umbridge has gone completely crazy.**

"What was your first clue?"

**Hermione: She's working with Death Eaters.**

**Ron: She tried to kill Harry.**

**Dumbledore: I know kids, but the puck stops here. Umbridge, I've tried to be nice, tried to be fair, but there comes a time when you have to lay down the law. This is my school and these are my chillins and it's time for you leave and never come back!**

**Umbridge: Dumbledore, this is just our first fight.**

"Oh my gosh, she still thinks they're dating," Ginny muttered. "Crazy bitch can't take a hint, can she?"

**Dumbledore: And it'll be our last.**

**Umbridge: Oh my god, Dumbledore! Why you being such a lousy boyfriend?**

**Dumbledore: Don't you get it you crazy bitch? I'm gay!**

The occupants of the room looked at each other awkwardly. This was weird new concept for them to understand...

**Umbridge: Well, choose not to be gay then!**

"You can't just choose to not be gay!"

**Dumbledore: Umbridge, if you don't stop I will be forced to violence.**

**Umbridge: -gasp- Uh huh, no way, no how. A man does not threaten his woman! -takes his wand, snaps it, and throws the pieces-**

**Dumbledore: That was the Elder Wand…**

"WHAT?!" yelled everyone who had heard the tale. Harry and Hermione were the only ones who looked confused.

Sirius gaped at the elderly man. "You actually have THE Elder Wand?"

Dumbledore chuckled nervously. "Ah, yes. I won in a duel once, though at the time I didn't know what it was." he lied.

Everyone nodded slowly. "Alright," Sirius said.

"I don't get it," Harry said.

"What's the Elder Wand?" Hermione asked.

"Just a myth," Ron said, still dumbfounded. "Or, at least, it was a myth."

"Oh."

**Harry: What's the Elder Wand?**

**Dumbledore: Uh, it doesn't matter now Harry. Uh, Umbridge, maybe we can work something out.**

**Umbridge: No, no! It's too late.**

**Dumbledore: Fine, then Dolores I'll be your boyfriend!**

"No!"

**Umbridge: NO! (singing) Remember that time, when you wouldn't talk to me, no you wouldn't talk to me yesterday! We were gettin' along, we had a little dancey thing. Well, here's a song I sing my way! We're was gonna be fine, but you didn't wanna be the man that'd be with me. No way, and now you sayin' it's time? Why you gotta be like that? I don't like the way you act around me. So baby come on, come on. Well, don't you tell me to go and say "I'm the one!" D-d-do you think I'm dumb? I'm sorry, did I just stutter? Won't tell you what you know, but** this** is the end. You were never my friend. You were never my, you were never my lover. –awesome dance routine with Dementors- **

"Is she actually doing that...with Dementors?!"

"I'm afraid so, Harry."

"I'm not sure if I should be afraid or laugh or what..."

**Y****ou remember that night? When I saw you trembling there? I remembered I don't care about you. You remember how you thought you were at the top, but I think we're better off without you! And I've got your number and I don't mean on my phone. Would've already just thrown it out if I'd known about the way you'd bitch and moan. You remember the way, how you were way out of line? Well, now you're way out of time. So, tell me what you want on your tombstone! Come on, come on. Well, don't you tell me to go and say "I'm the one!" D-d-d-do you think I'm dumb? Sorry, did I just stutter? Won't tell you what you know, this is the end! You were never my friend. You were never my, you were never my lover. (speaking) On behalf of the Ministry of Magic now I, Dolores Jane Umbridge, here by sentence you, Sirius Black, to death by the way of Dementor's Kiss!**

Harry groaned, "Oh no."

**Dumbledore: Umbridge, listen to reason for God's sake!**

**Umbridge (singing): Too bad you're a loser, too bad you waste my time. Good thing that I'm around to keep your ass in line!**

**Harry: No, stop it! Let him go! Leave him alone! No, leave him alone you bastards! Leave him alone! Get away….no…-passes out because of the Dementors-**

"Great," Harry said. "Now I've passed out. Some hero."

"Harry..."

**Umbridge: You were never my, you were never my lover! Der der der der der! Der der der der der!**

"Her laugh is creepy." Ron stated.

"We know," Ginny replied. "Now can we continue? I'd like to know how you guys save Sirius.

"Right, right. Next scene!"

**Please Review!**


	27. Act 2 Scene 10

**Hey guys! I'm finally updating on time. *breaks out the party supplies and unicorns* YAY! And t********hanks for sharing your favorite Starkids! I know, it's hard to choose. Mine's Brosenthal, or Lauren.**

**Thanks for all of your fantastic reviews, they made my week, as usual. One of you asked and YES. I will be doing AVPSY, of course. And yes, Yet Another Girl. That was a Dramione reference. A very, very tiny Dramione reference because I couldn't resist.**

**Disclaimer: Once again, I fail at owning AVPS or HP.**

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Act 2 Scene 10

**Harry: Aah, wipe out, what'd I do?**

"Wait, who rescued me? How am I not dead?"

**Ron: Harry…**

**Hermione: Oh, Harry, you're alright.**

**Ron: We thought we lost you there for a second, good buddy.**

**Draco: Yeah, the Dementors almost Kissed you.**

"Duh," Ron rolled his eyes.

**Harry: Hey, where's….Sirius, where's Sirius?**

**Dumbledore: Harry, there were hundreds of Dementors. It took all my skill to grab you kids and escape.**

"So Dumbledore rescued us, but not Sirius? Great. I guess we are going to use the time turner."

**Harry: We gotta go find him. We gotta go save Sirius!**

**Dumbledore: Harry, Harry, it's too late. Umbridge is too powerful.**

Hermione scoffed.

**Hermione: Professor, what do we do?**

**Dumbledore: You four stay here, you'll be safe here. I'm going to go see if I can find some help, inform the Ministry.**

"Umbridge works for the Ministry," Ron pointed out.

**Ron: But Umbridge works for the Ministry!**

Harry and Hermione snickered at the look on Ron's face.

**Dumbledore: Weasley, now to find somebody to help save the school before Umbridge turns anymore Dementors on anymore kids. I'll be back as soon as I can. Disapparate.**

"And only Weasley is stunned by the magic," Malfoy smirked.

**Hermione: He left us…he left us!**

**Ron: Well, we just can't let Umbridge destroy the school. What are we gonna do, Harry?**

**Harry: There's nothing we can do.**

"WHAT?" Harry looked incredulous. "Am I actually suggesting we don't do anything?"

**Ron: What?**

**Harry: Don't you get it? It's over, we lost, okay? Sirius is dead, Umbridge won. The school is ruined, it's over.**

Harry looked horrified. "What is wrong with me?"

Malfoy looked gleeful. "Plenty, Potter. Where would you like me to start?"

"Shut up, Malfoy."

**Draco: Hey! –points at Harry-**

"No need to point Malfoy." Fred said.

**The Harry Potter I know wouldn't just give up.**

Harry threw his hands up in the air before slumping in his seat. "Of all the people to tell me not to give up."

**Harry: That's because the Harry Potter you know is a twelve-year-old superhero! And I'm just an eleven-year-old child.**

"It's a year, Harry..."

"I know, Hermione. It doesn't make sense to me either."

**How can we do anything if there's no time?**

**Draco: Time…hold on to me, friends!**

"Time travel via Malfoy with two extra people. This'll be fun," Hermione said sarcastically.

**Hermione: What, Draco what are you doing?**

**Draco: Alright, everyone, I hope you're wearing your diapers 'cause you're gonna shit your pants. –he spins the Time Turner-**

"You don't shit your pants when you time travel, Malfoy," Harry said.

"Talking to the screen, Harry," Ron said at the same time as Hermione said. "Language!"

**Harry: Draco, what did you just do?**

**Hermione: Where are we?**

**Ron: Why'd I shit my pants?**

Everyone laughed as Ron turned red.

"Of course you'd be the one to shit yourself," Ginny teased.

"Shut up," he muttered.

**Draco: It's merely a side effect of negative light speed travel. Quick, hide!**

**Past Snape: -and go blublublublublublub!**

Harry blinked at the screen. "Is that really me?"

"Obviously," George drawled in his best Snape impression. Fred laughed, and Sirius looked impressed.

"Nice. Even Moony wouldn't've been able to do that, and he is really good at impressions."

George grinned.

**Past Harry: I don't know what you're talking about. I'm just going to go-**

**Harry: Oh my god, who's that? I think I'm in love.**

Everyone laughed again. "Oh, be quiet," Harry muttered. "Just wait until your past selves show up."

That shut everybody up."

**Past Snape: Potter, what I'm trying to say is I'm torn up. If you go in there, then you're going to be in big trouble.**

**Past Harry: Whatever, Snape.**

**Draco: We can't be seen!**

"Harry, what are you doing?"

**Past Snape: Forget you. Oh Potter, what really pisses me off-**

**Harry: Snape, can I say something for a second?**

**Past Snape: Sure.**

**Harry: Listen, I've realized something. You live a pretty thankless, selfless, miserable life. Despite how much everybody hates you, you stick by Dumbledore and you take care of us kids. I've never said this, but you're a great guy, so thank you.**

Snape looked vaguely happy about this, but the expression was gone as fast it had come.

**Past Severus: Harry Potter, you're a hero. I was going to let those Death Eaters murder you, but now I'm going to sober up and save you. Thank you Harry Potter, figment of my own guilt.**

"So Harry convinced Snape to save himself and the rest of you. That's not confusing or anything," Remus said sarcastically.

**Draco: Potter, what were you trying to lead us straight to folly? One more hot-shot move like that and you could rupture the space-time continuum.**

**Harry: What are you talking about?**

**Draco: Where were we exactly one hour ago?**

**Hermione: Uh, I don't know. I think we were-**

**Past Ron: We're going to deliver a pizza!**

"That solves that problem." Hermione said.

"And now you guys get to see your past selves!" Harry grinned.

**Draco: Get down!**

**Past Ron: Then I'll punch him in the face.**

**Past Hermione: I don't know about this, Ron.**

Ron, Hermione, and Malfoy gaped at the screen as everyone else laughed.

"I'm played by a boy!" Hermione shrieked.

"I'm played by a boy!" Malfoy said happily.

"I'm played by Quirrell and Seamus!" Ron said.

"This is great," Ginny said, wiping a tear from her cheek. "Malfoy is now who, Goyle? That's the total opposite of musical Malfoy!"

"Harry was played by a girl, wasn't he?" Fred asked.

"It was hard to tell since he left so quickly," George added.

"I think he was," Remus said, looking thoughtful.

"We can use this as blackmail forever!" Sirius said, a wicked gleam to his eye.

Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Malfoy groaned.

**Ron: Was that us?!**

**Draco: In a way. That was us from one hour ago. It was our past selves! I used my father's Time Turner to travel back in time!**

**Hermione: That's why we shit our pants.**

"WAIT A SECOND!" Hermione screeched. "I did NOT shit my pants!"

"Language, Hermione." Harry and Ron said at the same time. She scowled at them.

**Draco: Yes, but don't you see Potter? Now we have time. Time to-**

**Harry: Time to save Sirius!**

**Ron: No, no, no, no, no, no, we can't beat Umbridge. She's still so strong!**

"Not really," Ginny said.

**Hermione: She's working with a band of Dementors.**

**Harry: Not unless we use Patronus Charm that Lupin taught us.**

**Ron: In order to use the Patronus, you have to have a happy thought, okay? And every time we get near those Dementors, I'm just super sad. There is absolutely no way we can win.**

"I thought being a pessimist was Harry's job! Not mine!"

"HEY!"

**Harry: No way? You listen to me now. For eleven years I was a Muggle douchebag that lived under some stairs but this year I found out I'm a wizard. I'm famous, I can fly, and turn invisible and I just travelled the _ back in time! So_ you Draco, how's that for a happy thought?**

"That's a great happy thought."

**There's absolutely no way that there is no way, that there is no way. You hear me? (singing) My mind is racing, but my heart it beats faster. I'm in control, commander and master. Lady Fate contemplating disaster ,but she ain't the boss of me, nuh uh. Head-on collision with a catastrophic setback makes you either want to get lost or get back. I choose the latter. Let's not forget that we hold the cards this time, so there's no need to bitch or whine. There's no way, I'm gonna take another option, no way I'm gonna settle with a loss. No way I'm gonna sit around and watch. There's no, no way…there's no way you're gonna find me in the background. No damn way you gonna see me satisfied! No way they're ever gonna make me back down, no, no way.**

"Harry's character is a really good singer." Ginny commented.

"Yeah," Ron agreed. "How come you aren't in real life?"

Harry turned read and spluttered. "I-I don't-you haven't-"

"You sing in the shower, mate."

"I do not!" Harry as everyone burst into laughter.

**Draco: Home field advantage, the upper hand is ours, so the game is on!**

**Ron & Hermione: The clock ticks but we've got our tricks to fuss with and fix what's wrong.**

**Harry: Let's wake up and go guys, take out the bad guys, break out your Mad Eyes.**

**All: Yeah! We'll take it on together. We're stronger and we're better and if there's a problem, ha, whatever. There's no way we're gonna leave it up to chance, there's no damn way we're gonna go without a fight! No way, you're gonna see us on our ass….there's no, no way. There's no way we're gonna settle with sorrow leave right now if you think this ain't real. Today, not waiting for tomorrow, no, no way there's no way…no, no way there's no way…no, no way there's no way…there's. No. Way!**

"You guys are all good singers," Sirius noted. "Well, musical you guys, that is."

"Thanks, Sirius." Ron said sarcastically.

"No problem, Ron." Sirius said, completely, erm, serious.

Ron rolled his eyes. "Well, I'd like to hear more of our mazing singing. Next scene!"

**Please Review!**


	28. Act 2 Scene 11

**I still consider it to be Saturday. It's only 12:11 where I'm from. ****I was actually planning on writing this after I finished Supernatural season 7 this morning but that didn't happen. Oops.**

**IMPORTANT: I'm going to Orlando on Wednesday (finally visiting WWOHP!) and I won't be back until Sunday. I start school the Monday after that. So probably no update this weekend, though maybe one on Tuesday. That's a maybe, ninjas. No promises.**

******And thanks for all the reviews! They made my week!**

**Disclaimer: Oh, hi. Yeah, I don't own anything.**

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Act 2 Scene 11

**Harry: There is absolutely nothing that can get in the way of us saving Sirius.**

"Except for maybe Malfoy Sr., wherever he is," Harry pointed out.

**Lucius: No you idiot, there they are!**

"Oh," Hermione said in realization. "That's why he went the other way! Because he saw the us that had used the time turner! That makes sense."

**Students: AH!**

**Lucius: Got you, Potter.**

**Ron: Holy shit.**

"Exactly!" Ron exclaimed. "We're doomed."

**Lucius: Forget Umbridge and her teachers, I'm killing you right here, right now Potter.**

**Draco: No, Papa. -dances over to him-You'll not.**

"What the hell did I just do?" Malfoy blinked as his character danced across the stage. Harry and Ron snickered.

"You just danced, Malfoy," Ginny smirked.

**Lucius: Drako…you danced. I finally taught you something.**

**Draco: No. The centaurs taught me. Body-Bind Hex.**

**Lucius: Oh no.**

Hermione sighed. "That was pathetic."

"Very," Remus agreed.

**Draco: Yaxley, how would you like to work for me now?**

**Yaxley: Yes, sir, Mr. Malfoy.**

**Harry: Alright.**

**Ron: Awesome, adults.**

"But we never get help from adults until _after _the life-threatening situation!" Ron said. Everyone stared at him. "Uh, did I say that out loud?"

"Yes." Harry said.

"Uh, oops."

"You ask for help _after_?" Sirius said incredulously. "Why not before?"

"To be fair we have tried to get help before, but no one would listen to us." Hermione said quietly.

"WHAT?! WHY NOT?!"

"Let's not discuss this now," Harry said. "Please."

"Fine, whatever," Sirius grumbled.

**Lucius: So I suppose you'll audition for the Met now?**

"The what?"

"Muggles."

"Got it."

**Draco: No. I'm auditioning for the wizard cops.**

**Lucius: Damn.**

"Malfoy wants to be a wizard cop?" Harry laughed. "That's hilarious." Ron and Hermione rolled their eyes.

"There he goes again," Ron muttered.

"He isn't a Death Eater, Harry," Hermione whispered. "Honestly. Get that through that thick skull of yours."

**Draco: How does this sound? "You're going to jail."**

**Lucius: It sounded forced. Coward! If you were any kind of real man, you'd finish me off yourself.**

"You wouldn't ever really kill your father...right?" Hermione asked Malfoy cautiously.

He frowned. "No. Of course not. He's my father."

**Draco: Come on, friends, let's turn in this belly-rumbling cur.**

**Everyone but the Malfoys: Yeah…**

**Lucius: Don't you want to know who your real father is?**

"What?"

**Draco: What?**

**Lucius: You were never my real son. How could you be, you're always such a horrible disappointment to me.**

Malfoy scowled. He didn't need to be told twice, he thought bitterly, trying to ignore the hurt that came with the statement.

**Hermione: Draco, don't listen to him. He's just trying to trick you.**

**Harry: He's a liar.**

**Ron: He's an asshole.**

"Too true."

**Yaxley: Yeah.**

**Draco: Tell me who my father is or I'll hex you, you wiener jacket.**

**Lucius: You do have some Narcissa in you. That tramp mother of yours, she choreographed an affair with someone behind my back, someone I trusted, someone I may have even loved.**

Everyone stared at Malfoy.

"What?" he snapped. "Don't expect me to know!"

**Harry: Ollivander?**

**Hermione: Filch?**

**Ron: Regulus Black, Sirius's brother?**

**Yaxley: Me? –everyone stares at him-**

"Somehow, I sincerely doubt that any of them are actually his father."

**Lucius: No…Dobby. My former House-elf.**

"What the _hell_?"

"NOW WAY!"

"That is _disgusting_."

"This is hilarious!"

"Gross, Cissy..."

Everyone was laughing much harder than was probably necessary, but then again, we all did it too and you know it.

"Malfoy...is part elf! Oh Merlin, we will never let you live this one down..." Fred and George laughed.

"Shut up, Weasleys," Malfoy spat, face burning a vicious scarlet color.

It took a while, but eventually everyone calmed down enough to watch the musical again.

**Draco: No…**

**Lucius: Oh yes…it explains a lot, doesn't it? Your irrational fear of the potty?**

**Hermione: Over 600 house-elves die in toilet-related incidents every year. They fall in.**

The more immature of the bunch (please tell me you know which ones I'm talking about) snickered.

Hermione was horrified. "That's not true, right? Please tell me that's not true."

"I honestly have no idea how many elves die in toilet related incidents every year," Remus said thoughtfully. "We should look into that when we get back."

"That's means it might be more than 600!" Hermione wailed. Ron patted her back soothingly.

**Lucius: Why else would you have such a little D?**

**Draco: It's so small.**

**Lucius: IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE A FUCKING ELF!**

Once again, laughter ensued.

**Draco: Oh, Dobby, now I lament all those times that I've beat him senseless within an inch of his life and, oh right, yeah, that one time I drowned a litter of his young, my…brothers?**

"I TAKE BACK EVERYTHING I'VE EVER SAID, THIS MUSICAL IS AWESOME!" Harry shouted over even louder laughter.

**Lucius: So now you know. Could you imagine the scandal if that got out? "Lucius Malfoy's Wife Bed Smeagle". So, I had to take you in. You should be thanking me for raising you and sending that treacherous creature away.**

**Draco: So he's still alive?**

**Lucius: Perhaps, but now I see that banishment is far too merciful a penalty. Yours shall be far steeper! CRU…**

**Hermione: No, he's just a poor little elf!**

**Lucius: …CIO!**

"Hermione!" Ron and Harry looked horrified.

"I hope this isn't foreshadowing," Ginny said, her skin rather pale.

**Hermione: OOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!**

Hermione winced as her character was tortured. Please, please, please not foreshadowing...

**Ron: Hermione!**

**Draco: NO!**

**Lucius: Oh, does that upset you boy? CRUCIO!**

**Hermione: OOOOOOOWWWW!**

**Draco: NO, no…stop!**

"Does anyone else here the howling?" Remus asked the adults quietly, while the students watched poor, poor musical Hermione be tortured.

"No." was the only answer he got.

**Lucius: I'm going to finish you off, one by one, starting with her. And Draco? You'll watch your friends die and then I'll do what I should have down twelve years ago. Avadaaaa-**

**Ron and Harry: Lupin!**

**Lucius: It's, ah…it's a robot!**

"I am definitely not a robot."

**Ron: Kill him!**

**Hermione: No! No! No!**

**[They all cheer for Lupin.]**

**Harry: Well, let's go save Sirius.**

**Ron: No, Yaxley, you're supposed to be our friend, this way.**

"Yaxley is an idiot." Fred stated.

"Totally." George agreed.

"It was a nice scene up until Hermione was... you know." Ron said quietly. "I thought we might actually get a normal funny scene without trouble for once."

"Yeah, me too," Harry said. "Are you okay Hermione?"

"I'm fine." she said shortly. "Let's not dwell on this, okay? Next scene."

**Please Review!**


	29. Act 2 Scene 12

**Not Tuesday...but still updating before my trip! Ah, I'm excited.**

**Thanks for the reviews!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry and friends, or Starkid's fabulous AVPS.**

* * *

Act 2 Scene 12

**[After Umbridge sentences Sirius and Dumbledore comes to rescue the students.]**

**Past Dumbledore: Umbridge, for the love of Wizard God, call them off!**

**Umbridge: Kiss them all, kiss the children!**

**Harry: There we are!**

**Past Dumbledore: Magic! Ah, Harry, let's go boy. –they escape-**

"What a marvelous display of magic. I'm very impressed," Harry said sarcastically. Ron and the twins snickered.

**Umbridge: No, get them, get them! Ah, forget them. We'll get them later. Dementors, I order you to kiss Sirius Black.**

**Harry: The only person who's going to kiss Sirius Black is me.**

**Ron: And me.**

**Hermione: And me.**

**Draco: And me.**

**Yaxley: And I'll kiss him too.**

Sirius looked faintly sick. "Um, you guys really don't have to...especially you, Malfoy. And Yaxley." he shuddered. "Oh Merlin."

Remus laughed at his expression. "Oh, lighten up, Sirius. It's not like any of them want to kiss you either."

Sirius frowned at the Gryffindors (and Slytherin). "What? But why? I'm a very kissable person!"

"You just said you didn't want kisses from them." Ginny pointed out.

"So? They should still want my kisses!"

Ginny rolled her eyes and Remus sighed exasperatedly.

**Umbridge: Potter? But I…but you just went…but I saw you go…but…DUUUH! Fine, it doesn't matter. Dementors, I order you to kiss all the childrens!**

"Is that illegal?"

**Harry: Guys, it's time put our Patronuses to the test. Get those happy thoughts ready.**

**Ron: And don't cross the streams.**

**Everyone but Umbridge: Expecto Patronum!**

"Which ones are whose, do you think?" Ginny asked.

"I CALL THE STAR WARS GUY!"

"Harry, they have your stag. I want the Star Wars guy."

"Hermione!"

"HARRY THEY HAVE YOUR STAG."

"BUT HERMIONE, STAR WARS! STAR. WARS."

"I don't care. They have your stag. You get the stag. I want Star Wars."

Harry pouted. "You're no fun."

"Well, I'll take the fat looking guy with no legs. He looks interesting," Ron shrugged.

Hermione nodded. "That's a genie from a Muggle movie," She said. "a princess movie." she added quietly to Ginny, who giggled.

"So, who do I get? Who's that first guy?" Malfoy asked.

"A Muggle superhero," Harry said. "I can't really tell which…"

Hermione squinted at the screen. "They aren't colored and that's how I can usually tell. But maybe Superman?"

"Hermione, Superman has a cape," Harry said, looking deeply offended. "It's a very important part of his costume."

"Well, sorry," Hermione grumbled. "Next time I won't even bother trying."

"I think it's Green Lantern."

"Which one?"

"The first human one?"

"Which one's that?"

"I don't know."

"Oh, well that's helpful."

As the two who grew up in the Muggle world continued arguing over the Green Lanterns, the rest of the group turned to Malfoy.

"Whichever Green Guy this is, he's still a Green Something," Fred said.

"Slytherin colors!" George added. "Just for you. Don't you feel special?"

Malfoy scowled at them.

"Uh, has anyone else noticed that there are five people and only four Patronuses?"

Everyone, including Harry and Hermione, turned and stared at Remus.

"No," they all said in unison.

"Okay..."

**Umbridge: Now my fans goin'!**

**Harry: Now for you Umbridge. You terrible, horrible bitch, you just want everybody to be as miserable as you are. You're so focused on your past that you can't appreciate the present. That's no way to live. How can you possibly move forward if you're always looking back?**

"That's very wise, Harry," Dumbledore smiled. Everyone jumped. They had forgotten that Dumbledore (and Snape) were there.

"Thanks, Professor," Harry said.

**Umbridge: You're right. How come I never saw it before?**

**Harry: Umbridge, there's always time to make amends.**

"Harry, no offense, but Umbridge is a lost cause," Ron said.

**Umbridge: How come I never saw…what a little fairy you are, Potter!**

"See?"

**Weapons, now! –they all drop their wands and Draco pulls a gun from his sock and puts that down too-**

"Malfoy," Hermione started. "Why do you have a gun?"

"I don't even know what that is."

"Didn't I explain already? It's a Muggle weapon."

"Oh. Well, I don't know why, it's not me, remember, Granger?"

Hermione blushed. "Yes, you're right. Sorry."

**And the one behind your back. –Draco puts down the dagger-**

"I get the dagger. You seem like the dagger kind of guy." Ginny said thoughtfully.

**Now for you, Potter, I think it's time for that long overdue punishment. I'm gonna pop your head off with my bicep. I swear to God, I am gonna kill you, Mama!**

"Huh?"

**-Neigh!-**

**Firenze: Not if the good Firenze has anything to say about it.**

**Students: It's Firenze, our centaur friend!**

"Oh my God," Hermione sighed. "He's back."

**Firenze: It sure is. And you! You bitch, unhand HP at once.**

**Umbridge: Fine. I'm not afraid of you. I'm gonna pwn this pony! –they fight-**

**Firenze: This must be the emotion you humans know as blood. I'm bleeding.**

"It's not an emotion though..."

"That's the point."

**Umbridge: Bring it mother_er.**

**Firenze: My chest…**

The boys winced as Umbridge hit a rather...sensitive...spot. The two girls laughed.

"Well...at least it's his chest."

**silence!**

**Umbridge: No, no this impossible! I'm invincible.**

**Firenze: Ah ho, what marvelous strength! Wondrous day, finally I may have found someone powerful enough to survive coitus with the centaurs!**

"Oh my God," Hermione repeated in astonishment, eyes wide.

"This...is...awesome!" Sirius said as everyone started laughing.

"That is sick," Remus said looking disgusted.

**Students and Yaxley: YAY!**

**Umbridge: What?!**

**Firenze: I shall take her to my tree village and tonight the centaurs will make celebration. With dance and song, music and much coitus with this one.**

"Ew." Everyone said perfectly in sync.

**Students and Yaxley: Yay!**

**Firenze: Thank You Harry Potter. You have saved my people.**

**Umbridge: No, I can't go into the forest with a bunch of centaurs. I have a boyfriend. Help me, help me, help me, help me, help me!**

"Please don't."

**Students and Yaxley: Yay!**

"Well...that was probably one of the best scenes ever." Harry stated.

"Yeah," everyone nodded in agreement. "Next scene!"

**Please Review!**


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